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Not a warm fuzzy…..

by on March 11, 2015

But what’s new?

These here Burbs……

Ain’t about…….warm and fuzzy.

You want warm and fuzzy…
I’ll loan you my cushy floor length V.S. robe and Bugs Bunny slippers to wear and a shot Jack to warm your tummy.

Welcome to the counter point cul de sac.
Note:
It’s not a tarp.
It’s not a dead end.
It is a circular drive.

You go out the same way you came in.

Sub titled

(no pun intended)

I can’t/won’t tell anyone how to do this…

but I can offer advice on how to avoid the

bad screwed up mistakes

he/we made

in the process

of finding our way to a happy medium.

I am pondering and pontificating at the end of the cul de sac this morning.

Coffee in hand, sitting on my front porch, watching day light break and trying to exorcise some demon contemplations without excoriating kinky men.

A “why not”….ponderering……. that won’t fly so well:

Why aren’t people encouraging men to learn to aspire to learn to not want what they want, be consistent about not wanting what they want……..learn that as their nature?

Yeah…hell of a way to start, Burb Lady.
I get frustrated when I bounce around the internet looking for information regarding female dominance, BDSM and having a chat with a partner about adding it to their shared sex life. I am no longer looking for answers, I’ve found mine. I am looking more to see what’s out there for other women who are trying to come to grips with having the idea brought to them by a partner.

It’s been a little over 11 years since I was on my own mission to find answers. There’s a better selection of information, no doubt.

Things are better.

But-but-but…

Alas yes…..so many buts.

The notion that if a woman will just aspire…….to try it and be consistent…… it will become a “natural” thing for her and she will “learn to enjoy it”…seems to be the prevalent theme.

I am always going to be baffled by this notion a woman should aspire to “learn to enjoy” something that isn’t part of her core nature. Why is it, she needs to be making all these changes so the guy can get his needs fulfilled?

What if her idea of FemDom doesn’t get him what he is after?

Then what?

Is she still supposed to aspire……to adapt and shift and change, be consistent in a manner that works for him?

Wondering out loud, talking to the universe and anyone who is standing nearby….thanks to a key board and the internet and a WP blog:
Are there are guys out there willing to own up to the fact there might not be 100% honesty in the

“It is all about you baby”

selling point of adding FemDom and all the bells and whistle of BDSM to the relationship?
Why is it so taboo to admit……it IS about sex and the sex life you share with your partner?
Yes I get that it is about more than just sex…but sex is a huge part of it. 

It is about being aroused by things you fantasize about……the things that get you aroused when you fantasize about sex.

Can you think about FemDom and not get sexually aroused?

Can you get sexually aroused without thinking about FemDom?

If it didn’t arouse you…would you be offering submission to her dominance? Would you be willing to be at her beck and call…if you weren’t getting some kind of sexually related endorphin rush out of it?
If there’s not a BDSM twist to it…the way you want it…. are you willing to forgo that and just “serve your Lady/Queen/Mistress/Domme or whatever title you want to bestow on her?

If you aren’t in it to have her be part of the process to get you where you want to be….why not just “do the submission thing” without suggesting she be involved in the process? If being submissive to her rocks your world, if you don’t need the actual dominant interaction…you grab the Nikes and just do it.

If you can’t there without the kink you crave….then why try to hide that fact? Why the need to be over selling and over romanticize the concept of “serving her…..because it is all about her”?

Are you ashamed of the way you feel? Are you afraid of what she will think of you if you admit this part of it?

Then you need to be doing some work on yourself and acceptance of yourself……..before you drop all this in her lap..then expect her to untangle a half honest idea dropped on her. …while she aspires…to learn to love it.

I can’t figure out why this kind of honesty is left out of the equation. Why do a soft shoe two-step around it…or romanticize the whole concept of FemDom?

If you aren’t totally honest with her….. about the sexual side ……of the idea you want her to be part of……
Isn’t this line of thought sort of like a bait and switch?

Something to keep in mind:

FemDom is about domination thru intensity……it isn’t a soft, cushy thing…it rough and tumble.

It is subjugation thru intensity and aggression via the use of kinky natures and kinky cravings.
FemDom isn’t soft and romantic. If you are asking her to add FemDom to the relationship you share….this is what you are asking for.

