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She’s so vanilla: Take Two

by on March 28, 2013

Take one here:

https://thesuburbandomme.com/2013/03/16/shes-so-vanilla/

I have been bumping around the net tonight……..on a recon mission on the topic of chastity and devices.

For the past three hours I have been reading chastity forums and I kept reading the same thing over and over:

If the use of the chastity play failed….it failed because the wife or the girlfriend was “just so vanilla” she can’t get into it or get  it right.

Seriously…am I the only one who can SEE how absolutely insulting that is?

I don’t care what kind of kink play didn’t work……saying it didn’t work because one partner was “just to vanilla” is gutless.  It is a cop-out and completely dismissive of the partners own wants and needs.

HER…..not wanting it your way…… does NOT make her vanilla.

How many ways do I need to type this to get the message clear?

Let’s try it this way:

Just because a partner doesn’t have an interest in the same kink…..doesn’t make them vanilla. All it makes them is not into what you are into.

Turn this around………..how would it feel to hear your partner say

“Well this didn’t work because you are too kinky!” Because guess what……..chances are if things aren’t working…your kink is getting in her way as much as you “think” her vanilla is getting in your way.

For gawd’s sake……MAN THE FUCK UP ALREADY and take some responsibility for WHY it didn’t work.

It didn’t fall apart because she’s sssoooooooo vanilla…

It fell apart because something happened in the process of getting it in play…

and it takes TWO to TANGO.

If she agreed to at least try…

then she was at least interested in trying to acquiring the kink.

What went wrong?

Did you push too hard in the first place so she started “playing for peace” just to shut you up?

Did she not do it the way you wanted her too?

Did all her efforts fall short of your expectations?

Did you tell her she could call the shots then you started picking and choosing which shots she called and played along only if the shot she called worked for you?

Here’s some food for thought:

Before you start pointing the finger at her and throwing a hissy fit about how she’s to vanilla…

Ask yourself…where did I GO WRONG where was I TOO KINKY?

It’s a two-way street…you gotta give to get……she agreed to try…..and something went wrong in the process for her also, it didn’t just go bad for you.

The “she’s so vanilla” is an end run around addressing WHY it went wrong for her.

Truth is….the kink that went wrong…may just be something that isn’t her thing. That doesn’t make her vanilla.

If you don’t enjoy the kink she enjoys…does that make YOU vanilla?

Cuz come on…wouldn’t that logic follow?

Oh no wait…..I get it…her kinks don’t look like kink to you because…well………they aren’t your kinks, they don’t look or sound like the kink you have in your head(s)……..so abracadabra………she’s vanilla!

This isn’t venom I am spewing here.

I’m not anti-kink… I can’t afford to be.

I live with a man who owns more kink then 20 miles of chain link fence.

I do think sometimes men get so busy feeling sorry for themselves that a kink didn’t pan out to be what they had built up in their head(s)……… they forget there was another person in the equation who was also let down in some way.

Am I biased?

You bet your ass I am.

I’m not unsympathetic to the men caught in the circumstances but my gut felt empathy is for the women caught in it also.

Why? Because I was the wife caught in the circumstances.

I was the wife with a husband who would get sullen and moody because he felt there wasn’t enough kink in our sex life and it wasn’t there because I was “so vanilla” and his sex life was suffering.

His way of justifying his right to be moody and pissy and avoid his own responsibilities for OUR sex life going bad………..when kink fell apart…..it fell apart because I was so vanilla.

He wasn’t getting what he wanted and his sex life was suffering.

What he rarely stopped to consider:

MINE

WAS

TOO.

From → Amplifications

28 Comments
  1. Have you met Thumper? http://denyingthumper.com/

    He’s written about his journey into chastity, which includes how his communications have gone with his Belle Fille. He takes responsibility for his own choices, accepts his own kinks, and does ~ in my humble opinion ~ an excellent job of taking his partner’s feelings, contributions, and sacrifices into account when he’s processing.

