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Sounding Domme

by on April 4, 2013

 Sub titled:

HOLY SHIT!

O—-M—-G !!

???W*T*F!!!
Has he lost his mind?

Does he really think I am going to do things like that to him?

That’s dangerous, why would he want that?

 (*Serendipity McKink circa 2006ish)
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Sounding Domme…..

That’s a search term that showed up in the search term scroll a couple of days ago.

I looked at it and wondered:

Did the person doing the search want to know how to
“orate like a Domme”
===== as in=====
voice tenor and words to speak that would “sound like” a Domme…… or…..were they looking for vid clips/stories of Dommes who perform urethral sounding?

Urethral sounding

–a/k/a–

sound play, cock stuffing,

I’ve even heard it referred to as “poking the lizard”

and no doubt there are other terms for this type of kink play.

From wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urethral_sounding

Sounding or urethral sounding is the medical use of probes called sounds to increase the inner diameter of the urethra and to locate obstructions in it. Sounds are also used to stretch the urethra in order to receive piercing.

Urethral sounding and urethral play are also used to refer to this practice in a sexual context.

Urethral play can involve the introduction of either soft or rigid items into the meatus of the penis (as well as farther in). Objects such as sounds are usually only inserted about halfway into the glans and can usually be easily retrieved. Other toys and items, such as catheters, may be introduced deeper; in some cases even into the bladder. Some items may even be allowed to curl several times or expand within the bladder.

This action in the male may be directly or indirectly associated with stimulation of the prostate gland and some types of bladder control.

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If someone was looking for some type of help on how to “perform” like a Domme, what Fem-Domming is and stumbled into the information on how to perform the practice of sounding……chances are the reaction they had is exactly what the subtitle of this post states.

(*My own reaction the first time I caught wind of his interest in sounds play.)

Far too often ……

Male partners drop the idea of FemDom D/s and being the “Domme” on their girlfriend or wife and then expect the woman to just “figure it out”.

The guy spends more time and energy on trying to groom her to be the Domme and not nearly enough time on understanding what it takes to be a good submissive or considering the panic and fear he has thrown her into…or paying much attention to the fact what he is asking her to look at is scaring the bejesus out of her….or considering what kind of nightmare making stuff she will stumble into if she goes it on her own looking to get info on the subject. They forget they have had ages to come to terms with and grasp the concept of what they are craving…..and no clue to the fact what they just dropped into their partners lap is as foreign to the partner as foreign can get.

Along with this goes:

They think to be a good submissive they have to be trained… i.e. “Dommed” into being submissive.

They don’t want to be an integral part of building the foundation for D/s…they want it done TO THEM.

They want to sit back and let her do all the work.

They want her to just clue in grab some kind of pain inducing implement and start screaming at them and cropping the crap out of them at every turn.

They want to be ordered around and “forced” into this or that ..A*N*D…. they want it all to fit into the scheme of what they have built up in their head(s).

Many of them have imprinted on hard-edged FemDom porn/stories and expect their wife or girlfriend to figure out how to be exactly what they saw in the porn…the want their fantasies to translate down to the “T” in real life.

When I first started looking for information on FemDom and the D/s lifestyle 10 years or so ago…..most everything out there was based on the male agenda of what FemDom should look like. There was plenty of porn but very little matter of fact — “new to the life style friendly”– type information.

The first few books my husband gave me to read on the subject…freaked me out because all of it felt like it was telling me I had to change who I am as a woman…at my core…….to be a “Fem Domme” .

What was being “advised” ………….fit right into what he had in mind for the changes to be made…none of it appealed to me in any way, shape form or fashion.

The suggestions for how to have him adoring me and falling at my feet seemed like a hell of a lot of work to get him to do things he should be doing as a good husband/life mate.

It was me doing for him and hoping he would get motivated enough to want to do things for me.

There was a whole lot of:
“Ladies if you want this…… then do this” advisement in all the material.

It ranged from giving him “tasking lists” ……..things like house work or running my bath or giving me back rubs and on and on….and punishing him with harsh words and beatings…..when he stepped out of line…….didn’t do whatever task exactly to my specifications………. to locking him in chastity and never letting him have orgasms…….. some of the advice was to cuck him because a cucked man knows his place!

