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Dear Reader: Just one woman’s take.

by on April 2, 2014

C&P of an email that came in while I was living sleep deprived as I juggled the recent short term job hop in our life.

Why don’t you write about how you use chastity? It is a part of D/s and FemDom you don’t talk much about and if you really are a true D/s couple chastity has to be part of it. It is the best way to get a sub to submit and without it you can never really have him in full submission.

 

 

Up front….

This isn’t going to be a

“warm fuzzy positive take”

on chastity play.

 

 I’m not anit-chastity it just isn’t something that plays a huge part in our D/s or FLR.

Chances are I am opening a huge can of worms here—

a can full of semantic squirming worms, in fact….

So here’s my disclaimer:

I’ll admit my own take on this is skewed and jaded, my experience with this initially wasn’t good and the whole attempt had me ready to call a full stop to the D/s and FemDom. When it came to chastity…..I had NO CONTROL over the way anything went. This is an accounting of yet another thing in the “FemDom” realm we took and made it our own in a way that worked for both of us, but looks nothing like what tends to be the S.O.P. for the kinky realm. This is merely a look at how it isn’t for everyone and some of the reasons it can go wrong and create even more kink conflict in a relationship that was already caught in a mess of kink conflict. It isn’t a criticism on how others practice or use chastity.

 

I’m not looking to discuss the semantics of chastity or how my husband doesn’t understand how “it works”. He did with this exactly what he had a habit if doing with all things FemDom kink:

 

Worked the angles so he could get what he wanted while making it look and sound like it was all about me.

 

 

Dear Reader;
Please let this serve as notice I have (as has my husband) blogged about the use of chastity in the past (but am too lazy to go digging thru the past postings to find where we did).
I’ll take this chance to create a concise go to link in the event this comes up again.
Chasity play is part of what we do as a D/s couple. Our attempts to make it a cornerstone of D/s failed miserably. I gave it all I had to make it work “his way” and there was the miserable part….it was built on “his way”. The failure came about because no matter how hard I tired, I could not enjoy his way.

I (we) won’t write much on it because it isn’t the focus of who we are as a D/s couple, part of us, but not what we are about all the time. It really is on the low end of the kink we have incorporated into our lives since we self-labeled what we have “FemDom D/s”.
We are a lot of things as a D/s couple and the thing that seems to consume most of our life as a D/s couple is the cuck/poly aspect, it is the most complex part of who we are. Even that isn’t all of what we are as a FLR or D/s couple but it is the part that takes the most work and effort on both parts to make sure it doesn’t spin out of control.

 

I can adapt to almost anything, but to adapt………. I have to have control of whatever it is I am adapting to, not just be “part” of whatever it is. Not absolute control……. but a controlling share. I guess if we divvied up the “FemDom” stock around our place…I’d own 51% of the shares, the 49% he holds gives him a strong voice in the D/s but I hold the veto power. I’m not much for using my veto powers…… I am more about trying to find a way that we can be bipartisan when applying his wants to my needs. That’s what it came down to with this particular kink and how we came to the point we are now days when it gets used in our D/s coupling.
When I agreed to add this type of play to our kink play list…..it quickly became all about him.
It turned into a nightmare mess of him expecting me to keep him aroused and a constant battle to let him “keep going” to see how long he could go before he actually had an orgasm. It didn’t have a thing in it for me, it was me doing all the work and he was getting all the benefits that he told me would be mine.
He was constantly wanting to point out to me he had gone “X” days without orgasm, wanting me to cheer him on to the next day and “enforcing” more and more time without an orgasm. That alone became so annoying I wanted to throw the damn thing he had locked on his dick in the trash. It became one more thing I had to keep up with. He became obsessed with “how long he could go”. It felt like that all it was about—-him and how long he could hold out. The irony is, the body will do what it is meant to do and sooner or later he would be visited by the night time wet dream fairy or he would spontaneously ejaculate during a session……. and when this happened……. the cycle started all over again….and after a day or two…I got caught in the fact he’d hit the limit of what he could get flowing on his own and needed me to get involved to help him build it all back up. I became the “fluff girl” in his game of hanging on to the high.
He told me the more aroused he was the more submissive he felt.
Okay….sounds good on paper……… but the catch was….if I didn’t keep him as aroused as he thought he needed to be to be “submissive” he got moody and It became a tug of war over how I wasn’t doing enough to help him stay aroused and to keep him from getting pissy over the fact he wasn’t getting enough “T&D” from me…..….he forced me into a situation I detest:
Service Top….I’m either the Domme or I am not. If I am being forced to dominant in order for him to be submissive I am servicing him and the circumstances I am not dominating him or the circumstances.
As I have noted in the past, I’ll play service top….and do so willingly…… but don’t tell me I am the dominant then proceed to demand either out loud with words or covertly with actions and mood swings…….. I do the domination in a specific way.

