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Learning the science of FemDom.

by on February 18, 2012

(A/K/A Jacking up the joy juice)

For  women who get asked into this, who aren’t as kinked up as their partner, chance are one of the first things that goes thru her mind is “Why”?

There’s so many different answers to that, I’d crush the back bone of the internet with the weight of the list, if I just started listing just the “Whys” of the few men I know who crave this type of play.

I drove myself crazy when I started digging around trying to figure out the “whys” of what my SAM was looking for when he asked me into this.

I never wondered much about the psychological aspects.

But often I find that people wonder WHY  some people crave these things and ask questions like:

Was he molested as kid? (NO)

Was there some life altering event that caused him to crave kinky sex?(NO)

Did he have an over bearing mommy? (NO)

Did his dad strip him of his masculinity as a young boy? (NO)

Did some girls tackle him, tie him up and kick him in the nuts on the playground? (NO)

Is he really just a wimp and coward/scared little boy…. under all the wrapping of an aggressive type “A” Alpha pisser? (NO)

Was there…….was there…….was there…….the answer is always NO-NO-NO.

It’s just who he is…end of that story.

The” why”  I needed an answer to wasn’t  psychological, I was looking for the physiological “why”.

I knew there had to be something behind his cravings for kinky sex.

I needed to know  why his personality changed so much and changed right before my eyes.

I could see it happening.

It scared the hell out of me………. for both of us.

I know my man; I knew there had to be something….some kind of need that was tangible…..inside his core being…….. for him to permit something to change his personality so much he was hurting me with the quest to find something to sate the urges for kinked up sex, not just BDSM.

My husband wouldn’t intentionally hurt me, even if he had a gun to his head,but this craving would become so intense it changed his whole demeanor and became more then a gun to his head.

By year four of or marriage I started to see patterns in his behavior.

I could chart his moods swings connected to the kink craving as methodically as I could chart of own menstrual cycle.

I started to see it was a “cyclical event” for him.

We could go months without the slightest hint of his need for kink, and then something would trigger that cycle into fast forward motion, then the journey into hell started for both of us.

It took me years to understand what was behind the personality shifts that occurred when the urges for kink become cravings that turned into obsessions.

It’s chemical addiction.

He’s hooked on drugs that are supplied by his own body.

The “more then a gun to his head”……… is his body’s need to find that “high” that comes with being sexually aroused.

I call this “his need for a joy juice high” and he is always looking for way to get the joy juice high jacked up as high as he can get it before the inevitable orgasm sends his high crashing. My husband is on a mission to not have an orgasm; he is on a mission to avoid orgasms at all costs. He wants that high that comes from the state of being aroused and he wants it higher and higher without ending. Orgasm in his world, is a bad-bad thing.

He isn’t a “sex addict” as defined by the modern medical/psychological community’s standards. He displays none of the promiscuous compulsive behavior that exemplifies sex addiction.

I don’t consider him a sex addict at all. Never have…never will.

When he is looking for a “fix” I am his main compulsion.

He uses his own fantasies and porn to get some the high, but at some point  he will have he need to move the cravings from his head into reality to get higher,and then I am what he fixates on; he wants me to be the external supplier, the needle in his arm, the pill that he swallows, that gets his body loaded up on his drugs of choice. I become the obsession.

Getting dragged, kicking and screaming into a world on the internet where other women and conversing with men who are were dealing with this type of sexual nature,  helped me understand the very real science of this chemical chain of events, helped me understand what was going on with the man who is my world.

FemDom, Female domination has become a tool I use to help him mange this cycling.

By turning his kinks on him, staying one step ahead of him in the cycling, keeps him from getting out of control and becoming a self-absorbed junkie who’s only thought is getting his next fix.

I am “rehab/detox”.

The thing is, for any rehab or detoxing to work, the one who is in rehab/detox has to be honest about WHY they ended up in rehab….and why they need to detox. They have to be willing to work with the ones who are trying to help them break free of whatever it is that has an unhealthy hold on them.

My husband had to be willing to let me control they cycles and everything attached to them.

He has to let me do it my way, in a way I can help him, without doing myself in. Dragging down the care giver in the process of trying to cope isn’t going to bode well for either party.

In turn I have to be honest and accepting of who he is and accept the fact the cravings are not going to go away each time we go thru rehab and detox. He isn’t “clean” of the drugs after detox…the drugs are just purged to lower levels……the drug dealer is body, he’ll never been 100% clean. A dream about BDSM activities, me in a short skirt and a pair of heels on me, things getting crazy at work—any number of things can set the cycle in motion.

He is always somewhere in the cycle.

He can’t stop the cycling but he can control the way it affects my life.

My part of the job to keep the cycles from doing us both in:

I have to stay on my toes and pay attention to the cues of the next cycle getting started.

I have to know and understand the triggers.

Understanding his fetishes, know what they are gives me the hands on tools to turn the kink on him.

I have a hard copy list of his fetishes. I had him write them down and I have added things I notice to the list. This gives me the ability to see “inside his head” a bit and gives me a platform to work from when I know the cycling is getting out of hand.

Being able to know what it is he craves allows me to consider each fetish and determine a way I can put them in pay that works for me, so I don’t end up feeling like I am being used by the junkie to get his fix.

I become the dealer who can outsmart and override the dealer inside his own body.

Why do I do this? It goes beyond the fact I am in love with the man.

In the process of understanding his nature, I have learned a few things about myself and why I have the need to help him. I have my own addiction to internal chemicals.

So stick around folks……the next episodic tale from the Suburban Domme will be the Suburban Domme coming clean…about her own search for a jacked joy juice high.

My side of the “joy juiced junkie here:

https://thesuburbandomme.com/2012/02/19/why-bother/

More discussion on this topic in the comments section here:

https://thesuburbandomme.com/2013/03/28/shes-so-vanilla-take-two/

 

 

 

 

A peek into the mind of the man who mused me into this post:

 

https://thesuburbandomme.com/category/the-suburban-submissive/

 

6 Comments
  1. Put him in a chastity belt for 3 months, maybe six…he is ready!
    No matter how much he cries and pleads, do not take it off!
    Your life will change for the better, in ways you have never imagined!

    Like

  2. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS,I LOVE A MAN THAT IS LIKE YOUR HUSBAND,WE ARE TO BE MARRIED,IT CAN NOT STOP MY LOVE,LIKE YOU I WANT TO HELP HIM,HE IS SO GOOD TO ME I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT BOTH OF US LOVE EACH OTHER,I WILL TAKE THIS JOURNEY WITH HIM,I KN OW I MUST BE GETTING SOMETHING OUT OF IT AS WELL,I CAN NOT LEAVE HIM,I WOULDN’T.

    Like

  3. Ryan permalink

    I think its awesome you payed that much attention to the man you loved to figure out what made him tick. That is very rare. It is very clear how much love you have for him.

    Like

    • Hi Ryan, welcome.

      Thank you for the kind words and yes…I am fond of this kinky man 😉

      Finding the answers mattered to because even as hard as it was on me……it wasn’t a lot easier on him to struggle trying to find a way to control all of it and not let it pull us apart.

      Like

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The Suburban Domme

The Suburban Domme Living with a (semi) submissive man

O Miss Pearl

Non-professional perspective femdom & kink with awesome erotica.

Elene Sallinger

Award winning author of Awakening

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