Shame

My wife gave me a list of writing prompts for my part of the blog but she doesn’t influence what I write. She generally doesn’t read my writings until after they have been posted in my section. I was happy this morning when she told me she liked my forward thinking post. She went on to ask me to explain why what I wanted would not work with more detail. I admit I balked a little but she pointed out she needed to know if I really understand why what I wanted wouldn’t work. In the light of day, pushed out of the irrationality of the impact of my hormones, yes I know exactly why the way I wanted things to be wouldn’t work.

Angry she is one huge ball of energy.  She’s not confrontational when she is angry. She head on confronts whatever it is to adjust it;  be a person or an objects or life. She takes anger uses it to fuel fixing whatever made her angry.  That was counterproductive for me, for what I wanted in her as a Domme. Her being angry that way didn’t work for me, it didn’t get me aroused.  I wanted her to be seething and taking her anger out on me.

It didn’t help that she has a long fuse; it takes a lot to make her angry. Me, doing things in hopes she would use corporal punishment to correct me, “take her anger out on me” meant we stayed at odds with each other since I had to push a lot of buttons constantly to make her mad. I stopped doing things I had been doing all along in hopes she would get mad and demand I do it. That’s not her style. If it was some type of manual labor she needed done she would either do it herself or find someone else to do it. If it was on the affectionate emotional side of the relationship I would wait for her to show me affection before I expressed any towards her. Slaves don’t make the first move. She started shutting down and pulling away from me.

I would sit in the floor at her feet hoping she would ask me to do something and if she did, more often than not, I would be difficult about doing it because I wanted her to demand it like a real Domme would. I wouldn’t touch her, hug her or kiss her unless she attempted to first. It is no wonder this lead to her melting down over the idea of having D/s relationship. I wish I could say it only took one melt down for me to get the clue what I was doing wasn’t fair to her.

When she melted down, I would back off for a while but sooner or later the urges would get the better of me, I would turn to porn to get the urges fulfilled but all that did was fuel my desires more and I would start pushing her to try again with all kinds of promises it would be different this time, better for her. But for years, it didn’t turn out that way, within days, sometimes hours I fell back in the same patterns of trying to push her buttons to get what I wanted. It took a lot of work on her part to get me to grasp that what I was doing was never going to get me what I wanted and until I changed my ways on my own I was never going to get what I was asking for because I would screw it up every time and she would give up.

I mentioned in my forward thinking post she doesn’t like being fussed over. At first I didn’t understand why it was so hard for her to just sit still and order me around. It made me angry that she wouldn’t even try to do this for me. I have a lot of shame about how wrong I did things in the past and this is a pretty shameful moment right here, it took other women explaining to me why she was having such a hard time doing this, they said to me what she had me saying to me. What she had said to me I blew off as her being difficult and not wanting to let me have my way.

Once I got my head on right I could see where she was trying but it was a lot of work for her. She had to stop and think “Okay I can’t do this; I need to tell him to do it.” She said many times she would be on her way to load the dishwasher or fold laundry or something and she would have to back track, sit down and yell at me to do it. Then she had to hope I wasn’t going to be difficult to get her to “be the Domme and force me to do it.”

Just to show you how irrationally unpleasant I got: For years I used to get up on Sunday mornings and go get pastry and coffee and serve it to her in bed. We would spend Sunday mornings catching up with each other while the house was quiet. I found out sometime later, she used this little bit of time with me to regroup and get ready to head into another week of living the insane life we live thanks to the business we own and my kinks. I stopped doing this because I wanted her to demand I do it. I would get up Sunday mornings and sit and wait for her to demand it. She would get up and get her own coffee and bring me one, she never said anything about the fact I stopped doing it. I would sit and pout about how she wouldn’t let me be her slave, bout how difficult she was making things for me.

My thinking was backwards, I didn’t see that at the time. I saw her getting in the way of me being a good slave because she wouldn’t give me the opportunities to be her slave. The truth is if she wasn’t doing something that aroused me, I wasn’t all that interested in doing for her. I honestly have no idea when that became part of the dynamic in place between us. My best guess would be when she agreed to be my Domme. I had a lot of ideas of how she would need to be a Domme for me to be a good slave. Somewhere in the hormonal idiocy that set in when she said yes I lost my logical thinking skills. There’s the “I had no blood in my big head” joke just begging to be used here, but that’s so disrespectful to her and what she was dealing with at times like this. What I was doing was not funny and I can’t make excuses even in jest about what I was doing to her.

There is another reason she had a hard time “forcing me” to be her slave. She deals with some health issues that aren’t life threatening, but they are life altering and she has to do for herself to hang on to her dignity and sanity. We are both well aware of the fact there may come a day she can’t do for herself and I was robbing her of that right, that need she has to keep herself sane and feeling good about herself.

She been having a rough time for the last few months and it is hard to watch her do things when I know she is in pain, but my job as her submissive is to make her life easier and better. My job is to enhance her life, sometimes that means standing back, staying out of her way, not trying to help and letting her do for herself and trusting she will ask for help when she needs and when she does ask, it is my job to just do it; my place in her life is her helpmate because as the Domme that’s what she wants.

I’m ashamed of the fact it took me a long time to understand that being a slave or  a submissive isn’t about being dominated into being good to her, it isn’t about how much abuse I can take, it starts with being a good partner because I love her.