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Why bother?

by on February 19, 2012

Since I have established friendships inside the FemDom and BDSM world…I have had some ask me why I kept trying to find ways to adapt to my husband’s kinky nature. Some have told me there is no way they would put up with the bullshit games and hoops I have had to jump thru to make the D/s lifestyle work in my marriage.

My need to make this part of our life work…… is directly connected to my own need for the “jacked up joy juice high”.

The very chemicals my husband craves and gets from kink related activities are the same ones I crave, I just have a different method of getting these chemicals coursing thru my limbic system.

I am a “nester and a nurturer”. I crave it the same way my husband craves kink.

I love the feeling I get when I can do something that makes another person’s life better. I get a rush from it, my joy juices levels go off the charts when I know I have done something that brought pleasure and a feeling of well-being, contentment to another person.

I am not a “please others at any cost type” personality.

I’m not altruistic, I’m not Mother Teresa.

The craving to nest and nurture others does not make me a doormat. I do have my limits and I know when to cut my losses and walk away. I will not let another person bleed me dry; drain me emotionally, before I say “DONE”.

There has to be something in it for me. I have to feel like my caring, time and effort have some kind of value to the person I have offered help. I need to know they are willing to do their own gut work to make life better for themselves and the ones around them.

I don’t need or want applause and acknowledgement for what I do………,in fact, it makes me very uncomfortable. I am only doing what comes naturally to me and I do what I do for selfish reasons.

I do what I do because I am looking for my own “joy juice high”.

I have my own pre-set parameters for “how” I need to go about nurturing to get my own high.

There have to be some redeeming qualities visible in the person I am nurturing or I won’t keep trying. I am pragmatic to the point of being seen as cold-hearted when it comes to whom and how I choose to nurture. Fact is some people don’t want “real help.”

They want others to fuss over them, nurture them but they don’t want others to hold them accountable for their self-destructive actions or hold them accountable for the damage they do to others.

I have no tolerance for this type of person and the instant I clue into the fact someone is like this…I’m out. I won’t waste my time on someone who won’t put forth the same effort they want from me. I don’t expect more from others then I expect of myself but I do expect as much from them as I do from myself.

There are lines in the sand and lines I expect to be toed if I am going to keep putting myself out there for someone.

Even as focused as I can be, as selfish as I can be with whom I offer this part of my nature, I am not invincible.

I am not immune to my own obsessive need to see the ones in my world…….who are my world……… happy, safe and content.

My need to make those people feel nurtured and secure can leave me blind to them deleterious manipulating and taking advantage of this part of my nature.

I ended up incorporating a D/s-BDSM lifestyle into my marriage because of my need to nurture the kink beast inside my husband.

The highs I get from FemDom and BDSM are not connected to sexual rush……my rush is directly connected to the pleasure, well-being and security he derives from me taking the kink and making it work.

Knowing what I did, that what I have done, be it caning him until the red marks blur into each other, some intense form of cbt or something as simple as locking him up in cb6000, brought about all that for him, brings the same things to me.

My husband and I are both “joy juice junkies.

We reach the same self-nourishing moments; we use each other to feed the jones for a higher joy juice high……… we just get there by different methods.

These things are very much psychological but they are also very much physiological.

The need to feed this internal craving when shared with someone you can trust entirely, with your body and your mind, to help you get there can bring about highs that are ethereal.

There is also an inherent danger in two junkies using each other to get high……a very real danger of harmful manipulation, psychological damage if the search becomes lopsided. Even in the best of relationships, one partner can easily become the victim of the other.

Maintaining a balance, making sure the relationship is symbiotic, not parasitic……….. is vital.

When that balance tips, life becomes disorienting, frightening, security is lost and the toll taken on the partner who becomes the victim of the imbalance is horrendous.

The balance can shift without the partners being aware until damage is done.

They become cohorts in the damage of each other, unaware and unintentionally until one of the partners mentally breaks.

Here, at or place, we are both guilty of pushing the other person to the breaking point.

We have hit this point here…more times then I care to think about but somehow we have always managed to get the balance back before we toppled into a hell of our own making and a hell we could not get out of.

This blog is part of my “need to nurture others”.

Telling our story, how we have managed to take the fear out of  his fetish urges and craving for BDSM and managed to learn how to get things back in balance when they tip is me rummaging thru my head trying to get my own internal chemical addition higher.

  1. Excellent! Sharing with my life who sounds eerily similar to how to seem to be. She’s a nester and nurturer. She’s even a redhead. She’ll love this.


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