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Stepping out on the tight-rope.

by on May 1, 2013

Serendipity is going nuts over the fact the blog is sitting posting dormant because of her health issues, so doing my best “Mighty Mouse” impression: Here I am to save the day. This is a combination of addressing the Q&A session with Mrs. Fever and coming clean about my misguided notions about what I was doing when I brought up the idea of adding “FemDom” and D/s to our marriage.



I am going to give each response to Mrs. Fever its own post. These things thought/asked by Mrs. Fever are things Serendipity and I used to argue about often.  Used to argue about, we no longer argue about these subjects, but they can still stir some pretty heated debate.  Being frank, they aren’t question I want to answer because they point directly to how selfish I can be when it comes to my own fetish nature. Yes this makes me uncomfortable but not for the reasons one might think. I don’t enjoy being in the hot seat because I don’t like the feeling of convictions that come with where I am right now. As uncomfortable as that is, what is the most disconcerting part of answering the questions is in knowing my answers are ones that should have been the things I was thinking about before I started asking for the things I asked for. I still have a hard time dealing with what I put Serendipity through to get what I wanted and I will always worry that someday, even as good as things are now, I worry some day she will hit that one wall she can’t get over and she will walk away from me. I worry all the good she sees in me as her husband won’t be enough to overcome the negatives that my kink nature has brought into our marriage. I will for the rest of my life with her, be trying to make up for the damage I have done in the past.



This is type of honesty is always much harder than I imagine. I thought I could boil my answers down to specifics. My need to be succinct and efficient when writing always gets disoriented when I am quizzed by women about my kink nature. Not because of the gender factor or a “horny” factor” it happens because women tend to go to the heart of the matter faster and shoot holes in my standard philosophies on kink. One of the hardest things I had to deal with was when I gave up surfing sites that had more men than women discussing kink. I had a habit of cherry picking sites to show her; I would only pick what  worked in my favor, I only sent her info that would help me get what I wanted. I did tend to look for sites that are “guy getting it his way-angled” in discussions about kink that were more about patting each other on the back and bragging about their own accomplishments for how they got a wife to go along with their ideal ideas of D/s, I wanted other guys to tell me how they got their wife to let them have their way. No way around it, what I said comes across as sexist or as in an “us against them” (women against men) comment. Sometimes it is that way when looking for information on how to introduce a partner.



I did avoid sites that didn’t play into my own ideal idea of what I wanted.  All the internal thinking and self-assessment I have done over my own kink and what they do to us as a couple has been brought on mostly by what women had to say about kink and have said directly to me about kink.  My comfort zone in the past was to keep my head down and let Serendipity calm down and hope in that calm the questions would stop and she would just go ahead and do it my way. Once she found other women who were dealing with men like me, the calm was gone for good and she turned the tables on me. That’s the best thing that ever happened in relation to my kink nature and what it was doing to us as a couple. I know Serendipity isn’t real big on the idea of telling people “how” to do this, but I am going to stay right out, if you want to do this with the least amount of grief, look for women who understand kink, D/s and FemDom and what it takes for them, the woman,  to be able to be an active happy  part of a relationship to get the best advice about how to bring the topic up with your wife and don’t be surprised when you hear them saying the same things to you your own wife is saying and get a clue:

There’s a reason you are hearing the same thing from other women that you hear from your wife. Of all the things I know now days I wish I had known back 12-15 years ago when the idea of adding this to our life started forming as an idea:

Based on my own experience of letting men influence what I thought FemDom is about, most men don’t know squat about FemDom or what women need or want when it comes to being a FemDom participant.



Men only know what they want it to be like and I say this as a man who wanted my wife to just accept my way as fact and do it my way, but make it all seem like it was her idea, like what I wanted was exactly what she wanted also. I didn’t know squat  about what women really thought about any of this until I got throw into Lionesses den, a den full of women who did know exactly what they wanted and they took my wife under their wings. That’s when I really got a clue I didn’t know squat and I am lucky I didn’t blow my marriage up to the point it couldn’t be pieced by together by the last person who should have been doing it: My wife.



Off the pulpit and back to why I am here as Mighty Mouse: This is my fourth attempt at trying to answer the questions, it will be my last, what gets typed in the next hours/days is going to be posted, in sequence, as time and alligators permit. Loin girded again as I step out on the tight rope in the typhoon.

Mrs. Fever said:


Let’s dissect this, shall we?

And Monssieur Notasub replies with a submissive nod… “We shall.”

Corrosive mood-killer for horny = Thinking in a logical, intellectual manner and discussing the realistic logistics of the fantasy.

Constantly aroused headspace = NOT THINKING space.

So the way I’m interpreting these words = “I want to live in fantasyland and not deal with the reality of the situation.”

