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Clothes don’t make her “The Domme”……

by on April 11, 2014


She, the woman you asked to be  your Domme……….. makes the clothes.

Okay…I get it….men are visual and auditory.


But let’s get real here…

If you can’t “visualize” your partner as the dominant unless she is dressed in a certain manner and using a certain “look” or “tone of voice”…..

She is nothing more than a tool to service your urge to be dominated by your fantasy Domme…… are probably grooming her……..and she is going to possibly  melt down like TMI.

Yes she may be the one in the fantasy you have….……..and you will tell her that and think she will be flattered.

But it’s your fantasy and you dressed her and you scripted her words and directed her tone of voice….what’s flattering about the fact you have remade her and now want to do that real time?


You can’t ask “Be my Domme and take charge of me” then start directing her on she should be in charge, start projecting your fantasy version of her…on to her and expect her to be all excited about how you want to change her….she is going to wonder what is wrong with her the way she is…why do you need to recreate her in your fantasies?



If she politely asks you to do something while she is standing barefoot in her bath robe…..

Why isn’t she being “Domme” right then?

Me…”being the Domme”….


I am sitting here in my favorite piece of clothing……a robe I snagged for five bucks at a local discount store. While sitting here typing away I have asked my sub to:

Load the dishwasher.

Run to town and put gas in my car, run it thru the car wash and then stop by the bakery and grab something to nosh on later this evening when we curl up on the sofa to watch Blue Bloods.

( I will probably still be in my bath robe, maybe giving myself a pedi because I can’t stand to have anyone but ME…touch my feet……..and he will most likely be in his “slob pants” i.e. a pair of cotton pajama bottoms that are comfy….while I watch the show…….. he’ll probably sit beside me on the sofa, one hand on the remote…….the other down the front of his comfy pj pants….edgeing himself…….with permission….and spend some time in fantasy land…….thinking about me in the Domme gear he wishes he could see me in more often.)



Speak up…….

Did someone just utter:

“That’s not D/s” that’s just a married couple………. being a married couple.


Well damn…you found me out……

I’m  a house wife who is married to a kinky guy……..

Who likes to sit on the sofa next to me and edge and fantasize. 

My cover is blown.

If I had done all of the above dressed in nine inch heeled black leather  boots……….. laced up to my who-haw, and wearing a black leather mini dress, and crotchless panties in view of his anguished face…. as he groveled on his knees as I  thrashed him with a riding crop and demanded he do all these things…then forced him to be my foot stool as I did my pedi…..and screamed……then smacked him with a crop every time he took a breathe that was too deep for my liking because after all I AM IN FULLLLLL CONTROL of his sorry worthless ass…….


Would be “Female Domination”.

(Umm FTR…..that’s pretty much Monssieurnotasub’s fantasy, his favorite go to………I didn’t pull that out of the air to make a point……I pulled that out of the “Have you lost your ever loving mind you fool!” memory banks of our trying to get D/s in place history)

Can anyone here explain the logic here…beyond “guys are visual and auditory”?


Why does how I am dressed and how I say whatever matter?

I am a female and I am dominant…but because I won’t dress in the standard media driven concept of a “uniform”…then I’m not a real Fem Domme.


Guys….anyone taking notes here?

Why does she need to be “dressed” in a certain way to get your attention?

Why does she need to be dressed to appeal to your dick?

Or speak in a certain tone to be “Domme”?


Why can’t she dress her way and instead appeal to the love you have for her as her life mate…her helper…the person who wants to make her life better thru the offer of submission you have so boldly proclaimed?

Why can’t “her way” make the clothes she has on—be it a discount store robe….or a t-shirt with baby food and spit up on it……be her “Domme uniform”?


I am in a Female Lead Marriage that has a D/s component.

I am not in a “Domme Lead” anything.

We are FLR….not DLR.

I lead as the dominant female…not as the “Domme”.

I only have that title because it rocks the world of the man who asked me to take it. It’s why I tend to have hackles go on full alert when the topic of “how a Domme should be dressed/speak” comes up.

I didn’t bark orders and walk around in Domme gear BEFORE I got the title.

If I had known there was going to be a war over the “dress code” when he first brought this D/s idea to me…I would have told him to take hs D/s idea and shove it where the sun don’t shine.

I didn’t bark orders BEFORE I got the title…and well…..sun…shine…shove and don’t come to mind again…..because that’s part of my nature that isn’t going to change.

I can be firm and enforce my female dominant authority without raising my voice or spitting words out like scalding brimstone.

It’s my nature to be this way…it’s what I was before I got the title thrust at me…….. by a horny man looking to get his BDSM kinks in play.


I was a dominant female BEFORE he asked me to be “The Domme”.

I didn’t need clothes or a “tone” pre title thrusting……to be a dominant female…so WTF….why do I need them now?

How is a piece of clothing going to make me “more” dominant?

