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B.A.D. Fetishist, no but…… wait that’s not me….

by on March 12, 2013

Wanna bet?

I am back on the

“just because you want to be dominated doesn’t make you a submissive”

soap box.

There’s part of me that knows I shouldn’t be angry with my husband for thinking that very thing. It is the bill of goods he was sold by a lot of B.A.D. info he read before he asked me to consider adding the FemDom to our sex life.

There was a whole lot of “if you want this or this, if you crave this thing or that thing, if you feel the need to have this done to you or that done to you then you are a submissive” drummed into his head(s). None if it took into account that wanting to be dominated makes a guy a submissive, in fact it used that notion to promote whatever cash cow they had offered up to milk the readers with.

Let’s call a spade a spade here:

If you need to be forced into being submissive you aren’t submissive by nature.

Spare me the “but we need to be trained” blather….…that’s code for “use my fetish wants on me right and I’ll be what you want.”

If the woman you are asking into this had any idea on how to deal with you… wouldn’t be here looking for a way to bring the topic up….so please spare me all the inane asinine arguments you have read to this point about how you are submissive.

For just a few minutes step out of the porn infused cloud and think for yourself and think about what would be best for your partner and think about being honest about what it is you want.

Consider the following:

If you can’t get aroused by the idea of being submissive get into a submissive mind-set—- without having at least one of your fetish urges used on you—— you are more about being dominated then you are about being submissive and you will be lying to your partner if you tell her you want to offer her your submission.

The truth is your submission comes with strings attached and unless she knows what the strings are she is going to end up feeling betrayed and used.

How many other fetishes are attached to this one fetish you are expressing?

How much is going to be required from your partner to get it “right” and use her  power of domination on you the way it strokes enough of the domination fetishes for you to “learn” to be  a good submissive?

 Truth is you have the horse before the cart and you are being a B.A.D. guy if you aren’t grasping the difference between having a domination fetish and the clear-cut want to be submissive.

You are willing to be a submissive but you want to be submissive on your terms.

You do want to Build A Domme to suit your needs instead of letting her determine what she wants you to be as he submissive.

Not being honest about what you want, trying to ply her with pretty words to make what you want sound like it is about her is going to blow up in your face. Using the scripted stuff on many of the sites you have read looking for a way to get your partner on board is going to have you deceiving her.

Every couple I have encountered that started out this way all had the same issues my husband and I had:

Unless he is being dominated in the manner he wants, he becomes a pain in the ass for the woman he asked into the lifestyle.

All of them at some point–my own husband included— blamed the women for not getting it right. They were totally blind to the fact they were screwing up left and right.

These men ignored the fact they had dumped all their fetish urges in their partner’s lap and made their partner solely responsible for the sexual pleasures without giving a lot back UNLESS they were getting things their way.

Why not start out with honesty? There’s nothing wrong with being a domination fetishist…….. but one would never know that by reading the info out there on how to introduce a partner.

The fact so many encourage the one with the domination fetish to deceive their partner is something that will forever chap my hide.

Life would have been a hell of a lot smoother for my husband and I if he had just been honest about the fact he wanted me to dominate him and that unless I was willing to he wasn’t so much keen on giving me what I wanted.

It wouldn’t have made things any easier but it would have made some adjustments smoother because I wouldn’t have felt like I was caught in a vortex of him saying one thing and doing just the opposite.

My love and feelings for him didn’t change the day he finally owned up to the fact he is more about being dominated not about being submissive and it put an end to a lot of my confusion and gave me the power and confidence to put a stop to the circles inside the circles his denial was keeping us caught in.

Him owning that put an end to me feeling like I was crazy and that I would never get this right and it put the responsibility of making this work back in his lap.

We both wonder how much heartache we could have saved each other if he had just been honest from the start.

  1. You made some really good points….I love the “The fact so many encourage the one with the domination fetish to deceive their partner is something that will forever chap my hide”. It really comes down to honesty and balance. Both are essential to living a happy, fulfilled life…
    I was glad to see you on the Monkey’s blog. Nailing jello to the wall…I am going to have to use that someday…One of those days when my child is forcing me to be a drill Sargent to get her to do her work…..


  2. Thanks Sarah…and yep….what it is…… is disgusting.

    It is a set up that has a huge potential for catastrophic failure. Every wife I have every talked to who had the lifestyle pushed on them in this manner has said the same thing:

    “ I just wish he had been honest with me from the start. I hate being lied to and I hate being manipulated”

    No it’s not going to be easy to be honest………. but it beats the hell out of cleaning emotional blood and guts off the floors, walls and ceiling when things blow up.

    (And yep-yep nailing Jello to walls…..seems to be a lot of that going on when it comes to any alternative lifestyle, I have smashed a lot of fingers doing so *snort/giggle* )


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