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Don’t even know where to start

by on April 10, 2014

Got this email this morning and really…I don’t even know where to start:


My husband showed me your blog a few days ago then told me he wants us to try this. I am willing to try, but I have no idea what I am doing and some of the things he asked for scare me. I don’t even know where to start. We have two small kids and I work a full time job, so I don’t even have the energy for sex and now he wants to add all this other stuff to it. He has this huge wish list on amazon of things he wants us to buy and we just don’t have the extra money to be spending.

I have watched some of the porn he looks at and I don’t have any clothes like that and I am not that skinny. I never was that skinny so it makes me feel like he isn’t happy with the way I look and like maybe I need to go on a diet, but even if I did lose the weight I still can’t afford clothes like that, I’m not even sure I would want to wear that stuff.

I am sort of rambling here. I know you said in your blog you like to answer emails in the blog. I hope you will answer mine. Thank you.


I can relate to the author in many ways…not just in how to start putting all the things in place for the lifestyle…but I don’t know where to start so I need some time to think……I just wanted to let the reader know…I got the email and I’m not sure how much help I can be…but I’ll try.

From → Nuts and bolts

  1. Perhaps here:

    With some more reality checking here:

    As for the specific concerns mentioned in the email, I will add my two cents:

    I am willing to try, but I have no idea what I am doing and some of the things he asked for scare me. I don’t even know where to start.

    He’s lucky you are willing to try. Tell him that. Also let him know what scares you. FemDom porn *is* scary. And if that’s his primary reference… Oy.

    Most people who are into FLR are not porn-queen style dominatrixes. It’s just not practical. So he needs to wrap his brain around the idea that his porn-fueled fantasies are not reality. Hopefully the links above (and there are additional links in those articles as well) will help with that.

    Figure out (as best as you are able, from what he’s shown/told you his desires are) what your own hard lines are, and make sure he knows them. His first job, as a would-be sub, is to RESPECT YOUR HARD LIMITS. Not knowing what his kinks/fetishes are, here are a few examples of hardlines/hard limits: no watersports, no scat, no collars, specific times/places only (bedroom only, weekends only, etc ~ especially since you’re just starting and you have little ones), “outfits” are out… You get the idea. I have a rule that I won’t strike with anything but my hand. So spanking is all good, but floggers and whips and caning are out. Period. That’s a hardline for me.

    …I don’t even have the energy for sex and now he wants to add all this other stuff to it…

    Does *he* have the energy for sex?

    SO MANY TIMES, I have heard variations on the theme, “Our sex life had gotten into a slump, and now that we’re being kinky, it’s all better!”

    Head – Desk – Thunk.

    People are into what they are into. I’m not denying that. So he may just simply have a thing about FemDom kink.

    He may also think that FemDom kink is going to somehow revitalize his sex life.

    If either of you is looking at this as a “fix”… Stop right there. Full brakes. Communicate about the real issue(s), whatever they are.

    He has this huge wish list on amazon of things he wants us to buy and we just don’t have the extra money to be spending.

    You don’t need fancy accessories. D/s is a mindset. Not a dress-up session. Not a toy box.

    …I don’t have any clothes like that and I am not that skinny. I never was that skinny so it makes me feel like he isn’t happy with the way I look…

    Odds are, it’s never occurred to him that you would feel that way. Men can be ridiculously obtuse. They seem to think, “Oh, that porn actress looks great in leather” and then just assume that (a) their wives/partners would *want* to wear that outfit, and (b) would look terrific in it. Which usually… Um, no. That’s not how it works.

    So I don’t know how helpful any of this is/will be, but those are some things to think about.

    Also: COMMUNICATE. And if you’re hurt/angry/confused/whatever, say so. Ask for clarification. Outline your hard limits. Go slow. Try one thing at a time. See how you like it. See how he likes it. Build on what works and discard what doesn’t.

    Once you’ve done some talking (and arguing, no doubt), I would suggest you both put your thoughts in writing ~ separately ~ about what this dynamic could look like, within the boundaries of your current lifestyle. Make two columns: What does a Domme look like? What does a sub look like? And by ‘look like’, I don’t mean hairstyles and outfits and accessories. I mean *behaviors*. I mean *actions*. *Desires*. And sit down together (when his head is not stuck in fantasyland) and hash it out.

    I know Serendipity will address your concerns, either here or via email. But while she’s figuring out how to go about her response, hopefully something in this long-ass comment will click for you.

    Good luck.


  2. Dippity!

    I just left a long-ass comment, but it has links in it and didn’t post. Please fish it out of your spam box (or wherever it ended up) when you get a chance. 🙂




    • Girlfriend..
      I love it when you have my back!! *smooch*

      I’m clicking away here….trying to keep one topic at a time…but my gaaawwwddd…the kindergarten class that lives in my head is full on in mutiny.
      And it’s LOUD!!!!!!

