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B.A.D. men and their “spoiled brat” inner child

by on February 23, 2013

“You’re the Domme, make me!”

The first time I heard these words out of my husband’s mouth my reply was

“For fuck sake, what are you six?”

I could not believe what I had just heard….and the argument that followed this exchange was mind numbing….and it went on for DAYS!

I wasn’t used to having to “make him” do anything.

For almost 28 years of marriage, I asked he did…it was that simple.

The thing is…

I wasn’t in much of a habit of asking him to do anything. For one thing he’s a smart GROWNUP man who knows me…….he should be able to just look around and SEE what needs to be done and do it and it do it without expecting some kind of “pay back.”

I never asked him to do housework, never really wanted him to. I was pretty much always a stay at home mom.

THIS was and still is a luxury in a time that it takes TWO incomes for most families to just survive.

I did expect him to pick up after himself and pitch in when things got crazy and I was in the weeds with the kids and the house, but he has always worked long hours and was often away from home for months at a time. When he was home the last thing I wanted was him doing something that took time away from the kids and me.

 I had a system and being sort of an absentee partner, he didn’t always know what the system was, it was better for him to stay the hell out of my way, stay on the sidelines and be a “support beam”.

By the time he dropped the “FemDom” idea in my lap….our kids were grown up enough they were self-sufficient and I wasn’t running the 40 yard mommy dash any more.

In fact most of the time it was just me and him in the house and more of that it was just ME in the house, because he was working 10-12 hours a day six days a week……. when he offered his service to me as my “house slave” it was joke.

The joke was on me because I had no idea the power struggle that was about to get put in motion.

He was willing to be my “house slave” as long as I worked inside the parameters HE SET to get his kink beast fed as he was the “slave”. He asked me to give him a list of tasks. As much as I didn’t want to, I did and then watched dumbfounded as he screwed up one after another, doubling MY WORK because I had to go along behind him and fix whatever he screwed up.

I blew a gasket one night and told him I was done giving him tasks list because it was too much work for me. That’s when I heard the

“You’re the Domme make me”

…..and the light bulb came on.

It hit me he was screwing things up to get me to “punish him” it was his way of setting up the dynamics to get HIS B&D and pain play urges into play… pushing my buttons to piss me off.

When I confronted him with this light bulb moment his reply was

“I am helping you find your inner Domme, I am helping you learn to be a better Domme by giving you chances to train me to do things your way, punish me and I will learn to do what you want.”


Back to the “talking about feelings and things getting lost in translation” theory of B.A.D. men.

I’d already told him, several times, I had no interest in using BDSM type punishments on him to “train him”.

That wasn’t something I could find a way to do…it didn’t fit with my personality.

I’d already told him I would never play angry and the more he pissed me off the less interest I had in BDSM. I did have an interest in a FemDom lifestyle, I just didn’t have an interest in it the way HE wanted it so he figured he would “groom me” into wanting it his way.

Again with the selective hearing and translating what I said to fit what he had in mind.

He’d been reading a lot of B.A.D. advice about how to get what he wanted. He was being told if he did this…….I would do that…with no regards to who I AM.

None of the stuff took into account the non lock step stepping female who didn’t buy into the male agenda of FemDom and didn’t fit into the cookie cutter definition the authors of this “here’s how to help her learn how to be a Domme” stuff had in mind when they give these men advice.

I wanted a D/s relationship and a D/s relationship with BDSM as part of the foundation……but not in the way my husband wanted it.

Mine was based on feeling and seeing him do the work  he said he wanted to do to make me happy.

His way was based on the concept of

“Do me your best Domme and I’ll do whatever you ask as long as what you ask is something I want to do”.

This stuff he had been reading actually encouraged him to do things wrong so I would “learn” to punish him.

The line of thought in this stuff was I would soon come to realize that using BDSM punishment on him to train him would be fun because it got me what I wanted.

It discounted the fact I had NO INTEREST in using BDSM this way……but it sure fed into his fantasies of what fun it would be for him if he could just help me “learn” to get it and use it.

It all had to come to a screeching halt……but it wasn’t a fast halt…it was a “watching a train wreck in slow motion” halt.

I had to UN-TRAIN him of all the B.A.D. training he’d had.

I had to break him of going back to the B.A.D. trough to gorge on ideas on how to help me (groom me) to be the Domme.

I had to write my OWN training material on the fly and then get him to pay attention without the carrot of BDSM at the end of the stick.

He had to understand with me as his Domme… MY FemDom world, BDSM was a reward for good conduct and that bad conduct meant he’d lose his kink privileges.

Why does it need to be this way?

Because my husband is a pain slut, a hard-core masochist who craves pain and humiliation and will go to great lengths to get these craving sated.

Here’s the enigmatic conundrum with this kind of BDSM partner:

You can’t “train with punishment” this kind of kink soul.

They can’t be sated; the more they get……….. the more they crave….it becomes vicious circles inside circles.

That right there…that part of his nature drove him to acting like a petulant spoiled brat (You’re the Domme, make me!)and out-right stupid (Let me see how hard I can get her to punish me when I screw this up)when trying to push my buttons to get what he wanted. It drove him to nearly drive me mad trying to get what he wanted.

What I have come to learn over the last couple of years, now that I have found my OWN solid footing in the world of FemDom…now that my own FemDom wings are unfurled and I can fly by the seat of my pants with the greatest of ease ( most of the time), on my own…….


If you have a man like this:

You can’t “train them” by giving them what they crave.

They will learn to be master crafters of guiding you into giving them what they want. They will groom you into what they are looking for in a service top.

The training comes in making them EARN what they crave….and YOU set the bar and parameters for HOW they earn rewards.

But that again…another tale …….

That needs its own “~you*are*here~”spot on the map of this FemDom path we are living at our place.

  1. I don’t see that as a femdomme issue… topping from the bottom is universal. It is exactly the problem that most vanilla marriages have. If I need say more.. well, I shouldn’t need to.


  2. Mike S. permalink

    This is Gold. I see exactly what you are saying. Your husband is doing this for HIM…not for YOU.
    That is the difference.


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