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The following is a commentary on a comment.

by on June 18, 2014



Consider it a P.S.A.

I guess.



Hi there. I’m new to this; my partner loves to be dominated. He’s had a mistress before, a woman who he was not involved with but they had/have an intense sub/domme relationship.

He tells me he doesn’t engage with her anymore because he knows it.hurts my feelings but I still want to be as good as she was. Can you give me some advise as to how to proceed.

He says his limits are light pain, he loves bondage and has a foot fetish. Speaking of which. Should I use my feet to punish or reward him? Thanks. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


The fastest way to make sure you get the best answers is to go the “cut to the chase blunt route here.

You aren’t her ………so you can’t be “as good as she was”.

How do you know she was good at what she did?


Just because it turned him on…doesn’t make her good at anything….it just means she figured out which buttons to push on/for him. That didn’t make her good…it made her observant.

You shouldn’t even be striving to be like her.  That is a recipe for failure and could end up crushing your own ego and self-worth.

Would you want to be like—mimic—an old flame?

Why would you allow someone to let you set yourself up to follow in the footsteps of an ex-whatever?

Your style won’t be anything like hers and if your partner is pushing you to adapt his old Domme’s style…….he isn’t being fair to you or allowing you to find your own path in a life style that is about YOU.


To be honest this part of the comment set off all kinds of alarm bells:

He tells me he doesn’t engage with her anymore because he knows it.hurts my feelings


Does this mean he was seeing another woman behind your back?

Was he seeing a Pro Domme….behind your back?

Is he still in contact with her?


There are so many blanks to fill in here.


What kind of relationship do the two of you have?

How long have you two been together?

Do you live together?

If you do live together:

Is he expecting you to “be the Domme” in every aspect of the relationship?


And the biggest blank to fill in…is this something YOU WANT…or are you doing this to please him?

Even with all the answer to the above…..I can’t tell you how to “be/do anything”. I can offer my own experiences and if there is something in this experience you can relate to then YOU can take it and make it your own, adapt it to fit you and what you would like to have as “The Domme” of this relationship.


Frankly  at this point my best “words of advice”:

I don’t know either one of you so I have no business offering you any kind of “one on one” advice…other than……if you can’t be yourself…..if you have to emulate a woman in his past… are starting out with three strikes against you.

You are setting yourself up for some possibly serious hurt because if you can’t just “be you” as “his Domme” then all that is going on here is him grooming you to be his service top.

I’m not saying that as a woman who adapted to the lifestyle.

I’m not saying that as a “Domme”.

I am saying that as a woman who knows how hard it is to fill the shoes of another woman……. from both personal experience and watching far to many of my female friends do just that…just to hang on to a man.

They end up losing themselves, their own identity, self-worth and sanity,  in the process of trying to accommodate the man in the equation.

From → B.A.D. men

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