It was my job as the “Domme” to make him behave and I needed to use drastic hateful measure to make sure he behaved.

It told me to not show him any kind of affection, no touching, no extemporaneous hugs or kisses and he could only touch me when I “ordered” him to. And if he wanted to hug or kiss me he had to ask permission and if he didn’t ask permission he had to be punished.

I wasn’t to say please or thank you…….I was to demand everything. One article suggested I force him to always sit at my fee. Any time I was sitting down he should be sitting at my feet worshipping my feet and he should always walk a few paces behind me. This only touches on a small amount of the “advice” I got from the material.

All of this played right into his uber-masochistic BDSM fantasy of being “my slave”……none of it had anything in it for me and it added to my work load as his sexual partner.

What it all boiled down to:

I was going to have to spend a lot of time babysitting him and his dick and making a lot of core changes in who I am…..

Even  changing  my core ethical structure.

=========If that’s what “FemDom” is….

I want NOTHING to do with it.=========

Something that was purported to be “all about me getting what I wanted” was going to be a hell of a lot of work before I got anything I wanted and top it off with the fact the spontaneity of being a couple was G*O*N*E.

Then add it was suggesting I force him to do things to and for me I don’t enjoy.

Where was this entire line of “advice” going wrong?

Let’s skip right past the fucking dumb as a box of rocks, ill-informed —-cookie cutter approach— to pleasing women and the ways to encourage her to “find her inner Domme”.

Let’s blow past how fucking calculating and manipulative this bullshit snowstorm is…… to get the guy what he wants…( because call a spade a spade here: That is the crux of this kind of “advice”)

Let’s go right to why this wouldn’t work for me.

Let’s break this down and take it to a personal level of why it didn’t work for THIS woman:

I loathe having orders barked at me……and even more……. I loathe barking orders. To get that “Be the Domme and order me around” thing in play….. I had to stop and think constantly “how” to tell him to do something and I had to fight the innate habit to say please and thank you. I had to re-work my whole “auto pilot” for being a person to get this one thing in play. It drove me bat shit bonkers.

I am a spontaneously affectionate person and I want my partner to be the same way. If I have to ask for affection…..fuck it……I don’t want it. If I have to “demand” it….order it…be asked for permission before he can hug or kiss me…..is well….hell…. off the charts ludicrous.

I H*A*T*E……. really H*A*T*E……. truly H*A*T*E…….having my feet touched. Touching my feet unannounced it going to mean whoever did it…is going to get a kick to the gut or a mouth full of foot.

When I am in the mood for a long soak in the tub…it means I want to be left alone and I don’t have the energy to invest in ordering someone to get my bath ready.

I’m not real big on back rubs unless I am in the mood and I’m not in the mood that often. I have some muscular issues that mean I am in pain most of the time and someone “massaging me” may inflame already sore muscles.

Having him walk a few feet behind me was a pain in the ass because if I needed to say something to him I had to stop, then “demand” he get beside me.

The cuck stuff…yeah I did end up doing just that….but not without a lot of angst and tears and rearranging my core moral assembly…. …..and I didn’t cuck him to help me find my “inner Domme” or to put him in his rightful place….or to use it as part of the “training” to make him a better “slave” make him “behave”. The how and why of all that……another story for another time…..suffice it to say it had nothing to do with using the cucking against him.

I have no interest in locking his boy bits up. I refuse to do without intercourse on demand and I don’t want to have to hunt down a damned key to unlock his dick when I am in the mood for intercourse on demand……..I refuse to be the key keeper in the vein of making him “behave”. If he has to be aroused to be a decent partner…..the hell with it. If he can’t get motivated to be dutiful and considerate without some kind of gadget locked on his dick…..if he needs that for a reminder that he is half of us…..then he isn’t grown up enough to be part of us.

Misbehave,

that word…

applied to a grown man…

a man….

who outside his kinky urges…..

is one of the most mature, responsible, reliable solid men I know.

The whole theme of the advice I was getting was all about “making him behave”…everything I was supposed to do as the “Domme”……was to have the end result of “making him behave”.

