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Jigsaw puzzles

by on March 12, 2013

That’s what my sex life felt like, one huge jigsaw puzzle that had no border pieces so it was impossible to figure out where to start putting the puzzle pieces in place.

Once I started to get an education that had some real merit in it about the FemDom lifestyle I started to understand so many things about my husband and about things that had happened in the past that had left me hurt and feeling like he wasn’t attracted to me as a woman. Discovering what I did took a lot of the pain out of dealing with what his kink nature does to us as a couple.

He was never one to initiate sex. That didn’t put a dent in our sex life because I am always the aggressor when it comes to initiating sex but I did wonder WHY he didn’t initiate it. I wondered if it was because he didn’t find me attractive, if he wasn’t interested in me.

It all starts with the desire to be dominated.

Once I got my finger on WHAT was the driving force behind my husband’s sexual nature, the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle started falling into place.

He always responded to me when I initiated sex, he never said no. In hind sight I can see the more aggressive I was in the process of initiating sex the more aroused he got. All these years later I see what was going on:

The ability to stay aroused for him was almost impossible if he had to be the aggressor or the dominant part of the starting process.

I thought for years me having to tell him what to do and how to do it meant he wasn’t paying attention to me, my body cues and remembering what I wanted and needed to be aroused and to enjoy sex with him. Another light bulb moment was when I hit on the fact me doing these things played right into his domination fetish.

The more I learned about domination and the fetishes that tentacle out from that one fetish the more I felt better about myself and about my husband.

Things that I took personally for so long weren’t things that were wrong “with me”……..what caused my husband to respond to me the way he did was HIS fetish nature.

The way he behaved to get what he wanted is a whole other topic that is and will be further addressed as the blog grows.

Right now I am looking at the fetish nature he owns for what it is. It is as much a part of him as his blue eyes and crooked toe on his left foot. He could no more stop being who he is when the urges hit him then he can stop breathing. It is ingrained in him; it is not something he conjured up out of nowhere.

That doesn’t give him a pass for being a jerk but it helped me feel better about us and him and gave me hope that there was an answer to getting this part of his nature under control.

I needed to understand the kink beast inside the man I adore.

Stress kills my libido, stress amps his up. The more stressed he is the more he craves being dominated. I can look back at our history as couple who struggles with his kink nature tearing us apart and the times things went out of control were always times stress was off the charts nuts in his life. Now days I see the warning signs of this becoming an issue and head it off at the pass.

Back to the “this isn’t something he conjured up”.

He has no idea where the root of this fetish starts and to be honest it doesn’t matter.

I will admit to doing some psychological brain picking on him when it comes to where he thinks this might have all started. We have discussed some things that happened during his childhood that may have helped form the urges but none of them are unseemly or harrowing.

All were innocuous events that we all experience in our childhood that left us “feeling funny own there”. The ones that made him “feel funny” down there always had to do with being dominated by older girls and voyeurism.

He said it aroused him to be ordered around by older girls and it also aroused him to see other boys ordered around. He said when girls embarrassed him, humiliated him he got aroused and he said this is something that memory wise goes back as far as he can recall any memories. He can’t pinpoint an exact time or event—- he’s has always been this way.

It evolved and refined as he got older and became more sexually aware.

My only reason for trying to find a root in all his fetish wants was to make sure we weren’t dealing with some emotional issues that needed more than I had to offer to help him. After discussing these things with him I have no doubt these fetishes are all born of harmless events in his life but they did shape his sexual nature.

The night we meet, I took charge and he said he knew then I was the woman of his dreams. We were married within weeks of meeting. It was an easy decision to make because we meshed so well from the start, what neither one of knew is how that “meshing so well” would come back to bite us both on the real life ass HARD.

The reason we meshed so well is because of his domination fetish and that would become the bane of my existence because I didn’t know what I was dealing with. He didn’t even know what it was…… all he knew was I was the first women who managed to stroke things inside him that no other woman had been able to get to.

My personality was an almost perfect fit for his domination fetish and all the other fetish urges that come into play when that fetish kicks into high gear.

We were ignorant kids when we got married.

I say ignorant–not stupid. Ignorant can be cured–stupid is forever.

Ignorant means you know there’s a right way to do things and set about trying to find that info, the fix for ignorant is getting the right info.

Stupid is not even bothering to look for better or right info. You can’t fix stupid.

He was much more sexually aware then I was. He was more in tune with his sexual urges and had explored more than I had.

His teen years were spent being adventurous—– my teens years—— were spent trying to survive a manic-depressive mom, a crazy as hell step farther and small town gossip.

I didn’t have time or the ability to be adventurous. I was willing to explore the kinkier side of sex with my new husband but he was so far ahead of me in what he knew and what he wanted I was in over my head before I knew it and he was so consumed with getting what he wanted he rarely noticed I was drowning.

And I have to admit I didn’t always let him know I was out of fear of disappointing him.

When things weren’t out of balance in our sex life, our sex life was amazing but over time it became such a balancing act trying to keep it in balance it took a toll on both of us. What kept us from coming apart at the seams over all those years was the fact outside the sexual aspect of our relationship we were a perfect match for each other. We made a good team and enjoyed each other tremendously.

We knew we had something very special that wasn’t worth throwing away because we couldn’t get on the same page sexually. We just kept plugging away looking for answers to get us on the same page sexually.

It took me years to come to terms with his sexual nature and that didn’t happen until I understood what was behind all the things that he craved, the things that brought on his aroused state.

As I said…all this is not a free pass for the fact he could be a real jerk in the process of trying to get what he wanted….but me understanding what was going on and see that it wasn’t me that caused all the issues to spin out of control and getting him to understand it was his job to keep this part of his nature under control, that expect me to give him what he craved was not an answer to fixing what was wrong with us as a couple. It was a two-way street, I had to work to understand him, he had to work to get control of these things so they didn’t control us.

The more I understand the more I can up but the heaviest burden of the job is his to carry.

Putting the jig saw puzzle together takes team work and pieces can’t be forced into place.

FemDom didn’t fix or save our sex life, it gave us a border to start putting the jig saw piece together.

From → Back Story

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