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I hate…..

by on April 11, 2014

“giving advice” on anything.

I can be a sounding board and share my own experiences with anything in life…but advice…..really is useless…….if the person asking doesn’t have a clue to what they are asking about or being asked to do/perform.

If they don’t have a feel for the circumstances, or have a skewed view of what they are being asked to do…….advice turns into some kind of primer, a list of “you should do this or that” items that the person may put in place and end up in a bigger mess then what they needed advice for.


My mentor…the woman who got me thru the roughest time with my husband and his kinks never gave me “advice”.


She gave me the benefit of her own experiences and knowledge of the FemDom life style……..then pushed me gently, with strong support built on friendship….. into finding my own path….while telling my husband to back off and let me find my own way.

She never told me how to do anything….she gave me clinical answers……..on the “how to do this or that”….she never told me how to do/be FemDom with my husband….she never told me HOW to be “the Domme”.

She told me she didn’t know us…the nuances of “us” as a couple……. so she couldn’t give me a dot to dot how to.


She had my undivided attention right there.

For the first time someone who knew and lived the lifestyle felt like a friend not a lockstep despot trying to “educate me on the right way of the lifestyle.”.


I’d had too much “advice” shoved at me by to many others

Thanks to my husband’s

“trying to educate me about FemDom”.

By the time my mentor came into my life.


I’d had advice in the form of websites and books that told my husband as long as he approached me in the right way…I’d eventually come’round and become the Domme of his dreams. Everything he read offered him “advice–instructions–step by step guiding” on how to groom me to be his Domme.


None of these people behind the info…knew me… ME as a woman and a person……my own personal make up needs and wants….none of that was part of the factoring thinking as they “advised him” how to.


All of the “advice” he got was built on the fantasy versions other people had about what the lifestyle should be like.

Since his own version was built on the fantasies he had years to build up in his own mind…and what these other people said…fed right into what he was looking for, it aroused him and he is addicted to the “his own body induced” chemical rush that comes with being aroused….… it wasn’t much work to overlook the fact I would never fit the mold he was letting others help him build to shove me in.


He was “drunk” on the chemicals his own body produced in the process of looking at porn related to his own kink urges. He didn’t need the porn to get this “drunk” he could do it on his own…in his own mind. The porn was just helped him amp up the drunk.

I can relate to that……it isn’t a judgment call on my husband so much as just stating a glaring fact:

Being horny feels so damned good and it can effect and affect our own judgment.

BOTH words…because the fallout of sobering up….. can and does come with consequences that touch the lives of the ones we pull into our world while under the influence.


My world:

In a horny state of mind……..lucidity goes out the window….not just for my husband but for me also. Much like being under the influence of any chemical stimulant…we don’t see the right or wrong in something until we sober up.

All we see is the “yummy that feels so good” right of everything. We can justify all kinds of things while under the influence…we would never agree to or even consider when NOT under the influence.


So what the hell does any of this have to do with “giving advice”?


All of the above is why I hate giving advice FemDom and the kink that goes with it. My own husband one-handed wandered into sites hoping to find “advice” on how to get what he wanted from me…..and it almost crushed me. He lost the ability to see me for the person I am and in that process…I took the “advice of others” because he asked me to…….because I love him and I want him to be happy. I have learned to adapt and thrive with a kinky man…for the sake of love….in some place of the FemDom world that would have me tossed out like a leper. True and real Dommes never do anything for the sake of the one offering the submission.

Oh well………..if that’s the way it is…so be it.

They will toss me out as I show them the last great ultimate defiance…..





That “advice” that crew gave my husband…..almost cost both of us…….the “happy” in our life.




So for the record….I am NOT offering advice as I traipse my way thru addressing the email here:


If this wife…………

can take

My history…

My experiences…..

My “been here–did this–this is how I survived and thrived in it”

T-shirt and make it work for her….then great.

If she can’t…….that doesn’t mean she’s less than me…it doesn’t mean she isn’t trying…… just means she isn’t me.

And good for her if she isn’t…

cuz I wouldn’t wish me and my life on even my worst enemy.

  1. Another excellent post. I love following your blog. The message you have about not being subject to someone else’s idea of what is the right way to live your life (based on someone’s else kink) is always spot on! Thank you


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