    I like him. You might too.

    Like

    • Thank you!

      I did a skim peruse of the bloggins and am looking forward to getting the time to sit down with a glass of wine and Monsieur Notasub 😉 have a good long read of the bloggins!

      Signed Serendipity..(heavy on the dipity :)) )

      Not the smartest person in the world………but smart enough to find and make friends with people who are smart advisors!

      Like

      • “Serendipity McKink and Monssieur Notasub Read A Blog”

        Sounds like the title of a picture book. *snort*

        Like

  2. I still think of ice cream when I see the word vanilla 🙂 Vanilla ice cream with some hot fudge and nuts…now that sounds good…I am sorry I can’t help it.. Calling a person vanilla just is so weird…Saying her kinks are different from his sounds way better and is way easier to understand, plus it is respectful….

    Like

    • I like vanilla. As flavors go, it’s the one thing that can be added to just about any mix and still improve the flavor. It goes great with chocolate, caramel, and nuts. It compliments raspberry just as efficiently as it does coffee. It’s great in hot chocolate, and amazing in ice cream. It is, perhaps, the most mutable ~ and the most palatable ~ of any essence.

      Plus is smells amazing. 😀

      So I don’t think it’s an insult. Vanilla is a catalyst. And it is the only flavor that is both consistent and changeable at the same time. For someone to be truly vanilla means they are a delicious ingredient in a delightful recipe. And nothing would be the same without them.

      Like

  3. jobewan permalink

    I just discovered your blog in the nick of time. I’ve been feeling “neglected” and have been faulting her for complacency and lack of attention to my “needs,” which I felt I had earned by going over and beyond on chores and such. I realize that she doesn’t yet understand the “time-sensitive” nature of our cycle. I emailed her a copy of your “Science” article that I think will do wonders to help us deal with my addiction.

    Like

  4. Hey ya joebewan!
    Welcome aboard. 🙂

    And I hate to start out with you thinking I am picking on you……so please know…my intent isn’t to be abrasive or rude…but I am going to be blunt…

    (FWIW:
    Blunt is quicker….because it gets us to the root of things….. so if there’s help here for you and your wife….we can fast track it…cuz no doubt…you are both feeling wounded and would love to find some peace.)

    Would you mind elaborating on what you mean by this:

    ______________________________________________
    Quote:

    I realize that she doesn’t yet understand the “time-sensitive” nature of our cycle.
    ______________________________________________

    I don’t want to unfairly jump to conclusions.

    I HATE typed words……..without face expression and our own voice inflection……our words fall at the mercy of the ones who read us…they get to assign the ~* countenance—the sentiment*~ and all we can hope is they will be fair when they do…or ask if they don’t know how to apply a sentiment to our words……
    So I am asking, because it wouldn’t be fair for me to try to guess your “sentiment” as you typed it. 🙂

    And I will tell you I am not a big fan of “informing by email” 😉

    But what’s done is done…and I hope once she reads the email……..she’ll come and have a look around with you…that you will both have a look and read together. 🙂

    Like

    • jobewan permalink

      Like your husband, I am an Alpha (54 yrs. old) who craves to be dominated. I am aware of the mood cycle, and know when I really need a “fix”. If I don’t get it when I really, really need it, I wind up feeling neglected, and the high from the state of arousal is lost, and depression sets in. I know this is inevitable, and it isn’t her fault. It’s just part of the cycle. She doesn’t get it why I’m grumpy and moody after the buzz is lost. Although I sent her your “Science” article, she still “hasn’t got around” to reading it. I’m not going to force my kink on her when the iron is hot. If’s she’s not in the mood, I’ll just walk back into the woods, cut a switch, and flagellate myself like the monks do, and later she’ll ask where the red marks came from. Then she’ll realize, “Oh, I probably should have done something for him.” How about next Sunday, honey? Sorry, but It was “time sensitive.” and I’ll be in the grumpy PMS part of my cycle. Oh well.