All of the sudden his being an adult….acting like an adult……all the work to get him there…fell on ME…..when I  assumed the title “Domme”.
That one word seemed to give him the right to revert to a spoiled irresponsible juvenile-like walking hard-on.
It became MY JOB to make sure he “behaved”.

Jesus……F.F.S…he’s not a child!

I am not his mommy……and this part of all this ‘advice” had such an ugly fall out on us as a couple and on my mental state that we are lucky we survived and were able to regroup and rebuild from the damage this did to the core of who we are as a couple.
I’m not a “punish just for the hell of it” kind of person. I am a firm believer in positive reinforcement…not in screaming, beating and berating someone who made a mistake. I was supposed to just be able to STOP being that part of who I am and start being this howler monkey shrew with a whip, who locked his dick in a tube……when he “misbehaved”.

Cut to the chase:

All the advice I got……….. set up the perfect dynamics…….. for him to get me to “sound and preform like the Domme of his dreams”.
I ended up burnt out and angry because I was doing all the work, I was giving up my idea of what O*U*R sex life should be like……to get him to want me as his sexual partner.

Following the “advice” I had handed to me by him in the form of books and on line “how to be the Domme programs” and following the advice I kept stumbling into when I tried to find info on my own…..…….put an end to what I needed in our sex life. It stopped being about us and stared being all about his desires for his idea of kink play.

To survive in the dynamics he was asking for…I had to throw away all the advice I’d gotten…and start writing my own advice information and he had a choices:

He could work with me or against me.
He could follow my lead or keep tripping me when he didn’t like the way I was leading.
He could work alongside me and help me build the foundation, instead of standing behind me and forcing me to build a foundation that suited his needs.

The ultimate decision in how this would work (or not work) came down to him making the demonstrative cognizant choice to accept me defining HOW “sounding Domme” would sound and what it would look like and accepting the responsibility of doing the work to adapt to MY style instead of trying to groom me to sound and look like what he had in his head(s).

I didn’t just “throw away” the books….

.I set the fuckers on fire,

And HOT DAMN…… did they ever make a pretty bonfire.

He jokes about it now days……..he is damned lucky I wasn’t in the mood for a weenie roast the night I went Fahrenheit 451 bonkers. (It wasn’t funny when it happened…..I was in full meltdown over his pushing me to get what he wanted and I don’t think he had really clued into just how bad things were for me…until the night I did have to set a fire to get his attention!)

To be honest at that point in time…he’s lucky I didn’t just flat out go Lorna Bobbitt on his boy bits!!

That happened a good four years into me trying to find information on “sounding Domme”…we are about sixish years out from the night I channeled Ray.

I write my own advice now days on the ways of FemDom. My advice looks nothing like what was originally handed to me….but now days our sex life looks a hell of a lot more like what he was asking for…then he ever thought it would be.

My advice to any woman looking for information on how to “sound Domme”:

A Domme should sound like who YOU are.
Don’t try to sound like or be anything as a Domme that isn’t who you are.

Being Domme is about owning and preserving your needs and wants as a sexual woman…as you go about finding ways to apply your needs and wants to the wants of the man who asked you to be the Domme….to the sex life you share as a couple.

For me it was about finding ways to make his kink wants…mesh with my non kink needs. If it wouldn’t mesh in a way that worked for me..…… it didn’t stay in what was part of the foundation of who we are as a D/s couple.

Once he accepted the fact he was going to have to do a lot of work to help things mesh and he was going to have to let go of things that would not mesh….……and started doing that work make it work or let it go….…..we were both amazed by what did mesh. We have managed to weave a “meshed” D/s life style that has both of us feeling fulfilled and feeling like our needs are being met without having to give up…because once things started to mesh…what we had to give up…seemed frivolous and insignificant.

Building a solid foundation took a lot of “give to get” on both sides. I had to accept his kink nature as a fact….I had to acknowledge it wasn’t something that was going to go away. That he couldn’t just “stop wanting what he wanted”.

He had to accept the fact I could only give him what I was capable of within the bounds of who I am as a person…..he had to respect my limitation and know when I said
“I can do this…….but we have to do it this way”
he had to accept it at that and not push for more…to get it more the way he wanted it. He had to acknowledge I was trying and putting a lot of effort into what he was asking for……even if it didn’t look or sound the way he had hoped it would.