I can hear it now
“Just hold on there….. Burd Lady!

How much Jack did you pour in that coffee cup to get so delusional?

You have it all wrong!

That’s not what I am after!”

It’s not?
You don’t want her to use the things you read about, look at on line, fantasize about, things like punishment, being tied up, the spankings, the humiliation, ruined orgasms, being denied orgasm, golden showers, pegging or…..
*insert whatever your kinks interest is here___________________________________________*
on you “to train” you?

No…that’s not the point of what you want?

Then yep……I have it wrong……and feel free to close the blog and walk away now.

Still here?

If I haven’t pissed you off to the point there is blood spurting out your ears……

Stay with me…there is a method to this madness.

I sometimes wish there was a way to stop this kind of

“Try it you’ll like it, be persistent and consistent ladies and you will grow to love it”

and covert

“Guys…avoid being honest about what you really want, that it is about getting aroused”…….

promotion of the lifestyle dead in its tracks.

Note:
I said sometimes.

Even if it were possible…….

I wouldn’t be leading the charge, actually I’d be thwarting such a charge.

Censorship scares the holy hell out of me. I don’t want it to be stopped……..but I would like to see more of a balance in the information.

My frustration is born out of the need for balance for women who can’t find a way to get on board a train that is either getting away from her or is about to run over her..or back over her again.

It’s not out of an aspiration to stifle voices that don’t agree with me; voices that don’t fit my ideal ideas of the FemDom lifestyle.
Coming from a “what if” stance.

Addressing the “what if factor” to offer a counter balance to the “just try it, be consistent, you’ll like it” theme:
What if FemDom, BDSM doesn’t “do it” for her? What if she can’t adapt?

No matter how hard she tries…no matter how constant she is…she just can’t get on board with any of it or she wants on board……but is struggling  like crazy to get on board but can’t figure out how to get a foot hold?

Is it possible for couples like this…find a happy middle ground?

Yes… our place here in the Burbs is proof of that…..but there’s a lot to keep in mind in the process of getting to that middle ground.

It starts with being flat out honest.

No bait and switch stuff.

It starts with acknowledging someone is going to have to give more than the other…..someone is going to have to do more adapting and shifting and learning to “like it”…..and chances are strong……it will be the female…because it isn’t HER idea.

Address and recognize:

She is going to have to obtain/learn/adapt to…..

A new and possibly totally foreign ~it doesn’t feel normal ~philosophy about her life with her partner, a new set of thinking skills and applied sex rules/skills…and do all this with him possibly breathing down her neck to hop on it and get it done as quick as possible.

He’s got a kink he wants to happen as soon as the words pop out of his mouth…inviting her in……or worse……he has a laundry list of kinky wants to get in play.

Either way….he has waited a lifetime to have a real person to do them with and now that he has one…he wants it all……yesterday.

Are all men this way?
Nope…but there a bunch of them out there this way…and lucky me….I own one!!

So…here I am… offering….. a counter balance to the information, offering another perspective to consider.

A perspective of someone who is living it, thriving in it, but almost got crushed under the weight of “try it you like it” before she managed to climb out of the rubble that kept crashing down on her head. A rubble that was created by the man who asked her to consider the lifestyle….who wasn’t honest and figured out until he got honest….it wasn’t going to work…and he was going to crush me for good under the rubble he kept knocking loose on top of me.

Why did I put so much effort into attempting the lifestyle?

Because I love and adore…..the man who asked. His happiness has always mattered to me…sometimes at the risk of my own happiness. I have made stupid choice when it comes to him and his kink nature. Just as he gets stupid when he is horny, I get stupid when I want to see him happy.

Do I “love the lifestyle”?

No……I love him; I do this for him.

But with the middle ground we have found……I do enjoy what we do. To say I don’t “love it” is a little strong…but to say I love it…isn’t honest. The best way to put it…I am very happy…with the happy medium we have found thru a lot of talking and negotiation of how things will be and who has what responsibility for how the D/s will operate.

I still have days I struggle with what he has brought into our marriage. Even with a dominant personality I struggle with being dominant with FemDom/BDSM undertakings. I cannot even imagine trying to adapt to this if I’d had a submissive personality.