      Like

      • Okay gotcha…..and I’m glad you came back to answer me……now the trick is not scaring you off for good.

        CUZ…… me thinks…… you may not like the next round.

        Gotta ask if you have talked to her…or just pestered her and talked at her…for the kink you crave?

        How many “hints” have you emailed her?

        Here’s the deal…your wife doesn’t know me from Adam’s house cat…why should she give a rat’s ass how I handle my husband and his kink wants?

        If you have been emailing her stories about women who just learned to love FemDom because it got their man under control…….and wondering why she isn’t jumping on baord…….well hell…….I am tempted to ask for her email address so I can tell her to print out what you sent her from me……and then shove it where the sun don’t shine on you.
        Have a look at this:
        https://thesuburbandomme.com/2013/03/15/that-is-so-rude/

        A*N*D
        YES!!
        Yes!!!
        YES!!!!!!!!

        I am making some pretty wide assumption here about what you have done in the past when it comes to trying to get her to do it your way.

        FEEL FREE to tell me how off base I am…..cuz it won’t hurt my feelings a bit to have you tell me I wrong….really won’t 🙂

        (but ummm……..make sure I’m wrong. 😉 )

        If you two are dancing around the topic instead of talking about it…..she may not be telling you…you are driving her bat shit bonkers…to avoid hurting your feelings….instead she tells you “OH sorry…just didn’t find time/OH dang……I forgot again.”

        And it is time sensitive to you…but it isn’t to her…and I am guessing “your timing” isn’t in sync with hers….and I am guessing the farther into this cycle you get…the more asshole you become…so why would she even want to try? What’s in this for her other then you stop being an asshole?

        UMMMM as her spouse it is your job to not be an asshole–without the promise of kink…don’t ya think? 😉

        PLEASE-PLEASE-PLEASE……..
        What you have to take into consideration:

        My husband and I spent almost 24 years fighting about his kink……before he decided it was “FemDom” that he craved…..and even then he was so freakin ambiguous when he brought the topic up…….and instead of just talking to me…… he decided to let other people and “stuff” do his talking for him……and he went about it in so many wrong ways trying to get me to give him what he wanted……and try to show me what he wanted.

        I finally got the clue NOT because I am a kind and wonderful benevolent wife…
        I got a clue because at a point where he was hanging by the skin of his teeth—he had pushed me to the brink of breaking in tow over his kink wants—– he found someone I could relate to….and she pretty much gave me the words……let him have……with both barrels…and he backed off and left me alone.

        He didn’t stay backed off…but from that point on….I had the words to slow him down…and shut him down and make him get his head out of his ass.

        AND yes-yes-yes……..
        I don’t know what your circumstances are…this is all pure “guessing” cuz I know more guys like my husband then I care to own up to. 😉

        So again…fell free to tell me I am off the mark…….and tell me where I am off the mark.
        FYI: you shouldn’t be “forcing your kink” on her at all.

        And feel free to walk away from the blog……..calling me all kinds of ugly names….you wouldn’t be the first guy who did that…and well….LOL…….you won’t be the last.
        I’m not gonna candy coat what I say……because that kind of bullshit gaming might feed your notion you are entitled to kink and she has some kind of obligation to you to preform it for her……and it will end up gutting your wife.

        As much I as sympathize with how rough this might be for you….ad it may not seem like it…but I do…..
        But…….my empathy is with your wife.

        Like

      • I’m on the fly and up to my eyeballs in gators here…..but I had to peek and see what you said when I got the notice you’d replied.

        THANK YOU!

        For not slinking off and for speaking your mind and giving me the back ground and being so forthright with it!

        I have a bit of a three ring circus in my living room right now but tomorrow I’ll get back to you.
        I am looking forward to chatting with you I think we can learn a lot from each other.