/end quote



I, Monssieur Notasub, nodding as I reply:

If I had a dollar for every time Serendipity yelled the last few words of the above quote at me over all these years we have been dealing with my kinky nature, I’d probably have a couple of thousand dollars stuffed under the mattress. You didn’t interpret what I was saying wrong. The biggest appeal my kinks have is in the fact they keep me in that aroused state that I crave. Everything I request from her that has to do with sex has some kind of kink attached to it and I use that kink aspect to get the arousal. I have been this way all my life, as far back as I can remember. I have sexualized things that I didn’t want to deal with. Needless to say at some point I had to come around to being realistic about the circumstances and deal with them in a real world manner, unless it had to do with her and my kinks. And this is where things get fuzzy. It is where I have the hardest time finding words that are succinct and efficient.



As I have said, I never expected her to follow through with the cucking fetish.  Once she did, I couldn’t allow my feelings that would get in the way of getting what I wanted to surface.  What would get in the way would be admitting I got exactly what I asked for I just didn’t get it my way. Being honest about that allowed resentment and anger I didn’t know (think) I had to surface. I never considered if she did follow through I would feel any jealousy, resentment or anger over the other relationship. I didn’t think that far ahead because all I could think about was how good all the “kink feelings” that came with the idea felt. I do this with all my kink wants, not just the cucking. There’s a lot of “delusional diffusion” that goes with accepting the fact I didn’t get what I wanted but did get what I asked for. It is the circle in circles thing Serendipity talks about.

Clarification of “my way”:

“My way” would have put me in control as the director and I would direct her to do it my way but make it look like my way was her idea. I was used to her taking my kink hints and just doing what I asked, allowing me to direct without admitting I was directing. I was spoiled and coddled by her up to the point she did bring another man into our relationship. If there was blatant point where she stopped doing it my way and did it her way in doing what I asked her to do with my kink urges, it would be when she added another man to the relationship between us. (Circles in circles, I know.) Chastity play didn’t turn out to be what I thought it would be. Rather than think about how it isn’t what I wanted, I take whatever it is she offers me and turn it into a fantasy of how it would be if she had done it my way. That keeps the dissatisfaction and anger of not getting it my way from surfacing.



I’m not trying to validate or defend how I do what I do; I am trying to explain why I do what I do. I could throw a surreptitious blanket over what I do and say I do it this way to save her the grief of dealing with what kind of a jerk I can be when my kinks are ruling my thought process (and that’s about 99.9% of the time). Truth is the dissatisfaction and anger of not getting it my way, gets in the way of me enjoying what I do get, so I do this more for my benefit then I do for hers. She knows all this and has told me as long as me doing this won’t prevent me from getting out of that frame of mind when we need to deal with the real world issues my kinks cause between us, it is something she can deal with.


The most important thing to her is that I be honest about why I do what I do so she isn’t blindsided by my actions that won’t match up with my words.



Truth is overall, I didn’t anticipate having any negative feelings if I could just get a little of what I was asking for. I’d been getting a lot of what I asked for all along, I was so busy worrying about not getting all of it to see what I was getting and when she hit me right in the face with something that was an adamant “no not going to happen” for some many years (the cucking) I had a whole lot of feelings surface that I didn’t even consider were possible for me to have. And the biggest one to come to terms with was the fact I got what I asked for and I had no control over how I got it, after years of telling her she could do it her way if she would only do it. I will always have to work to make sure my negative feelings about this don’t end up punishing her for doing exactly what I told her she could do. My way to avoid that is to live in that fantasy land until I am yanked out by the cyber shirt collar by  my wife or one of the women who knows my wife.



I’m not sure how much this answer will help. It took us years to get to this point, where we, as a couple, found some understanding that allowed us to be able to discuss just this part of my kink nature and not have it turn into a war, the war always started by me being defensive and not wanting to confront and deal with what my kink nature did to us as a couple.  I would imagine as much as Mrs. Fever seems to be like my wife, this won’t be an answer as much as it will be a spring-board for more questions. (And that is typed with a grin and a nod of “I understand exactly what I got myself into.” )

  1. EleneSallinger permalink

    It’s always hard to reconcile the actuality of something with the fantasy. For me personally, I rarely the find the two to match. I have had lots of experience with getting what I asked for rather than what I wanted.

    It’s a testament to the bond between you and your wife that you continue to come together and truly deal with all of this. That’s the core of love.

    All the best,



    • Elene, thank you, I consider myself exceedingly lucky for the bond and for the love she has with me.

      It’s always hard to reconcile the actuality of something with the fantasy. For me personally, I rarely the find the two to match. I have had lots of experience with getting what I asked for rather than what I wanted.
      /end quote

      Sometimes, it is a hard lesson to learn and harder to accept.


  2. “The biggest appeal my kinks have is in the fact they keep me in that aroused state that I crave.”

    WHY do you feel the need to be in an aroused state 24/7? Perhaps *that* would be helpful to understand.

    “I never considered if she did follow through I would feel any jealousy, resentment or anger over the other relationship. I didn’t think that far ahead because all I could think about was how good all the “kink feelings” that came with the idea felt.”

    It never occurred to you, but you can be damned sure it occurred to HER.