Sadly none of the information my husband thought was gospel encouraged the idea FemDom was a two way street….

That it was a lot of give and take on both sides,

it was a lot more than just

“offering submission and waiting around for her to take control”.

Being submissive is not a passive deed…being submissive is being motivated and involved without the carrot and stick motivation of

“If you do this kink for me…….I’ll be that for you”
~or worse~
“I am doing this for you……so you owe me that kink”

mentality.

I had to get him to see…to understand……for this to work for us…it had to work for me……..and his way wasn’t working for me but I was more than willing to find ways to make it work for me……so it would work for us….but he had to work with me and shoulder the responsibilities that come with being part of a “couple” instead of dropping it all on me…then blaming me when it didn’t work out.

FemDom D/s is an additional facet……

another way…….

to be a couple.

It should enhance who you are as a couple already…not be used to save a relationship that is faltering.

It should be implemented in a way that is fair to both partners…not just to get one something they think they are missing.

It is a “couple effort” ……..it takes two…….. it is team work.

Unless both partners grasp that fact, understand that key component……and are willing to take on the same innate characteristic responsibilities that comes with being a happy, balanced, functioning couple….

A solid, steady D/s foundation will never be established…and it will crush a foundation that didn’t start out solid before the attempt to add the D/s was initiated.

11 Comments
  1. I quite enjoyed the whole post, however, it’s the last that really spoke out to me. Just some background: I’m in a vanilla relationship with a man, and I make all the decisions regarding our mutual life together, not because I necessarily have a desire to do so, but his personality is of one who follows and I am of one who leads. I am also in a BDSM relationship with a different man, a D/s dynamic, in which I am the submissive.

    Upon discovering my predilections via my literature collection and just general discussions, my boyfriend decided he wanted to “surprise me” by trying to put on his “Dom side.” Quite the opposite of your situation, but with the same sort of disastrous results. He saw what he read and tried to emulate it. He tried to force me into a situation in which neither of us had a desire to be in because he saw our relationship heading in a downward direction. He ended up being disgusted with my sexuality and himself. And here we are.

    I relate, on a different spectrum, but I relate. Very glad I found your blog via Lady Feve.

    xoxo

    Like

    • Quote:
      ~~~~~He tried to force me into a situation in which neither of us had a desire to be in because he saw our relationship heading in a downward direction. He ended up being disgusted with my sexuality and himself. And here we are. ~~~~~

      Oh gawd….that put a knot in my gut.

      Kink gone wrong is devastating and hard to come back from.

      It seems to be an even deeper “hellish” hole to fall into as a couple…..then just the standard issue “well hell we got that wrong” stuff that can go wrong for a couple. When our carnal nature is tied up in what blew up…….it is another set of emotions to deal with on top of “just the emotions” that goes with being a couple who needs to make some adjustments.

      I hope you two are on your ay to healing and doing so without more pain in the process.

      I’m glad you feel comfortable here…….that has me breathing a sigh of relief.
      I hope everyone understands I speak from the D side and do so passionately……

      B*U*T——–B*U*T——–B*U*T
      I’m not a single-minded hard-hearted bitch.

      I know up close and personal what it looks like to be the “s” struggling and hurting because things aren’t working for them either. I hope what I say is relatable from either side….and I hope as gruff as I get with the guys who are trying to find a way to get this to work with a “not so much hard wired for BDSM” partner….…….my point isn’t lost in my gruffness. I know this can work…we went to hell and back a few times as a couple …….to get it to work.

      Maybe in the gruffness there’s a message that will save a couple or two from making so many trips to hell before they get it to work.
      *fingers crossed*

      It’s good to have you here and feel free to yell out questions and thoughts when they strike ya! No question is dumb and every thought is worth kicking around.

      Like

  2. I cannot speak for the contents of this book, but Thumper seems to dig it: http://denyingthumper.com/2013/03/31/the-book-on-bottoming/. Thought you might like to check it out, since its directly related to the issue of active participation on *both* ends of the spectrum.

