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I didn’t change….

by on January 31, 2014

I adapted.

For all the ones who keep asking Monssieurnotasub “how” he changed me…he didn’t.

I have always been a dominant women and sexually aggressive. I just didn’t have the desire to have a BDSM aspect to my own sexual nature.

I have always felt the inborn state of a dominant and aggressive personality is why I managed to adapt to his pushing me toward a sex life with BDSM mixed in. The BDSM doesn’t arouse me…never will.

I am still aroused by the things that aroused me before we added the plethora of BDSM activity …adding the BDSM didn’t add to nor enhance my interest or arousal in sex with him. I am aroused by the chase and the challenge of/ struggle to subdue… be honest I can lose interest PDQ once the man is subjugated.

For us to incorporate the BDSM into our sex life….since I’m not aroused by the BDSM activities….. I had to come up with ways to keep my head in the game with him. He knows full well when I switch to the BDSM Domme I am doing it for him.

This doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy what I do with/to/for him.


I do—I have a great time seeing him get aroused and knowing I am the reason he is aroused. This was there before I grab a crop and a title. I don’t have to be aroused by what I am doing to enjoy his reactions. It is his reaction that arouses me……and keeps me in the game.

In many ways this makes me a “service top”…..a ~not so well thought of at times~ player in the BDSM spectrum. I don’t mind being a service top…as long as that fact is on the table, not something that is being avoided to make it feel more “real” for him.

A service top…….is just what it sounds like:
 I service his urge to be topped—dominated.

I am more “Domme” in our marriage away from the BDSM aspect then I am in it.

My dominant nature has been a driving force in our marriage from the start.

We have been a female led relationship from the start because he has always be willing to step back and let me lead. He’s not the least bit a shrinking violet or milquetoastish…..he just gets off on me being in charge. That worked out perfect for us because …well….. I prefer to be in charge. It really has more to do with being reliant on myself then it has to do with “being in charge”. As much as I would like to say I am not a control freak..I can’t type it with a straight face—much less say it out loud and not hear the phony, forced tinge in my own voice.


I am not a control freak about others…….I am control about myself, my life, my action. I don’t like having others dictate how I should act or react. If I control my environment—I control the way I act/react. I have found over the years I work best with male bosses—and I work best with male bosses who aren’t intimidated by vocal strong women. In all my life I—having had probably 25ish bosses—I have only had three bosses I could not work with.

One was a woman (that’s a whole other set of HOLY FUCK circumstances—-trying to socially or in a work environment mix with women who are as strong as I am) the other two were men who were strong dominant personalities, I have no idea what their sexual proclivities were…I could care less….but in a social/work environment my personally and theirs was the equivalent to a match and gasoline.

I don’t begrudge them their personality……they just weren’t a good mix for mine.

I did manage to maintain a calm work personality around them but only because above them…was a boss who wasn’t put off by my dominant female personality and he ran defense for me. None of this shuffle aroused me…it didn’t appeal to my sexual nature as a dominant.

I did have bosses who appealed to my dominant sexual nature…but they were always like my husband—-not weak but even with the “tile” boss…..were very comfortable following my lead. That always created a fondness and sometimes arousal for these men. I never had the urge to be a BDSM styled Domme with them…but I did have my own fantasies of subduing and subjugating them…..just as I had been doing with my husband as his life partner.


It has always been my belief…..


I was able to finally adapt to the D/s BDSM lifestyle he craved because of my inborn nature. Adding the BDSM twist to our sex life wasn’t a huge leap for me…because I didn’t have to “first learn how to be dominant”. It was a struggle to incorporate the D/s FemDom—but the struggle grew from his inability to let me be in charge the way I needed to be in charge. There’s not a single drop of passive in my personality. He could only bully me for so long before it would blow up in his face.
In the last few years I have observed/conversed with men trying to groom women who by nature are passive—they have no interest or inclination to be dominant in any manner in life…..not just in a sexual nature……but in their inborn nature overall…to be a BDSM dominant to service their own urges for a BDSM lifestyle.

Just an observation here….and IMO:

Asking this of someone who is by nature passive…is asking them to make a change to their inborn nature.

Another side to this is the woman who may be dominant in her overall life….but when it comes to her sexual needs, she is submissive. Again…..asking her to take on a dominant role….not going to be easy for her…because she is being asked to change the way she craves sex.

The first thing these women seem to have to do…

is to learn how to interchange a submissive nature for a dominant one.

I don’t have any answers to the conundrums this post is rampant with. It’s more meant to be food for thought for anyone who can’t figure out “why” getting a partner to “just do it” isn’t as simple as saying

“Hey wanna try this and you do that for me?”

A little more to add to the mish mash:

  1. Kathy permalink

    Nice to see you back !!


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