        I may be comfortable in the lifestyle now days…but that sure as hell doesn’t mean there’s nothing left for me to learn about the guy I do this with and improve the way we do it.

        Like

  5. jobewan permalink

    First, let me thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I must have struck a nerve to get your attention. I love blunt, so here goes. I’m 54, she’s 41, her first marriage, my second, seven years now. Back in December, we negotiated an all-inclusive lifestyle agreement. There were many incentives for her. We talked, read articles together, and then began our journey. She planned to study and I was to find resources that would help her develop her skills. I was supposed to send her things to read. Your article was the first I felt worthy, because it explained something I had a hard time putting my finger on. It was not to “preform” her to you. It was about helping her understand me. She wants to manage my kink, but she doesn’t yet know how. I train and direct people for a living. Yet I refrain from doing it my way with her. I want her to read and contemplate without me looking over her shoulder. All of us guys want that. We want you to think of things and do them without us telling you to do it. And, we want you to like it and enjoy it. Because if you don’t, we feel ashamed and self-loathed. I can tell BS when I read it, and your writing rings true, although you don’t have enough information to judge me, my history, or my search to fulfill myself before I die.

    Like

    • I’m on the fly and up to my eyeballs in gators here…..but I had to peek and see what you said when I got the notice you’d replied.

      THANK YOU!

      For not slinking off and for speaking your mind and giving me the back ground and being so forthright with it!

      I have a bit of a three ring circus in my living room right now but tomorrow I’ll get back to you.
      I am looking forward to chatting with you I think we can learn a lot from each other.

      I may be comfortable in the lifestyle now days…but that sure as hell doesn’t mean there’s nothing left for me to learn about the guy I do this with and improve the way we do it.

      Like

    • Again…thanks for not blasting me to the river Styx and slinking off in a huff…
      I’ve had that happen more times than I can count. *eye roll here*

      If they guy is looking to get me to “coach his wife” on how to be a Domme.

      That’s the only nerve you hit. 😉

      Just in the last week or so I have had two emails from men wanting me to write to their wives and “explain how easy this is to do” and kind of coach them into domming their men..and explain WHY it would be such a good thing for them..and after all it is so easy.
      UGH!!

      Sorry buckos…….if she ain’t hard wired for it…it ain’t gonna be easy.

      I have found the fastest way to get that kind to go away and leave me alone…is to take a head on run at them as bluntly—candidly– as possible. If they choose to see it as rude….well…see ya, bobo cuz I want them to go away….they can just go away or go away mad…..either ay I want them gone.

      I don’t have time in my life for people who count…no way am I gonna waste time on someone who wants me to pet and baby them and play yes man. I don’t do that with the people in my life…….sure as hell not gonna do it for a stranger who wants me to do something…….that if it was done to me…would piss me off to the point of melting down like a reactor.
      SSSOOOOOOOOOOO…………………….ummm..yeah..soap box anyone? *blush*

      Your reply …….pretty much from the hip…means I am not going to have to kid glove you….we both agree blunt is good.

      I like blunt……. because as I said in my first post……it fast tracks getting to the root of whatever is the issues….so blunt we will both be.

      Safe to say she isn’t hard wired for BDSM kink?

      That not a “little thing”…..in fact it is a BIG thing.

      If she’s not hard wired for it…it means she has to work at adding the thoughts of BDSM to her thought process…before she can ever add it to your sex life ( and we are talking sex life here…….yours AND hers..you are asking her to add to this to HER sex life also. 😉 )

      Why do you think it is she won’t read the the post in my blog?

      Is it a matter of time……or could it be she is in over her head and she doesn’t know how to tell you she is?

      She could be afraid she’s is going to let you down…..if she owns up to the fact she didn’t really understand what it was you two “negotiated”. ( been there…did that..and well hell…it wasn’t fun and it had me in knots…that I was killing myself to hide from him)

      As a woman who isn’t hard wired for BDSM kink……all the “incentives” in the world aren’t going to help me learn to be hard wired…I can acquire the skills……..but I am way past the date of being hard wired for it……..I will always have to work a little harder to keep the thought of the BDSM in my mind…I don’t just fall into “ oh I need to dominate him mode”.