How is screeching as opposed to just speaking in a normal tone going to “make me more Domme”?

Well it would…but only in HIS mind.

In MY mind…

No matter what I am wearing…no matter how I speaking…….I am THAT DOMME.

I have to wondered…… often female subs read convos like this and shake their heads at the idea of the “right clothing and tone” will have a woman wanting to be “The Domme.” That if I could somehow get them here to my place and get them in the Domme gear I own ( and yes..I do own it…but more on that later) and teach them the right phrases and the right screeching howler monkey with a whip tone…


would be…..



Just POOF…their urges to be sub would just melt away with the right voice tone and clothes.

*insert extremely puzzled and insulted face here*

(My own face…but I am guessing if a Fem Sub ever stumbles into this blog post…she’ll have the same look on her face)



(yeah you guys…the partners who are eager to find some kind of enchanted Domme fairy dust type verses…….. to sprinkle on their partner….. that is going to lead to getting their partner to “Domme them”)……

Anyone………taking notes here?????

Maybe it’s time to put on your thinking caps and see if you can decipher the message in this insane ramblings of a mad house wife…uhhh I mean Domme!


I’m not dismissing the visual and auditory aspect of the “D/s” factor……..

But before I go there…

I want this here…….

As food for thought before I launch again.


(And provided the phone stops ringing …I’ll have it here this evening. I no longer have kids under foot…..but that doesn’t mean they can’t still get in the way of plans I make…and it’s been one of those days like back when they were kids…they didn’t know I was alive until I started doing something….or waked into the bathroom….and may be, could be, ya gotta be somebody who has lived a while with kids under foot and under the same roof and have them out on their own…but not on their own when they know someone who helped them while under the roof and they were underfoot…is a phone call away….…to get THAT)

From → Nuts and bolts

  1. writingthebody permalink

    Well, exactly. We subs are so stupid, aren’t we? It is his fantasy. It might be flattering, but it might eventually get irritating for her. I think if it going to be lived well it has to be realistic….a domme also needs a companion who supports her, who is there for her when she feels low or vulnerable as well. She can be the lead person, can dominate him in that way, and then subtly sexually too – that would follow because that is about mutual pleasure. It is hard terrain. I love reading what you write…yes, taking notes.


    • Not stupid at all 😉

      The fact you acknowledge ~ It is hard terrain~ puts you in the upper percentile of “guys who get it”……but I knew that way back a couple of years ago when we crossed paths thanks to the blogging world.


      • writingthebody permalink

        Yes, we do get along…I must say! x


  2. Sometimes I wonder if this isn’t something that is exclusive to D/s wherein the d-type is a woman/FLRs in general. I know I’m making a sweeping generalization, but I wonder also if it doesn’t just have something to do with ingrained gender preconceptions, or idealized gender conceptions.

    Just for instance (because I am an s-type female who reads you on the reg), I am a very auditory and visual person, but I’ve never fantasized or thought about Sir wearing any kind of costume, if you will, to assert his dominance (not that I know what he would wear because it seems Dominance “gear” is only really made for women?). He’s my d-type naked, he’s my d-type in boxers, he’s my d-type when he’s sick and wearing a ratty old robe, he’s my d-type when he’s in a three piece suit, when he’s in jeans and a tee shirt, or even when we’re nerding out together in costume at a comic convention. Likewise, even if his voice is cracking from a cold (it has been lately) there’s never a moment where I think, hmmm… that’s not his Uber Dom voice, so he must not be my d-type right now.

    However, I feel like it is pretty common for male s-types (again, sweeping generalization, though this is based off of men I know) to need the fantasy–the gear, the voice, the cold, dispassionate and almost sociopathic attitude that is often displayed in Fem Domme porn. Really seems like it’s needed to put them in their sub space/place. Not saying male s-types are sexist pigs or even have firm gender expectations, but I think that many s-types come from a place of power and really *need* the submission in their lives. In waking life I’m the stereotypical “boss bitch” archetype. I lead and am in power all day, like so many other submissive women I know (drinking from the communal experience pool, YEA!) and so my submission is something only Sir sees/gets/owns, etc. I wonder if male s-types tend to come from the same perspective, only they come from it not from being the boss literally, but from organically, biologically, being the “stronger” sex.

    No one is exactly the same, but these are some thoughts I’ve had while reading your discussions the last day or two.



    • Fatal…thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I know I have a few Fem subs who read my blog…..and I am thrilled to see one of them step in here and comment.

      I hope you won’t mind that I plan to take this comment and use it as a spring board for a blog……you’ve made some amazingly thought provoking observations here, some that have crossed my mind as I sit and ponder the bigger picture of the D/s dynamic.

      You spoke words here that I have read from other Fem Subs……they never seem to struggle with the “He is…now He isn’t” being the dominant…….but I still wondered if that conundrum played into the mind set of the M/f dynamic. Thanks much for the additional “food for thought”.


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