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HINT: A domination fetishist is not a submissive.

by on March 12, 2013


 Lots of circles inside circles…….so readers might want some Dramamine pre reading.


My husband is a domination fetishist….he assumed that meant he was a submissive. He made an ass out of both of us before he got things figured out and stopped putting the horse before the cart.

If domination isn’t an obvious part of the interaction between him and me, he won’t be aroused by my actions.

If I were to create a flow chart of my husband’s kinks

All of his kinks would “flow” from one fetish want:

To be dominated, by me.

There isn’t a single thing in his sexual make up that lends itself to being  dominant. That doesn’t mean he can’t be an alpha pissing T.F.T.B. jerk when he isn’t getting his way sexually.

He could become a nightmare to deal with when his fetish urges were getting the better of him.

Long before I had the right “lingo” for what was going on between us……

I knew something was out of whack between us.


We don’t see sex acts in the same light, our fetish wants are miles apart but my personality, being a “Take charge and take no prisoners” type dominant and aggressive woman made it possible for me to find ways to adapt to the circumstances. Being that type of woman didn’t automatically give me the “right stuff” to be a BDSM FemDom, but yet again my husband assumed.

 The circle inside the circle:

That part of my nature also fueled his cravings creating a cage match set up for us as a couple.  The more he got——the more he wanted, the more he pushed to “being out the inner Domme he just knew I had in me because of my personality”

And another twist:

I was feeding a beast inside him that I had no idea I was feeding and no idea of the monster I had a hand in creating.

When he dropped the idea of FemDom on me…

I saw it as an answer to my prayers:

A way to manage his kinks so they didn’t manage us.


I had no idea what I was getting myself into and at times I felt like I had walked right into a trap he set for me.

He tempted me into the lifestyle under the guise he was a submissive and just needed a little help and guidance from me to help him figure out how to make that happen in a way that it worked for me.

We got off to a very bad start because I didn’t have a clue about the lifestyle except my on stereotypical (and very wrong) concepts and ~STILL~ everything was built around his fetish wants.


This is what was wrong before he dropped the idea of FemDom on me—-our sex life was built more around what he wanted then what I wanted.

We just added another wrench to knock the gears out of balance of the machinery of our sex life that was already out of whack. Me agreeing to add the D/s twist to our sex life seemed to give him the green light to really become a jerk about getting all his fetish wants in play.

Before I could get control of anything I had to get him to admit this was all a rouse to get what he wanted as he tried to make me think it was “all about me”. He hadn’t really changed his own thought process he just found a new way to come at me and wear me down to get more of what he wanted in our sex life.

And yes, this is about our sex life.

I know some say that BDSM isn’t about sex…and for them it may not be……. but for my husband it is about sex and being aroused.

As this part of our story unfolds, that will be clear.

His kinky nature was shredding my sex life… times my whole life.

He would go through spells where he had no interest in what I wanted or needed when it came to sex; he was only focused on what worked for him and once I agreed to become his “Domme” he became obsessed with getting all the BDSM play he could, my part of our sex life ceased to exist.

BDSM has no appeal for me.

I could live without it in my life and be fine. I don’t crave it. I participate in the lifestyle because I want my husband to be happy but when it comes to his happiness I got to a point I was sacrificing my own for his.

When it comes to adding all the bells and whistles of BDSM in the style of female domination to our sex life …….what arouses me…… is seeing him aroused, but to enjoy that…….. I have to be relaxed and comfortable with whatever it is we are doing.

If I am feeling pressured and bullied I won’t be aroused, I will be stressed and eventually the stress will win out and I will shut down as a sexual being. Stress kills my libido and in the process of him getting what he wanted, his preoccupation with being dominated, he was strangling my libido with a garrote built out of stresses twined together.

There was a lot of talking out of both side of his mouth.

As he was telling me how submissive he is…….. he was bullying me into dominating him.

I wanted to believe what he said but his actions were having a stronger influence on my thoughts about him and the whole idea of D/s in our marriage. His words got to the point they fell on deaf ears because I knew his actions were going to counter anything that came out of his mouth.

He was the only one who could put a stop to the insanity that had invaded an already border line insane sex life before he dropped the idea of FemDom on me.

He had to do the gut work to understand the difference between having domination fetish is not conducive to being submissive.

I never expected him to be “submissive” it isn’t something I asked for or even considered….that was HIS idea.

What I needed was for him to stop treating me like a mushroom—-keeping me in the dark and feeding me bullshit—-about what he was trying to get out of a FemDom lifestyle in his life.

He had to come to terms with the fact he wasn’t a submissive and if he wanted me to continue to attempt to incorporate a BDSM FemDom styled twist to our sex life and life over all….. he had to go to work figuring out what being submissive was about and then put that to work in a manner that worked for me.

That wasn’t easy because he had to do all that without getting his fetish wants in play.

He had to prove to me he could do it without the being dominated.

It was through that process with him I found my own path for being the Domme in our relationship and getting us on the same part of the path. The first thing I discovered that worked is to NOT let him have anything he craves unless he has earned it first.

He is still all about being dominated–he always will be–but now days he knows what he wants isn’t even going to be considered until he has proved to me he is worth my efforts by earning his kink play rewards. He figured out real fast the less stressed I am the more willing I am to play kinky with him.

My life isn’t 100% stress free now days…..but it’s down a considerable amount since he knows me being stressed is going to get in the way of his domination fetish. He cut my stress load in half by stopping his bullshit games to get what he wanted when it comes to his kinks.

FemDom isn’t a magic bullet and the woman you want to be your Domme…can only be as much Domme as you let her.

If you are adding to her stress load because you think you need to be dominated and trained to be  submissive…maybe it is time to rethink what it is you are after and be honest with yourself and own the fact :

Wanting to be dominated DOES NOT make you a submissive.

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