      Yes a lot of things “just happen” now days…but ummm…you have been at this four months? It took us a good ten years to get to the point e could even talk about it without it turning into a war….and another two years to get where we are right now….and he still has to do without and kind of remind me…..he’s feeling like I forgot him…and that is a damned slippery slope……and a mine field for him to walk in…because he has to do it without whining and without telling me HOW to.

      (See what I mean when I say…this isn’t “easy”? 😉 )

      Maybe this is her?
      Maybe she is having a hard time trying to figure out HOW to “think BDSM kink”?

      Maybe she needs more help from you other than just sending her stuff to read. You have pretty much asked her to study a complicated foreign language without much help…make sense?

      The truth is…….there’s’ not much out there “to study” because there are a bazillion ways to “be” a D/s couple.

      Yes there are tons of books and web sites dedicated to the concept…but if she’s not “hard wired” to think BDSM kink ( like me) then that stuff may not to do much for her.

      It may end up just frustrating her and confusing her more( it did me)….and “just doing it for you” so you don’t feel like a bad guy for asking her to do it….well that is a whole lot of responsibility to drop in her lap….you are in a roundabout way asking her to read your mind.

      Why not just print out the post that you thought she could benefit from and use it to start a conversation with her?
      Or better yet…..write it in your own words……and sit down and talk to her. Pick a time you know she’s got time to really discuss it…and read her the post..instead of leaving her to shoulder it alone.

      I am hitting a “wall of words” point here…so I am going to leave this and sometime in the next day or two to touch on a couple of other points.
      But please….in the meantime…..speak up…….I’m not looking to preach at you…I want us to have a conversation.

      Like

    • Joebewan:

      You love blunt? Here goes!

      As I say to Monssieur Notasub… GIRD YOUR LOINS. And… Whatnot… 😉

      *

      “I’m 54, she’s 41, her first marriage, my second, seven years now.”

      Stop right now. Your age difference doesn’t matter. The fact that you’ve “done this before” and it’s her “first time” doesn’t matter. My husband is 16 years my senior (and has been married before), and our relationship is FLR.

      And don’t try to tell me that age doesn’t matter to you, because if it *didn’t* matter to you, YOU WOULDN’T HAVE MENTIONED IT.

      SO: Take a good hard look at yourself and how you interact with your spouse, Mr Alpha, because if she is younger than you, and you are treating her in a paternalistic manner, your 24/7 fantasy is NOT gonna come true. And if you can’t be Beta to *her* Alpha, you are essentially TOPPING FROM THE BOTTOM. Which is *not* FemDom. And if you compare her in ANY way to your first wife… STOP RIGHT NOW.

      *

      Furthermore: “Back in December, we negotiated an all-inclusive lifestyle agreement.”

      Really? Do you have a contract?

      Because if you don’t, perhaps you need to establish one.

      And if you do, you definitely need to refer to it.

      And the contractual language cannot be vague. *Everything* must be spelled out. The reason being… What you *mean* by “in a timely manner” might be “within 36 hours”, and what she *understands* by “timely manner” might mean “sometime this week”. You cannot take for granted that you will both interpret terminology the same way. Talk it out, spell it out, contract it, discuss it as you go, and make modifications as necessary.

      Encourage her to ask you questions, and give her genuine responses. THINK about what you are asking her to do. How you present your requests (and they are REQUESTS; it is up to HER which requests she honors and which she does not) is vital. To get a clearer idea of where she may be coming from, I’d highly recommend you read my response to Thumper and Plotin on this post: http://denyingthumper.com/2013/04/12/why-o-why/.

      *

      “There were many incentives for her.”