I have talk to women who are submissive, not just sexually, their personality is passive and the idea of stepping into the dominant position feel so uncomfortable they are dying on the inside but afraid to speak up out of fear of disappointing their partner and the ramification that come with speaking up. The ramifications of speaking up can range from just some minor aggravation to the he nightmare of the relationship crumbling. It’s all going to depend on how the partner who asked them to take the dominant role ……..reacts to her admitting……. it isn’t something she wants to be part of.

He knows and admits….

FemDom and not coming into it on my own, having the idea brought to me by him……..does make it all about him and his wants. It started with him……anything that gets added in the vein of BDSM and me being his Domme…IS all about him. He has to aspire to work with me to help me find a way to make whatever it is he is asking for….mesh with my own wants and needs.

His attempts to make me think it was all about me only complicated the matter. Once he stopped trying to play this game..things got MUCH better for both of us.

It was a rough go until we got to this point.

I don’t deal well with people trying to snow me into letting them have their way. I was being snowed by someone who knew what buttons to push and how to manipulate me at my most vulnerable level. He knows how I hate this…but he was willing to ignore something I despise…and do it anyway…because he felt I would do better if he wasn’t honest. Sad to say…he got this information from a book that is out there on how to convince a wife to be the Domme. I had a copy..had being the operative. It was set on fire along with many others on “how to be a Domme” one night when I melted down over his pushing me to get more out of me.

This game of “don’t be honest about the fact this is about sex and arousal” had me feeling like I was losing my mind.

I would point out how there was nothing in this for me, it was a lot of work for me to make the reaches he kept expecting from me….……and he would counter with:
“If you just keep trying and stay consistent with it…you will find things in it for yourself, but you have to keep trying and keeping pushing me and digging deep to get there, to find something for yourself.”

Really…

So….

You want me to dig thru your horse shit to find myself a pony?

OHHHHH lucky me!!!
Then there was the:

“Take what I suggest and make it about what you want.”

But when I did this……if he didn’t like the way I made it about me……the downward spiral started. His mood would change, he would get reclusive. The problem was in the fact…to make it about me……I had to toss his wants out the window.

Will I ever “love the lifestyle” will it ever “feel natural”?

I doubt it.

It’s just not something in my core nature.

It is always going to be something I have to work to get in motion.

No matter how persevering and consistent I am, it will always be a reach for me. A lot of the  FemDom between us… is rote now days.

I have (willingly) conditioned myself to follow thru……. but there are days my core being revolts and screams
“NO! Not today, it time for a break from all this to be who I am at my core!”

If he isn’t willing to let me have this time….for me…without getting upset because I am not in the mood to play Domme, things aren’t going to end well for either one of us. It took him a long time to learn he had to give me my own space without his BDSM needs in that space. I needed him to “just be” with me…as my husband and friend…not as a “submissive” or as someone who was jonesing for kink.

This wasn’t easy for HIM to adapt to…but considering all the things I was doing for him….

It was the least he could do for me.

Respecting my need to drop kick the FemDom/BDSM way out of our life and sex life on occasion….wasn’t an easy thing for him to adapt to.

He had to reach, he had to adapt…and no he doesn’t love it when this happens.

He assumed once it started……there would be no “down time” our life all around…… would be ruled by D/s and BDSM.

He would always fail to see( preferred  to ignore?):

I was the one doing the adapting and changing and shifting. I was having to find ways to eke out what I needed, find ways to make my wants and needs mesh with the demands that go with being the BDSM dominant in the relationship and at times my needs didn’t have anything to do with his BDSM wants…things he wanted to get motivated to interact with me on a sexual level.

Sometimes I just flat out need a break from his kinks. I still need our sex life and him engaging with me at these times.

We run at about a 70/30 ratio……when it comes to how much D/s there is in our life…meaning we run about 30% of the time….without his kinks in play. We still have a sex life it is just a sex life defined by MY kink, kinks that aren’t BDSM driven.

Just because we are running without his FemDom/BDSM in play…

Doesn’t mean we are firing on vanilla cylinders.

More on that here:
https://thesuburbandomme.com/2013/03/16/shes-so-vanilla/
https://thesuburbandomme.com/2013/03/28/shes-so-vanilla-take-two/

So why is working at our place now days, how did we find a happy medium?

