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She’s so vanilla: Take one

by on March 16, 2013

A common statement made by men whose partner’s won’t play FemDom/BDSM games.

I’m trying to figure out why this segment of men seems to think they have cause for dubbing their partners “vanilla”.

Let’s call a spade a spade:

They have dubbed their partner “vanilla” because their partner isn’t into their particular kink. Some of these men see calling her vanilla as a free pass to justify doing things they KNOW their partner would not approve of…because if she wasn’t “so vanilla” he wouldn’t have to go looking outside the relationship with her to get some “not vanilla” thrills.

I detest the word vanilla when it is attached to sexual nature.

It draws a line in the sand and turn couples’ sex into a battle ground

 –you against me–

cage match set up.

In my book, there’s no such thing AS vanilla….just different ways to kink.

One thing that infuriated me when I first started looking for info on FemDom and BDSM…..a theme that tends to be constant….that kinky is only kinky when it fits into a certain set of parameters and if it doesn’t fit into the set parameters…then it HAS TO BE LABELED VANILLA.

If you don’t “Alternative lifestyle kink”…then you are a “nilla”.

BUT…guess what….. the parameters are as liquid and slippery as lube.

Everyone has their own ideal ideas of what the parameters should be.

Guy number two has no interest in BDSM type play……

He’s not into anything that would fit into this world when people start swapping stories about kink adventures……in fact stories about FemDom/BDSM kink confound him and put him off. He doesn’t begrudge the ones who want to play BDSM games the right to do so…he just doesn’t want to be part of it.

That would make him vanilla, right?

Not in my book….he’s got kinks…..things he needs …….things he wants…….to get his own horny hormones juiced……  just not FemDom or BDSM related needs/wants.

In my book:

Kinks are things we need to get the horny hormones coursing thru our veins.

If you need something to get there……..that “need” is a kink. Even things we like to have ………but can get there without it……fall into the kink category. If we get that “want” thrown in it intensifies the sexual experience.

The fact a woman doesn’t express an interest in BDSM styled sexual encounters doesn’t make her vanilla it just means HER KINK isn’t BDSM kink.

I said this to a guy one time and he said

“No she is vanilla—the only way she wants to have sex with me is with the lights off and me on top.”

I said


I asked him what it took to get her interested in sex…and after the standard answers trying  to bullshit his way around  really answering the question…he admitted he had no idea what turned her on.

He had no idea what HER kinks were…and what’s REALLY SAD….they’d been married for a few years and had dated a couple before they got married…he just hadn’t bothered to pay attention to her needs but he felt like he was being short-changed by the fact she was “so vanilla”.

You say she’s to vanilla and your aren’t getting what you need out of the sex life you two have…

Guess what buddy….

I’m guessing she’s telling her girlfriends the same thing about your inability to get her where she wants to be when it comes to doing the two body bumpin’ boogie.

The thing is there’s no such thing as vanilla sex….but there is such a thing as a selfish obtuse sexual partner.

From → Amplifications

  1. Has the term “vanilla” always been around? The first time I came across it was when I was listening to that what the hell was the name of those books??? There were three of them, never made it through all of them…oh the shades of grey, How the hell did I forget that?? Every time I hear or read Vanilla I think of ice cream….


  2. We are back to that “label” stuff*grimace—-thinking I knew it would come back to bite*.

    I have spent this afternoon between phones and juggle the real world….trying to get a “vanilla as a label” post done.

    I have no idea where it originated a term for “non kinksters”.

    I’ve heard it used that way since the early 80’s…the first time I crossed the word as a term for “kinkless” was in some “Dear Penthouse” type erotica my husband had.

    And you aren’t the first one I’ve heard say they didn’t know it as a term for “non kinksters before they read the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy.

    And for the ice cream thought
    …………ME TOO!!! 🙂


Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Does it really matter if it is a red hot poker? | The Suburban Domme
  2. She’s so vanilla: Take Two | The Suburban Domme
  3. Nailing Jello to the wall….. | The Suburban Domme
  4. Not a warm fuzzy….. | The Suburban Domme

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