      Clarify, please. Does this mean…

      “She is doing this for me because I’ve offered her incentives for compliance”?

      OR

      “She will get better sex from me because/when she gives me what I want”?

      OR

      “She feels threatened/coerced into this because if she doesn’t do it, our relationship is over”?

      I have no idea how to respond to this. It’s vague, to say the least.

      *

      “We want you to think of things and do them without us telling you to do it.”

      She probably does, and likely she has.

      Frankly…

      If she hit you with something that was her own idea… WOULD YOU EVEN RECOGNIZE IT?

      24/7 or not… D/s (FemDom or otherwise) is about maintaining a dynamic; it’s not about keeping you jacked up on a hormonal high all the time. If she’s in charge, then She’s. In. Charge.

      Period.

      And she has ZERO obligation to make her in-charge-ness mold to your pre-fab’ed fantasies. SHE has wants/needs/desires/fantasies too, after all. It’s not all about you. As a matter of fact, if it’s “all about” anyone… It should be all about HER.

      Your life together ~ which includes, but is not limited to your SEX LIFE together ~ requires input from both of you.

      You cannot NOT tell her what you like. You cannot NOT show her what you appreciate. You cannot NOT take into account what SHE NEEDS to feel loved/cherished/lusted-after/sexy. You cannot RELINQUISH RESPONSIBILITY to communicate. The fact that you train people for a living should help you in your communication process here, not hinder it. Educate, yes. But DEFER to her authority.

      *

      And one last thing: From your previous comment…

      “If’s she’s not in the mood, I’ll just walk back into the woods, cut a switch, and flagellate myself like the monks do, and later she’ll ask where the red marks came from. Then she’ll realize, “Oh, I probably should have done something for him.” How about next Sunday, honey? Sorry, but It was “time sensitive.” and I’ll be in the grumpy PMS part of my cycle.”

      Frankly, I would kick your ass out of my bed for this. It’s passive-aggressive, it’s disrespectful, it’s not inclusive of her needs/wants/desires/feelings, and basically…

      IT’S SELFISH.

      Stop it!

      *

      Aaaaannnd…

      Now I’m hungry.

      Take it or leave it, Joebewan. But Madame McKink is Good People, and she specifically requested my two cents. So do with it what you will.

      Meanwhile, I need chocolate.

      Like

    • BBUUWWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA:
      _______________________________________
      Quote:
      As I say to Monssieur Notasub… GIRD YOUR LOINS. And… Whatnot…
      ________________________________________

      AND she ain’t kidding 😉 😛

      https://thesuburbandomme.com/2013/04/19/head-on-my-shoulders-space/

      And just a little more of Mrs Fever and Monssieur Notasub chatting:

      https://thesuburbandomme.com/2013/03/24/yum/#comment-1047

      It’s why I asked her to comment here….because it was this was this kind of blunt that got my husband and I where we are now days…he stopped acting like the victim and started trying to help me survive…HIS request.

      Like

  6. Mrs. Fever hit a couple of the things I was thinking about when I said I’d be back to touch on other topics.

    I’m gonna start here:
    This:
    Quote jobewan:
    We want you to think of things and do them without us telling you to do it.”
    ——
    Quote Mrs. Fever:
    She probably does, and likely she has.
    Frankly…
    If she hit you with something that was her own idea… WOULD YOU EVEN RECOGNIZE IT?
    _________________________________________

    Mrs Fever has made a very valid point.

    There were times I thought I WAS doing things he said he needed to help him deal with the urges…but would find out later……he didn’t even notice what I was doing because they didn’t fall into the “spectrum” of what he saw as me doing the “right things”…it didn’t fall into HIS ideal idea of how it should be…so umm..so much for “you do it and do it your way” being words worth putting effort into.

    He said he wanted it to be MY IDEA…but what he meant was he wanted me to take his idea and use it in the way he wanted me to….but he wanted me to act like it was my idea….so it “didn’t take the fun out of it for him”.