Why am I now days…willing to condition myself to something that is never going to be natural for me?

He got honest.

He got real about the fact he is asking me to change for him.

He now admits this is all about him. I don’t feel like I am being played.

He speaks frankly now days about his wants.

He doesn’t try to make me think what he wants is all about me. He tells me what he has an interest in and he lets me do it my way.

He is at the point of hearing:
I can’t do it that way…but I can do it this way.

And sometimes hearing:

That…..that I can’t do that at all.

And accepting it as fact.

He longer expects me to keep trying things that don’t work for me…things that no matter how consistent I am…….I am never going to learn to enjoy them.

He has learned to accept what I offer him and be happy with what he has instead of spending a lot of time wishing/antagonizing getting more.

He has learned that when I say I need down time…….I need to get away from his kinks for while…to back off gracefully and let me have my time and to meet my kink needs without expecting his be in play. He even plans “his kinks not in the picture” time for us now.

He plans get-aways that are about us reconnecting on personal and sexual levels without his BDSM kinks involved. He spends this time…..doing exactly what he is asking of me….when his kinks are in play…….with my kinks.

He doesn’t think of this time as “vanilla” or a time of no kink…he thinks of this as doing what he kept telling me he could do…….be submissive and be at my beck and call to serve my every want and need.

He proves to me in times like this…

He can do exactly what he asked me to do:

Aspire, adapt,shift and change.

8 Comments
  1. cagedlion1 permalink

    Your post addresses something that we have been working on for a year now. My wife is still struggling with what level of activity works best for her. We have no illusions that this is for her benefit. She is doing it because she loves me and wants me to be happy. About half the time we are not in femdom mode. She isn’t dominant by nature, but she learns quickly.

    I have a thirty year history in the leather community. Most of that time as a top. I understand how difficult it is to do what I am asking. I also realize that it isn’t our lives, just something that reaches deep into me and provides happiness. It is, of course, about sex. It is a struggle for us both but we are making good progress. What is particularly interesting to me is that while she doesn’t get direct pleasure from topping me, she says that what we are doing has improved our marriage and intimacy. She doesn’t want to stop.

    I get the same sort of comments and emails you do from guys who obsess over the sexual fantasy. It is my hope that by writing about the reality of a D/S relationship, both the men and women will find a way to make it work for themselves.

    Like

    • Welcome to the Burb’s.

      It’s good to find another voice out there stomping the same soap box I am on and the fact it is a male voice who is being honest about the theme makes it that much better.

      I’ve found women who aren’t shined on about “what” is really going on and left to their own devices with just a little help from the partner…….. do quite well in the lifestyle. But they have to be able to take what they want and leave what they don’t want and they can’t have a partner who is constantly trying to micromanage the kink and the dominant.

      I understand absolutely what your wife says about the relationship and communication being better.
      If it’s like us…you’ve had to learn a new way to talk with each other and have to be able to take the frank and blunt as well as dish it (sometimes it is harder to be blunt…..then give blunt)…to get to the point the relationship is thriving with any kink in play.

      Once he stopped blowing the

      “But baby……this is all about you”

      sunshine up my skirt…and started owning up to what was really going on…..

      I stopped feeling like I was crazy and the problems were all mine ……..because I sure as hell wasn’t have a lot of fun with this stuff……… that was “all about me”.

      I can deal with anything he tosses my way…as long as he is honest. As crazy as his kinks can make me…I have no desire to stop the way we live our life with his kinks in play…as long as he stays honest and let me have my down time…..we’ll be fine.

      There are times….
      I find myself looking at the sky mouthing:

      “OMG can I have just ONE bolt of lightning to throw……
      Just this one time…..
      At this bonehead who has what he wants…if he will JUST get out of his wife’s way and let her have the power he keeps telling her she has and admit he is all about his dick before he is all about her?”

      Because far too many times…

      I have opened an email to find a guy saying something the effect of:

      “She tried and then she quite” and as I read….it becomes obvious…….she did try…
      ~RIGHT~ up until he pushed her into an ugly crash and burn flame out……trying to get her to live up to the porn fantasy in his head as he was chanting “but it is all about you baby!!”