      I’m thinking chocolate wine is in order!!


  3. newtoFLR permalink

    If he wants to do these things with you, it is about the control. Enjoy the control. If you are in charge, some black underwear, boots and the right look on your face is all you need and he will be happily do whatever you say.


    • Umm really?

      Your answer is “black underwear and boots?”

      THEN look on her face and he will be happy?

      This is about making HIM happy???

      Did I sleep thru a course at Domme school?? It’s about making HIM happy????

      And ummmm….the “look”..
      I get that I use that..
      I got a “Look” that works…but damnit all GUYS REALLY???????

      Can’t she just go with “look on her face”
      bare foot in t-shirt and blue jeans or a flannel gown????

      What does black panties and boots have to do with it other ten feeding YOUR fantasy od what you want from YOUR partner???

      (Nope not angry 😉
      ……………………………………………………………..just shoving you outside YOUR OWN male agenda tunnel vision)


  4. newtoFLR permalink

    Sorry a few beers in and she is out on a date. What I meant was that he clearly wants to share this with her and that he wants to give her the control. Guys are generally visual and or auditory.


  5. Ummm..if you are drinking while she is out on a date…sweetie……I’m thinking you need to reconsidered the dating circumstances.

    Monssieurnotasub rarely drinks…and he is NOT allowed to drink at all when I am with Eargasm guy…..and lawdy…the kindergarten class just got louder….cuz well hell…maybe we (the voices and I) missed a mark…but that’s nothing new…and why I am glad I have the readers I have and the ones who will step up and post in the comments at the risk of this crazy bitch’s wrath ( laughing here—honestly laughing)

    And really….

    I am NOT angry with you……just trying to get you to think past the little head. 😉

    Generally the women who reach out to women like me….have had their fill of the male agenda when it comes to FLR/FemDom and D/s….their urge for sex starts in their head and/or heart…not their crotch and they aren’t driven by male fantasy…they tend to be confused by it.


  6. newtoFLR permalink

    Got it. Happy to be a voyeur and not post my opinion.


  7. WHOA…..go back and red what I said…where did I suggest you shouldn’t post your opinion? In fact I am pretty sure I said just the opposite.

    Lay off the beers…..maybe?


  8. writingthebody permalink

    No, forget the clothes and odds and ends. Those are always extraneous. The clothes are based on an idea. An idealisation. He has that in his head. You need to cut straight to that….ask her if she is willing to do things like dominate him, to spit on him, to finger him, to penetrate him, even just to spank him.

    But then, why would she do it, I wonder. She loves him. Maybe she should see if she wants to do the FLR thing. Maybe put him in chastity and an allowance? I don’t know. I find it interesting that she is willing to try it out of love for him. But definitely body shape etc is not relevant.


  9. writingthebody permalink

    It isn’t really you, is it? If it is, well, I got my pronouns wrong. Maybe I got everything wrong. That happens sometimes. Beat me next time you see me….lol. Sorry. Cannot help being silly sometimes.


    • LMAO…wtb….ya got me giggling like a loon here 😉

      Nope not me..I think that’s what you are asking?
      (Truth be told..I could have written that very fact did write something of that nature……back about sixish years ago…to a woman who is now my mentor)

      I get emails from men…asking me how to get their partners into the lifestyle…often.
      *cringe and eye rolling here*

      Less often…but I do get emails…… from the partner who is being asked…..and I figured “Hey…why not run with this one?”
      Monssieurnotasub and I took to email back last year…..with a couple who was fighting this fight…….but I figured this time….”go blog” with it.

      And chastity you say???

      Lawdy..I love the way men think


      I don’t know enough about this couple to know if that would be an option. 😉


      • writingthebody permalink

        So I did get it right….it was funny when I read it I just thought it is odd that a man who wants to be submissive would wish to impose that on his wife….it just seems counter to the way the desire works. It tells you that he is not submissive at all. If he is a masochist, well, that is different – he wants something more basic and it is because his sexuality is fucked up. And often, like with me, there is a fair chunk of both. I suggested chastity because that supercharges her role in their sexual relationship – whether as a masochist or a sub. She holds the keys. That is a turn-on, so long as she really does hold the keys, and so long as he really does want to learn to be a sub. It will make him more loyal too. It does not mean they will have less sex – probably they would have more. But she sounds like she is in the zone of looking after children, and wanting support. Where is his support for her? That is what always worries me about these imposed fantasies on an other. Then again, I do see that he has a need. What are they as a couple planning to do about that….can it be satisfied in their relationship? I do think (and I speak as one of them as you know) that we subs and masochists are pretty useless in a lot of ways, and we are very needy as well. We are eventually quite a lot of hard work for the other partner, and if she is not into it, I am sorry for them both. Thanks for putting it out there…that was kind of interesting even as a hypothetical. some virtual kisses for your feet as usual…xx


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