    He really didn’t want me thinking for us…..or using my own ideas….but he was so damned vague…all I could do was guess……and rarely did I guess right and what I did do…blew right past him. That left me feeling like I couldn’t win…he wouldn’t help me…..he wouldn’t do anything other then drop hints and HOPE I caught on…often I did catch on…but my preference for helping him…..well…..it didn’t even get his attention….not even so much as a a half assed attempt from him to acknowledge what I was doing……because it didn’t fit into what he was expecting. So he didn’t “see it”.

    I have to go back to the “I’m not hard wired to think BDM kink” so it is extra work for me…and even if I WAS BDSM hard wired……I would have needed more than then the wishy-washy info he kept giving me …unless he was willing or just ACCEPT the BDSM that I added on MY TERMS.

    He kept using the “but it needs to be your idea without me telling you what to do” line on me but he wasn’t willing to just accept MY WAY because it didn’t look like or feel like what he wanted.

    My gut hunch here is she may confused because you are sending her mixed messages with the
    “I want you do to do it your way”…then when she does…well…..it isn’t what you are looking for…so you don’t know she is trying and she feels like she is running in a circle.

    I do have to wonder just how much you two are actually collaborating………it is as much about collaboration as it is communtication….all the communication in the world is worthless if you aren’t fining a middle ground. If you went to a pro Domme…before you ever started the session she would expect details…she would collaborate as she communicated with you to give you what you are looking for….why doesn’t your wife warrant this type of respect?

    You said you found my blog thru the link on thumper’s blog…Mrs. Fever is the one who left that link…and I agree with her in the fact you might want to go back and read what she said long before the part about the link to my blog.

    Things aren’t working out between you and your wife as you try to process getting the D/s lifestyle in place…..or you wouldn’t be here or anywhere for that matter….. looking for a way to get your message across to her. That’s not me making a judgment call on you or your wife…that is me bluntly stating the obvious.

    You have choices…..
    You can stay on this path and both of you are going to be miserable.
    You can bully her into giving you what you want and you are both going to be miserable.

    Or you can seriously contemplate what is being said here and re-examine where things aren’t falling into place and figure out where you need to be better at collaborating with your wife…rather than leave her swinging in the wind……with the “do it your way, without me asking….. because if you don’t I’ll feel like a rat bastard”.

    Where you are right now doesn’t feel so good does it?

    Could it be any worse to become part of the process and ask her what it is she NEEDS to help you get what you want?

    Could it be any worse if you did help her find a way to do what you want in a way that works for her…….instead of leaving her to stumble around in the dark?

    I was also going to address the “incentives” issue a bit more…. but Mrs. Fever did it much better than I could have so I’ll let what she said stand for me.

    And again……..the point here isn’t about preaching at you……if what we have to say doesn’t fit into what you want to hear….then I guess we won’t hear from you.

    But I hope you will be an active part of the conversation.

    Like

  7. jobewan permalink

    I see that my post has generated some discussion. I’ll try to take the time and sift through it for things of value a little later. By the way, she read the “Science of Kink” article I emailed her and thought it was helpful and informative and she’ll likely read some more that I send her way. She now better understands the concept of striking the iron when it’s hot, not when it’s stone cold. She also knows it takes some effort to keep the iron hot, and that you can’t just expect things to stay great if you don’t stay engaged. Thanks for your helpful advice. Again, we are not beginners at this and are both trying to learn a new dynamic beyond just the occasional play sessions. The ïncentives involved finances, chores, household decisions, and free time management, the usual stuff.

    Like

    • Hey joebwan, glad you dropped by again.

      I’m glad she found the link helpful, I’m curious to know if she’s read any more of the blog overall?

      I’d love to have her input on what she sees here because the blog is meant to be for women who are dealing with guys like my husband…women who aren’t BDSM hard wired but trying to learn about the life style and how to adapt it in a way they are comfortable and feel like there’s something in the lifestyle for them….more than just doing something to please a partner.