      And then he wants to know how to get things “back on track.”

      *shaking head so hard ears start to ring*

      Good to have you here in the burbs, cagedlion.
      Thanks for chiming in, I think we could both use the support if we can’t get our hands on some lighting bolts.

      Like

      • Oh for Pete’s sake..I have Monssieur Notasub yammering in my ear here about lost head phones.I didn’t know it was my day to keep up with his crap.

        Edit…so to speak…..
        (sometimes it is harder to be blunt…..then give blunt)

        Make that…
        Sometimes it harder to be blunt with our partner……then it is to take blunt ……..from our partner.

        Like

  2. Bob permalink

    Thank you so much for posting this, for digging into the subject of a FLR in such a straightforward, level-headed way.

    I am a male with strong longings to explore female dominance. At the same time, I recognize the core contradiction in these desires: the woman I love seems to have no such inclinations. And if she’s not interested, she is not and would not be dominant in exploring my fantasies with me. I would be indulging myself at the expense of her discomfort, which would seem to be a kind of bogus submissiveness and worse; if she wasn’t getting off on it too, I might feel like an oversexed bully.

    I don’t mean to imply anything about your husband. I have no business judging him; I commend him for the courage it took to put his desires in front of you. I am highly unlikely to do the same with my lover. But in wandering down the same road he has barged onto head-first, I have arrived at a kind of compromise I believe you hinted at in this posting: I engage in a one-man play of submissiveness by being as good as I can be to her, as often as possible, on terms I know she favors.

    I resist my impulse to interrupt every time she starts her second sentence; I look her in the eye and smile and truly listen. I bring her flowers when I’ve hurt her feelings, and I bring her larger bunches when I haven’t. I spent three hours cleaning her kitchen one Sunday morning when I could no longer stand the disarray, just in advance of her 9-year-old daughter’s birthday party.

    Before I did, I took her in my arms and told her tenderly that I meant no offense in doing this, that my desire to help was not a comment on her skills as a housekeeper; that I would not lift a Windex-wielding finger if she didn’t want me to. She accepted my offer with grace and gratitude; the next day she posted on her FB page that “there is nothing sexier than seeing a man mop your kitchen floor.”

    Almost nothing. I also indulge my kinky inclinations by going down on her until my neck hurts too much to continue. After about an hour, I invite her to ride my face until my lips and tongue are worn out. It takes a damn long time to reach the limit of my desire to make her feel ecstatically, giddily good. I love every lewd moment along the way, and I’m damn sure she does too.

    And I think these days that’s more than good enough. I’m no one’s idea of a saint: I can be moody and distant at times; I struggle with depression, and she struggles too, when I drop out of touch, when i get snippy. But I am enjoying this little private experiment in submissiveness that I am trying to gear to her wants, her needs; to express in a range of incidental actions and gestures that make her feel better about herself — and about being with me. I’m trying to see submission in terms of empathy and unselfishness, and testing my personal limits for that kind of thing.

    I don’t think she has any idea what’s lurking in back of my behavior. I think she just loves me and how we are together, and I love her and love it too.

    Like

    • Welcome to the Burbs, Bob.

      Thanks much for speaking up as one of the guys who can and does grasp the message I was on my soap box about here.

      My husband spends more time in that “one man play” then he would like……. but he knows we have to make choices in life and the choices don’t always result in “fun” if we are making the choices responsibly.

      Kudos to you for being able to do so with this choice.. and following thru with the effort…and with gusto it would seem.

      Your Lady is right…men who mop floors and watching them mop…….sexy, sexy sexy!!!!!

      Like

  3. jgarveyrose permalink

    Well, I love Bugs Bunny. If u have some nice bourbon I’d prefer that to Jack.

    I’ve come to realize that certain of things happen only in my imagination, and that’s OK.

    Love your humor. Thanks for sharing.

    Like

    • Welcome to my part of the Burbs, J.

      Glad you enjoyed the blog post.

      Just so happens…I have a bottle of Knob Creek single barrel…but I only bring that out for good company.

      Considering you got the gist of the post…I’ll consider you good company. 😉

      Like

  4. jgarveyrose permalink

    Knob Creek! Yummy. I’m in the heart of the land of bourbon. 😉

    Like

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