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Mused again.

by on April 7, 2013

 Writing the body has done it again! 😉

A reply that got messed up here:

Actually………when I sat down to add the missed C&P section of my original reply to him…I realized there was so much more that needed to be said…if what I was saying was going to make sense.

From my reply to WTB:

~~~Who I sleep with is 100% his business
Not clueing him in and letting him know what’s up…….~is cheating~…….and not only that…… he may not be jumping in bed with me when I am with another guy……….but he effectively sleeps with whomever I sleep with…….and we both sleep with anyone my partners has slept with.~~~


What made me the angriest when my husband confessed to his fling…..he took away MY right to choose…to sleep with the woman he slept with.

That was the deepest part of the betrayal…the hardest part to get over.

He came home and for few days life went on between us as a “no infidelity attached” couple, including our sex life.
We were a couple who knew where our sexy bits had been…without a doubt. I had no reason to be concerned about the risk of STD’s…because well…my partner was faithful.

Yes it bothered me that he’d had this kind of intimate contact with another woman.
That did rip my heart to pieces and it did an ugly wicked number on my ego.


But what made me blind raging angry….was the fact he took MY right to choose to sleep with her…have sex with her…… by having uniformed sex with him after the fact…because he wasn’t 100% honest with me when he hit the front door when he got home from the trip.
He had sex with me three times before he confessed to what he had done….three times he took my right to choose away.


AT this point in our life “FemDom-D/s and BDSM weren’t even topics around our place. That topic didn’t even become a topic between us until maybe two years later…long after the mess he’d made was semi dealt with and the open wounds were  past the healing phase and starting to scar over.

Let’s face it; this type of gaping wound never heals without a tender scar that can be ripped open with a couple of thoughtless—genuinely thoughtless–not hatefully thoughtless— words.

I was well aware of his kinky nature…I have been juggling his kinky veiled requests from the very start of our relationship.
I was semi aware he had an interest in BDSM styled kink ….because I knew the type of porn he preferred…. ….but I had no idea how deep the desire was nor did I know the roots of the kink lay in his urge to be dominated.

At this point in time he hadn’t vocalized any specifics about what he craved… was all still very much a guessing game for me….as in “Guess what kink he is obsessing over this time” and all kinks he obsessed over ……..over all……always involved some form of domination……and 95% of what he craved put him in the position of being dominated. ( That odd ball 5%…another story for another time.)

And I ramble…..getting back on track:

If I ever wanted to punish him for anything related to his infidelity…really make the punishment emotionally painful… was the fact he took my right to choose away from me when he didn’t give me a choice to say no the first time we had sex after he had sex with her.

Who I choose to have sex with will always be his business because I will never disrespect him and our life together…the way he did me.
He will always have the right to say NO……to being forced to have sex with anyone I have sex with…after the fact.

THAT is his penance because it is always a reminder of how he betrayed me……by taking my right to choose.

This one single thought…

IS  the hair shirt of contrition–the albatross around his neck……

that he will wear for the rest of his life with me.

He wears them by choice…not by force.
He’s free to shed the shirt and walk away from me.
Because he always has choices….he always has the right to say no.

From → Back Story

  1. I agree with you, that is how I would feel. That my right to choose has been stripped away from me. At this point in my life that would piss me off more than anything. I have had a lot of shit be stowed a pond me that was not mine, should of never been mine and yet it became mine. Once it was mine I had to make a choice, to deal with it (“no no no, I don’t want to, why should I have too? No no”) or not to deal with it (it will not go away, what the fuck).
    So you deal with it, or I did. This is my life, I can not choose what always happens, but I can choose how I am going to deal with it. But deal with it is a must if you want to be happy. Who doesn’t want to be happy? But to be happy requires work.
    What I worry about is if my man was with another women behind my back, I would go out and do it to him. I would do it good, That two dick shit that is all over porn, ya we be checking that shit out, maybe three men, fuck the possibilities are endless now that I have a door open.
    The problem is; how is that going to help anything? Trust me I would have fun while it was going down. I don’t do to many things that are not fun, and what I have to do I make it fun. 92% of the time I do.
    I do not need another fucken weed I can not smoke in my plot of dirt (got to many already) But if I got one, I would tear it up to shred and could damage the flowers I have worked really hard on. Shit when the hell did I become an adult?


  2. *High five’s Sassy*


    ~~~~~but I can choose how I am going to deal with it. But deal with it is a must if you want to be happy. Who doesn’t want to be happy? But to be happy requires work.~~~~~

    I so need an applause button! AMEN!
    And again…I need an applause button!

    ~~~~The problem is; how is that going to help anything?~~~~

    It is exactly why I stress that when I decided to put the cuck stuff into play…it had nothing to do with what had happened in the past…we were a good nineish years out from this nightmarish event. I am not about to let some other woman have any control over my emotions and the choices I make in my life…had I cucked him to get even…..she would have been part of the reason I chose to do what I did. She’s a blip on the radar…she will not have any long term effects on us as a couple. She’s old news……she is the past….and she will stay there….as long as I don’t use this event….to “get even” with him.

    The minute I think I need to get even with him for being stupid with her…….I give her a prominent and controlling place in our life.

    Not gonna happen.


  3. 🙂 she gets none of your power!! Getting even, feeling hate all that does is drain our energy and we need our energy to try and keep up with life. 🙂


    • Amen again Sister!!!!

      Most people I know don’t have enough time and energy for the people who matter in their world…so why waste that time and energy on someone who doesn’t matter?


      • Exactly:) I have been saying that for awhile now and you are the first person to say it to me:)
        In one of my classes we talked about having relationships with our clients and how it happens a lot and what were we going to do to prevent it, because it is bad business. For me this was not an issue. I have enough people and activity’s in my life that I don’t always have time for. I am not about to hang out with clients when I live in a small town and negative shit spreads faster than positive. 🙂


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