      And that reads a whole lot more “exclusive” then I mean for it to…….I hope the blog is “reader friendly” to both sides of the equation…the male partner looking for ways to discuss the topic with their partner.

      There’s just not much out there for “women like your wife and me”….women who aren’t BDSM hard wired but trying to adapt to the lifestyle because a partner asked.

      I do find most men have extremely unrealistic expectations that dump a lot of responsibility on their partner…if their partner agrees to try.

      You say you’re not “new to this” but you said before you had only been at it four months….and gawd…nitpicking sorry…but trying to understand:
      Are you saying this isn’t the first time you two have tried to get a D/s arrangement in place between you as a couple?

      It’s been tried before but it didn’t gel?

      Like

    • Joe, if you are still popping on to see what’s up here in the cyber-burbs…..
      I’m wondering if you have read any of the section my husband “guest blogs” to:

      https://thesuburbandomme.com/category/the-suburban-submissive/

      Thought if you haven’t …….it might be some help just to have a look
      🙂

      Like

  8. jobewan permalink

    Dropped by this morning and read your husband’s blog. Hope you’re feeling better. I found many commonalities with him, even the car hobby. For better or worse, my wife and I mutually agreed to suspend the 24/7 lifestyle arrangement on Friday. The leadership role was too stressful for her, and getting in the way of the required head space. She gave me back my debit cards, cash, and blackmail photos from the safe deposit box, and gave me the pin number to unfreeze my credit. I rejoined the local golf club after seven years, and bought another junk car to play with. Life is good. When we feel like it, we’ll play our pretend games, with no pressure. Living a fantasy is great if you can believe it’s real, or at least possible. I just don’t think it is in our case. I’ll check in every week or so, and share a thought or two.

    Like

    • I am on the mend, thank you.

      This may come as a shock because I was so gruff with you but I am really sorry to read it didn’t work out.

      We have been there, we had so many false starts that we both lost count and every time we both ended up feeling let down, hurt and raw. It gutted me to know I had let him down and there are those who would say I shouldn’t feel that way…but it is what it is…..I love the goofy kinked up guy so I WANT him to be happy but I can’t be unhappy to make him happy and here we are back to circles inside circles. It’s not an easy way to be a couple, with this between you, it is always the elephant in the room, and I do feel for both you and your wife.

      And please do drop in when you have time and share your thought, who knows what you may discover about yourself in the process. My husband found a lot of the “peace between us” in the words of others who were struggling with the same issues. For him it helped to know he wasn’t the only guy out there trying to adjust to being with a partner who isn’t as kinky as he is and to adjust in a way he could be happy with what I have to offer.

      I have to say your wife took on a lot more then I could have, I won’t do the blackmail nor will I do the “take over the house/finances” that’s just a whole lot more then I would be willing to go for and I know that sound silly because I am I had the guts to cuck him. Just goes to show we all have our limits and our limits are never going to look the same and we just may not know what they are until we hit the spot that IS the limit.

      And I have to say we don’t live the fantasy around our place at all and once my husband stopped being worried about it being LIKE the fantasy….things got a hell of a lot easier for me to be able to find ways to give him what he asks for in a way that works for me

      Like

  9. Jobewan permalink

    After a month of “freedom,” we’ve agreed to take another swim, recognizing the limitations and lessons learned from the first round. More discussion, more negotiation, more organization, and then pulling the pin for another ride. I still hope to achieve submission by by 55th birthday next year.

    Like

    • Jobewan, sorry so slow to reply here.
      I hope things are settling in for both your wife and you and good luck. I hope you’ll keep us updated on how things are going.

      Like

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The Suburban Domme

The Suburban Domme Living with a (semi) submissive man

O Miss Pearl

Non-professional perspective femdom & kink with awesome erotica.

Elene Sallinger

Award winning author of Awakening

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