I’m not sure I even want to wear that stuff………

https://thesuburbandomme.com/2014/04/10/dont-even-know-where-to-start/

 I have watched some of the porn he looks at and I don’t have any clothes like that and I am not that skinny. I never was that skinny so it makes me feel like he isn’t happy with the way I look and like maybe I need to go on a diet, but even if I did lose the weight I still can’t afford clothes like that, I’m not even sure I would want to wear that stuff.

From the comment Mrs. Fever left:

You don’t need fancy accessories. D/s is a mindset. Not a dress-up session. Not a toy box.

…I don’t have any clothes like that and I am not that skinny. I never was that skinny so it makes me feel like he isn’t happy with the way I look…

Odds are, it’s never occurred to him that you would feel that way. Men can be ridiculously obtuse. They seem to think, “Oh, that porn actress looks great in leather” and then just assume that (a) their wives/partners would *want* to wear that outfit, and (b) would look terrific in it. Which usually… Um, no. That’s not how it works.

Guys….note pads and pencils ready?

How many of you looked at the above and thought

“WOW….I never thought of it that way. Did I do that to her? Did she hear me wrong? What kind of message DID I send to her?”

It doesn’t make you a bad person if you did…it makes you human.

We often don’t know the mixed messages we are sending our partner…

because we can’t see into our partner’s thoughts.

I know Monssieurnotasub like the back of my hand….we have been a couple for what seems like forever.

We finish each other’s sentences and can convey a single message to each other with just a “look”. We tend to “short hand” conversations about kids, bills and work related issues. We are wicked nasty hard to defeat as partners when it comes to card games……..because we can read each other in both “non-expression” expressions and body language. I can tell by the way he exhales……. if he is stuck with the two of clubs or holding nothing but the Rook and crap.

He knows by the way my eye brow arches if I can make my bid……or if I am bluffing the other team and the bluff blows up in my face…..and I need him to cover the bare spots in my hand.

We never “discussed these quirks”…we just kind of adapted to them over time.

(Yep…there we go again…… looking like just a plain ol “run of the mill couple” 😉  )

All that

“WOW look how good we are in sync as a couple”…..

But we still get wires crossed and send mixed messages. Unless one or the other speaks up…….it stays a mess….and when it comes to the D/s kink side of us…..we still get our messages mixed up…he says “dot-dot-dot” and I hear “dot-dot-dot”.

For a long time I didn’t speak up out of fear of disappointing him…or even at times……I was afraid speaking up would have him confirming what I heard in his “dot-dot-dot”……he thought I wasn’t sexy enough……or skinny enough….or-or-or..all the “ors” that going with wanting to please a partner.

I know, realize……. it is quite a paradox type admission to say

“I was afraid to speak up” ………….

As I stomp this stomp from a soap box “self-labeled–in neon loud colors” dominant female….

But being dominant as a person overall……doesn’t mean I don’t have doubts and at times feet of clay……..and at times I do put my husband’s happiness, his feelings and his self worth…ahead of my own.

Sometimes as the dominant female in this marriage I am running on sheer “shaking in my laced up to my who-haw leather boots” bravado…not forthright in command and in the lead…….confidant bravery. I’m am flying by the seat of my pants, grasping at straws and hoping like hell…I am getting it right and not fucking over the people who live in the wake of my bravado.

Mrs Fever was spot on…in her

Odds are, it’s never occurred to him that you would feel that way.

Observation/statement.

Maybe it is time for  it to occur to him that she would feel that way.

Take some time right now…and ask yourself what kind of message you thought you sent…and what she might have heard……in respects to her “Domme attire/tone” and your “visual and auditory needs”.

In hindsight now days Monssieurnotasub eats a lot of the words he used back when he was trying to tell me what it was he was looking for when he suggested we add the D/s twist to us as a couple.

I spent a lot of time wondering

“What’s wrong with the way I am right now?

Why does he need to change me?

How much am I going to have to change before I get it right?

What will happen if I DON’T get it right?”

He really had no idea what kind of thought process he set off in my head…with just a few words…so learn from his mistakes…….if one person can learn from his missteps…what we went thru as a couple…what we share here….seems like it had some value in the bigger picture. It means he scars we both wear still this this day because of bad choices in the process of trying to get it to work……are worth something other then the pain they can be when they are picked and poked at.

It took a while for me…then us …to sort thru the fact he wasn’t unhappy with ME.

BUT….. he was struggling to find a way to have an outlet for the urges he felt and he wanted me to be the one who helped him, he was tired of using the porn and his fantasies as an outlet.

The want……. of having a real person interacting with him…….. in this capacity ……..was becoming a force he couldn’t deal with on his own…so he turned to the one person he knew he could trust…..or he hoped he could trust ……….to not judge him for the things that went thru his horny mind…..and help him find some way to find some peace in the middle of all the insanity that would take over when the urges hit him.

I was used to his kinky nature popping up and blind siding me…well not so much used to it….but when it happened it didn’t come as a huge surprise…so maybe I had a hand up on the typical set of circumstances….but even that didn’t prepare me for the war that was going to break loose in the process of trying to find a happy medium for both of us when it came to the way I dressed and my tone….once I said

“Yes, I’ll be your Domme.”

We all gotta start somewhere…so stay tuned…for battle strategies in the war of

“Gearing up…dressing down this part of being “the Domme”.