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I’m not a “Lifestyle Domme”

In fact if not for kinky karma…

I wouldn’t be here sitting on the sidelines observing the ways of BDSM lifestylers and trying to learn the BDSM line dance.

I am a woman who ended up with the title Domme thrust at me (along with a diddy bag chocked full of BDSM toys) because the guy I am married to…thought he was a submissive

(He thunked~* WRONG*~………….but you’ll have to poke around the bloggings to get the full story.)

My BDSM bent isn’t hard wired…..it is acquired.

I have a more often than not—– self deprecating—– satirical—-tongue-in-cheek—- view of life.
I don’t take myself too seriously, so I ask…please…don’t you either.

The only thing I am authority on is my own life…but I too have a belly button and a butthole….that may or may not stink…depending on the bent of your own discriminating opine olfactory senses.

I really am suburban housewife who retired her soccer mom status when our last kiddo turned 18 a year ago…….he’s a boomerang kid…..he may or may not be under our roof eating out of our fridge at any given time, so at the drop of a hat I am the person who answers question like:

“Where’s the Coco-puffs did you wash that pair of jeans I left on the stairs did dad get the message about helping me work on my Blazer this weekend oh and can I borrow 20 bucks ‘til payday??”

Answer:
“Coco puffs are on top of the fridge—-no I didn’t wash your jeans because they didn’t walk on down the stairs and hop right in the washer……….I’m not dad’s secretary, I don’t get paid that much or have that kind of patients…..….yeah sure you can….right after you pay back the 20 bucks you asked to borrow this time two weeks ago.”

All yelled at the top of our lungs…..

Because……..

I am standing behind a closed bedroom door ……..

Sorting thru a kinky toy box

Looking for the damned spare key to the CB6000 I locked my husband up in three days earlier….

Cuz I misplaced the one I wear on a chain around my neck

(Somewhere…..where???…Crap I hope it didn’t come loose and drop off when I was lugging groceries to the car at the market, maybe I should call and see if someone found it and turned it into the lost and found)

So I can unlock him……

So if I get lucky and the kid eating coco puffs on the sofa…..

Goes out tonight …….

………………………………………………………..I can unlock my man and get laid.

(Where did I leave that damned key?????)

Yeah that’s FemDom-BDSM kink in my slice of the burbs.

10 Comments
  1. Pervertically Virtuous permalink

    that was hilarious 🙂 hope you found the key and got yourself laid

    Like

    • 🙂

      Glad you got a laugh…and yes I did find the key……I’d forgot to put it back on after my shower that morning……it was on the sink…lucky it didn’t go down the drain!

      I told my husband when he brought up the idea of chastity play….. he was off his rocker to trust me to lock up his boy bits ~AND~ be the keeper of the keys……..knowing I lose my car keys at least once a day…spend more time hunting down my glasses then I do wearing them…..am forever asking him and the boomerang boy if they saw where I put my purse down……..or if they saw where I left my billfold….

      AND………. he was going to trust me with a key the size of a dime????

      All I can say is…he’s gotta be even more maso then he owns up tooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

      Like

  2. writingthebody permalink

    Yes, that is funny…..definitely need a spare to save him a trip to the doctor…or the locksmith….lol

    Like

  3. writingthebody permalink

    And some sunshine for you…two awards….http://writingthebody.wordpress.com/2013/08/30/two-awards-from-brigid/

    Like

  4. All yelled at the top of our lungs.. because….

    LOL. Love a good twist.

    Like

  5. Tag! You’re It. Pass it on or simply enjoy it as a bouquet of flowers. I just like the way you “talk” – clear, open and honest ( you know, from all that I can tell ) You feel real and your story is fascinating. I am happy to simply tell you that. Thanks for being you. Jayne
    http://jayneayres.wordpress.com

    Like

  6. HI! Just want to thank you for the info and your honesty! I am a new domme and haven’t as yet shared with my man… So I am where you were years ago? All new scary interesting in a strange way.
    I want this to be pleasing for both of us.
    I need After looking and finding all the same “advice” you found I have been so nervous…. But your article has helped me relax.. Thank you so much. I intend to stay here and read any and all help and want to thank anyone willing to listen.
    Let me tell you that one never knows what may come up in life…….
    We are not young my kids to are all grown….
    This is a new adventure for me………Ladies I only hope you enjoy living and loving as lang as you can…
    Thanks Jayne for all.ESD

    Like

  7. Brenda permalink

    Just wondering what you mean by semi submissive man. My man has brought us this far in this “lifestyle” I would be fine at dabbling in it but I don’t want to live it, he is always saying he wants me to be a Domme and then proceeds to tell me how and what is going to happen. Is that what a semi submissive is?

    Like

  8. Bob permalink

    Excellent as usual. It’s hard for me to admit to myself that my fever dreams of female domination are fueled by an unhealthy excess of pornography, and that I have as good a chance of seeing them fulfilled as I do of hitting Powerball.

    If these kind of fantasies are smut-filled balloons, this blog could be the pin the deflates them, Which may not be a bad thing; some of us, myself foremost, are overdue to come back to earth.

    Life is nothing like the stuff I download, which you have a trenchant way of pointing out. You make me laugh by providing perspective, and for that I am ruefully grateful.

    Like

  9. Baby permalink

    Hi I’m new to all of this, I’m a submissive to my BF at the moment but he thinks I can try being a domme and in some ways I do to but lots of it is unappealing. I also enjoy submissive sex but he insists my mindset will change once I’ve had the experiment of being a domme. I don’t agree. I don’t know how to approach this and how to be a good domme and please him sexually. I have like no confidence and also have severe anxiety so they get in the way, he is really interested in this so I want to try but I don’t feel like I would be any good… I related so much to your article thank you for sharing your story, it’s like your in my head

    Like

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