    Speaking from my own experience…

    It is incredibly difficult to deal with a partner who wants to remain in a fantasy state and not face the reality and/or possible consequences in a proactive manner. Because once he comes out of his “lizard brain” (mouse brain?) state, the stark contrast of what he *thought* he wanted ~ compared to what he’s getting, via what *she* wants ~ tends to act like a knock-out punch. And it’s very, very, veryveryvery difficult (read: goddamned fucking annoying and hell) to deal with the “down” afterward. And it can easily create defensiveness and animosity on the part of *both* partners.

    HER: What? You *said* this is what you wanted. I did it! And now you don’t like it. But you wouldn’t talk to me about the reality of it (IT being cucking or any other kinkery) ahead of time, so you have no right to be upset about the way it turned out.

    HIM: Why did you do that? I never actually thought you would! -OR- Why did you do it that way? How come you didn’t do it this way? I mean, I know I said I wanted it, but how come you didn’t do it the way I imagined you would?

    HER: Don’t try to make me feel guilty about this! YOU wanted it!

    HIM: Don’t try to make me feel guilty for wanting this! I wanted it MY way!

    HER: Well, you won’t *talk* to me!

    HIM: You don’t *understand* me!

    And the wheels on the bus go round and round…




    I *know* I’m not telling you anything you’re not already aware of.


    What I would like to know ~ from your perspective, Monssieur Mouse ~ is what it takes to get a man out of Fantasyland in order to engage in productive, proactive discussion. Because when it comes to resentment, prevention is the best medicine.

    And speaking of medicine… Hugs to Dipity. Hope she is feeling better soon. (And I’d tell you to kiss her feet, but I know she hates that. 😉 )


  3. It never ceases to amaze me how the “discussions” the overall dialogue between couples about the kinky parts of one or the other can read the same. The example you have here of the “she said/he said” sounds like many of the often heated discussions that took place between us over my kinks. I never know when I encounter this, if I should be relieved that other couples struggle the same way or if I should be more ashamed of the fact I didn’t catch on sooner to the fact I was pushing her buttons and limits. That may be another subject for another post.

    And again, we have the uncanny melding of minds between my wife and the women who live and love with men like me. I am answering another question posed by another woman after it has already been asked so many times I have lost count, from the woman I live and love with.
    Why do I want to stay in an aroused state all the time? Simple answer: Because it feels good. That arousal takes the edge off the mundane lunacy I have to wade through every day to keep the wheels on the bus going round and round. That answer in some form has sent Serendipity out the front door, slamming it behind her, on more than one occasion.

    Another subject for another post, I reckon. I didn’t set out to become a blogger but looks like I was lead right to the spot unaware because I was too busy being aroused by the fact she was “ordering” me to do something for her. (Interpreted: She respectfully asked me if I would mind helping out and my kinked up brain turned it into a demand from my Domme, so she forced me and I had no choice.)
    What does it take to get a man out of that fantasy land so you can have a conversation that isn’t laced with the kink drama? My best answer, not a great answer, but it is all I have: Have other women get him by the shirt collar, it’s what worked for Serendipity.

    I’m not proud of it but it is the best advice I have for this. It took other women saying the same things to me that she had been saying all along before I started thinking inside my big head about what she was trying to get me to understand.

    There’s something very sobering about reading the words of your partner (in my case, sometimes almost word for word,) in the opinions of another person who is trying get some sensible thinking going on inside the big head.

    Hugs were passed on, she says “Thank You!”. She has an appointment with one of her doctors this afternoon to try again to get the phram situation sorted out. Fingers crossed they get a resolution today, because she’s pain free but miserable still. The ironies in life are more wild then just life some days. She said herself last night, she got what she asked for it just didn’t turn out the way she expected.


    • Well, in case other women are reading this and might find it helpful, I will state for the record what works for me. Erm, make that Me.

      He is not allowed to talk fantasy while we are playing. I am aware that talking about his fantasies gets him aroused, and that’s fine. But he’s not allowed to touch me, pet me, kiss me when he’s talking about it. These discussions do not take place ~ in ANY form ~ during any part of play. Because I’ve learned that when the physical interaction is removed from the discussion, it *forces* him to think before he speaks. It *forces* him to answer questions in a more rational headspace. Yes, he gets jacked up when we’re talking. But showing me he can *think* and *discuss* in a *logical* manner gets him rewarded.



      When we are fucking, if he opens his mouth about:

      wanting to see me fuck another man
      wishing I was sucking another cock right that moment, with him inside me
      his dick being where another man’s WANTS to be

      (There are more, but I think you get the picture.)

      If he starts in on any of that WHILE he’s fucking me, and was not given permission ahead of time to do so?

      I. Stop. Moving.

      I give him my coldest, most acidic voice.

      I say, “Do you really want me to think about __________ (insert lover’s name here) while you are fucking me? Because I will. I will pretend your cock his his. In my mind I will be fucking HIM. And you will be no more than a means to an end.”

      And for whatever reason that acts like a bucket of ice water on his overheated hormonal delusions, and he comes back to himself, and realizes that HE is fucking me. And that HE wants to fuck me. And that HE wants ME to know it is HIM.


      Seriously, TMI.

      And not anything I would normally share openly. But other women read this blog, and it might make a difference for them. So there it is, for what it’s worth.


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