 

It all started out this way:
“Gee I would like for it to go like this but you do it your way…because it really is all about you”…he did it with mood swings and silence. It became clear he was good to go………. as long as I was servicing his kink urges in a manner he could get and stay aroused. I became nothing more than his “fluff girl”.
I was supposed to be aroused by arousing him and I was supposed to be content with being able to receive oral on demand from him and thrilled to orgasm by the fact he was walking around horny.
This is how it went:
I was to tell him he was in chastity and tell him how long………..then string it out as long as possible(in fact avoid pushing him to an orgasm)….the whole time demanding oral and teasing him with BDSM kink. Those were my “marching order” of sorts…….but it was supposed to be MY IDEA and MY WAY. He made sure I did it this way ……by micro managing me without many words other than ones he used during what was supposed to be him sharing ideas (negotiation) and then letting me take the kink and adapt it in a way that it worked for me and I could enjoy it along with him.
One of the most maddening parts of this idea was the fact I was supposed to avoid making him have an orgasm so that meant it was one more then added to my “ keep up with list” when it came to his sex life. Even when we were doing something sexual I had to constantly paying attention to his needs and watch for “that thing he does” when h is about to cum and then STOP him from cumming.

 

He didn’t want a “ruined orgasm”…….. he just flat out didn’t want an orgasm.

 

He wanted me to be the “edging tool” for him…and it turned me into to full blown tool…because I was walking in circles trying to figure out how the hell I was supposed to do what he wanted in a manner that made him feel like it was all my doing…that “I” as the Domme created the circumstances he the poor submissive was caught in.
How the hell was I supposed to relax enough to enjoy whatever it was he was doing “for me”?

 

 

*Taking deep breaths here——cuz damn the last thing I want is to hop on a soap box….okay may be too late to avoid the soap box*

That was the extent of what he offered me as his sexual partner: oral and always being horny and as long as he was horny in the degree he wanted to be he offered me his unconditional submission.
I was supposed to be ecstatic over the idea he was willing to give up P.I.V. and not “bug me for sex”.

The catch here:
He wasn’t bugging me for P.I.V……….. but he didn’t stop bugging me for sex.

This leg of the “FemDom” journey increased his sexual pestering because he still needed me to stimulate him sexually, in fact with chastity in play, he became more (passive) aggressive about pestering me for sex, he just didn’t want to have an orgasm while I was doing all these things to keep him hot and horny.
Chastity had nothing to do with being chaste. For him, it had everything to do with hanging on to the endorphin high that comes with the chemicals that flow freely during arousal. The longer he stayed on this high………. the more it took from me to keep it flowing and get it higher.
Things were even more complicated by the fact I had another partner and was occasionally having sexual intercourse with that secondary partner.
He assumed since I was “getting laid”…….I didn’t need or want an actual P.I.V. encounter with him.

He was very, very wrong about that.

 

I not only want P.I.V with him…I crave that….. the way he craves kink. Just because I was “getting some on the side” didn’t mean I wanted to stop sharing that with him. For me that part of our sex life is the most intimate way to reconnect. I can have sex with anyone but I do not connect with them in the way I connect to my husband during that act. That “connection” is not something that has ever or will ever happen in the sex act with my secondary.
This whole concept of chastity based on his ideal idea……was so far out of my own thinking range it almost broke the D/s part of us before we got out of the gate. I was never going to be able to adapt to what he wanted. I wasn’t willing to live a half celibate life with the one man who turns me on the most with the one man I actually ache for sexually and need to feel like I am satisfied sexually. My secondary merely scratches the itch……..he isn’t the salve that makes the itch subside.
At one point he suggested we use a strap on for him….so I could have the “P.I.V.” with him and I won’t even go into the tail spin that sent us into, here and now. It is its own mind numbing trip down the FemDom rabbit hole. I’ll just say my answer was no.
Add to all this:
I am not as sexually driven as my husband so the attention he needed while the chastity kink was in play…wore me out. The energy it took to keep him as aroused as he wanted to be was a constant challenge for me. It meant I had to be constantly “thinking kink” to make sure I was doing all the things he needed to get aroused, stay aroused and get more aroused. It put me on edge and had me resenting this kink to the point I dreaded it being brought up.
I really resented the idea he had to be aroused to be “submissive”. I got to the point I loathed hearing him say how submissive he was when horny. All I could think at times like that was:
“Okay so my only value to you is as your fluff girl and as long as I am willing to be your fluff girl you are willing to be submissive. No kink, no arousal——-no submission—— and all that equaled “No more Mister Nice Guy”.
If he couldn’t attempt submission without all kinds of sexually charged feel good chemicals rushing thru his system, then what was the point of submission? If his submission came with strings attached then it wasn’t submission it was “TfT”:
https://thesuburbandomme.com/2014/02/04/829/

 

 

And all the above is WHY……

I don’t write much about the chastity in our D/s marriage…because really now days…….. there isn’t much to write about.

 

I don’t need chastity to be part of us to have him be submissive and he proves that to me every day. He is pretty much “full sub mode” whether he is horny or not. For me, that IS full submission.
How do I use chastity?
I use it as an “enhancer”…as a lead in…into a planned scene.

I control everything about it now days.
The when, where and the how….and now days it is a “treat” I bestow on him for working so hard at submission without a carrot and stick mentality that can be so prevalent in some parts of the “FemDom” thought process.
He knows going in……there’s a limit to how long he will do without orgasm. There is a time limit always so he knows at the end of that time frame, trying to get more time is only going to result in me telling him he is on his own or possibly forcing him to masturbate to orgasm and not doing anything to help him get the chemicals levels back up again….in fact the end result of pushing me to get his way could leave him without any kind of kink in his sex life with me…..at all. He has to tread carefully and make sure he is focused on me…not his dick and the state of being chaste…when he gets to have this kink added to his play time with me.
We may go weeks or even months before I add this to the play list and he is never allowed to go more than 14 days without an orgasm. This way is my way. This way means as the Domme I have control over his orgasms in the way it works for me.
I’m no longer a service top *slash* fluff girl.

 

His submission isn’t contingent on what he wants to get in a sub frame of mind; it is all built around what I need as his dominant.

I do wear a key to a lock all the time even if he isn’t wearing the lock….…I am his key holder……and I will continue to be his key holder as long as he toes the lines that come with having me as his key holder.

 

This is what works for us….

YMMV.

🙂

Sincerely,

Just one woman.

From → Amplifications

6 Comments
  1. ” . . . and if you really are a true D/s couple chastity has to be part of it . . . ”

    Really? Who the fuck died and made you the king of D/s? There’s one fucking hell of a lot that goes into a relationship – yes, I said RELATIONSHIP – that includes D/s as part of its dynamic, and chastity DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PART OF IT.

    OM *fucking* FG, Serendipity. *THIS* is the kind of boxed-in “there’s only one way” thinking that pisses me right the fuck off.

    *

    “I don’t need chastity to be part of us to have him be submissive and he proves that to me every day. He is pretty much “full sub mode” whether he is horny or not. For me, that IS full submission.”

    THANK YOU.

    Like

    • OM *fucking* FG, Serendipity. *THIS* is the kind of boxed-in “there’s only one way” thinking that pisses me right the fuck off.

      Oh I read that loud and clear.

      It was *THIS* mentality that created so many issues for the goofball I am married to and me when he started trying to get me educated on the FemDom way of life.

      He bought into all this crap hook, line and sinker as gospel.

      I am hoping the one who wrote the email will make an appearance here and comment. I sure would love to have a conversation with them.

      And you are most welcome 🙂

      Like

      • The whole thought process behind “you can’t *really* be a D/s couple if you don’t do chastity” makes about as much sense as “you can’t *really* be a woman if you don’t wear high heels.”

        You are who – and what – you are. It matters not at all how you accessorize.

        You were quite diplomatic in your response to this email, my friend. Well done.

        And in case anyone else finds it useful, I did a quick search (LOVE the search widget!) and found the post you wrote about this last year, which was Teh Awesome: https://thesuburbandomme.com/2013/03/13/td-chastity-edging-compulsive-masturbation-and-premature-ejaculation/.

        Like

      • Well not hide nor hair from the email writer thus far…….seems the anonymity of posting a comment isn’t enough anonymity and there’s an extra level of unrecognizability that comes with sending an email?

        Maybe the writer hoped to spur me into some juicy verbal spillage about how I use this type of kink?

        *shoulder shrug/eye roll*

        I’ll never understand the mind set of anyone who say’s if you are “A”….. then you have to be “B”……..or you aren’t really what you say you are…when it comes to ANYTHING in life.

        I guess if this mind set proposed (wished for) by the email author is correct…..all couples who practice some form of chastity must be FLR/FemDom/D/s participants?

        Every man who wants to be teased and denied…is a sub?

        I don’t know the answers to these questions…….but my guess-estimation for the answers would be….probably not.

        I can take a half assed stab at the “all men who want it are subs”…

        Eargasm guy loves a good go-round of T&D but he isn’t sub and he doesn’t want a D/s relationship of any kind…….so that kind of blows that theory out the water.

        And thanks for finding that link…I really was too lazy to go digging and to be honest I’d forgot about that one.

        Hell I wouldn’t even have my own “search widget” had it not been for you telling me how to get it there!! {{{Lady Feve}}} 🙂

        Like

  2. Excellent as always. Thank you!

    Like

  3. You’re welcome. 🙂

    Like

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