    Like

    • *points above me like I am in a contestant box on the set of Hollywood Squares*

      “Ladies and gentleman…..meet Mrs. Fever…..she is the originator of the nickname I use
      Serendipity McKink…….she has dubbed my main man Monssieur Notasub…and I took to the nics like white on rice…….because they “fit us” like latex gloves!!

      *waits for applause for Mrs. Fever to die down*
      (OH wait…that means I have to stop clapping TOO! 🙂 )

      Yep, yep..I’ve been kinda checking in on thumper since you left me the link and did see his writings on the book.

      I’ve read the book and now that I “understand” the make-up behind why Monssieur Notasub craves what he does………the book made sense…….but I’m not so sure as a “new to the lifestyle” wounded, scared witless wife……. it would have helped me much.

      I would suggest with this book…what I do with all the books that are on the topic of BDSM:

      Before you hand it to a partner to help them “get what it is you are asking for/wanting them to understand” you read it first…….. in fact read it two or three times……

      THEN read it with your partner…..
      At a pace SHE wants to read it……in a non-sexually charged atmosphere ….and let her have time to absorb what she has read.

      Be prepared to answer her questions and hear her out without being defensive and taking her reaction to personal.

      Keep this in mind:
      If she agreed to at least try to read any book on BDSM lifestyles……….she ~IS~ working with you and giving you all she has at that point.

      Be patient with her, this is all new to her.

      You can’t expect he to be able to absorb all of it on a matter of hours. I’m at this 10 years now……..and I still have days I feel overwhelmed and in over my head.

      I’ll always be the one who is trying to acquire the skills I need to be able to fine-tune what I can do……. to and with his kinky hard wiring.

      (Gives Mrs. Fever a *thumbs up and blows her a kiss*
      For giving me a chance me get
      “Be patient and be prepared”
      soap box out)

      Like

      • :: Bows ::

        I was on my own soap box earlier, so props to Fatal (who you have, by now, met for yourself) for dealing with my ‘to hell with lifestyle communities’ speech.

        :: Blows kiss to Fatal ::

        I’m with you on the “how to read a book together” topic. Well stated. 🙂

        And P.S. I sent you an email at the address listed on your Gravatar profile… You may wish to check your spam queue. 😉

        Like

  3. KATHY permalink

    THIS IS A KEEPER,100 % WITH YOU ON THIS.
    THANKS
    KATHY

    Like

    • *WAVES AT KATHY*

      HEY LADY!! GOOD TO SEE YOU ARE STILL WITH US!!!!

      (For anyone wondering why Kathy types in caps,poor eye sight…and man can I relate!! 😉 )

      Like

      • KATHY permalink

        HEY GIRL ALL I HAVE LEARNED IS MOST DOMMIES USE A LONG WORE OUT SCRIPT
        FOR LACK OF A GOOD EMAGINATION,THEY DO NOT SPEAK TO ME,OR FOR ME.I HAVE TOLD MY SUB HE WILL HAVE A DOMME THAT IS ME,ONE WHO KNOWS HIM,I CAN NOT ACT ON ANOTHER PERSONS FEELINGS,EVEN A CHILD GETS BOARD WITH THE SAME OLD STORY EVERY NIGHT,NO WONDER OUR SUBS ARE SUCH BAD LITTLE BOYS.I WOULD BE AS WELL.
        KATHY

        Like

  4. This sounds like a really feminist take on the problem. Reject what society tells you and build a new plan of action based on what works for you.

    Like

    • It was either reject what this part of society was telling me or eject the bone head who kept trying to cram it down my throat ……out of my life.

      The pisser is…when he isn’t overdosed on horny hormones he really is one of the most stable guys on the planet.

      Now days we have stop gaps in place to prevent him from getting so overloaded he goes kink craving stupid…and the one that works best is the simple threat of “Get your shit together or the kink play STOPS.

      He is spoiled enough now days with the amount of kink play he gets…….his worst fear is that I will stop all of it. And he knows since I’m not hard wired for it……I can stop in the blink of an eye and not feel the least built of guilt when he is jonesing like a junkie.

      I know I am the needle for his fix…and I will torment the hell out of him….and let him go thru withdraw just to get my message across.
      And I am that much a non kinky sadist!

      MUUUUUUWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

      Like

  5. Lovely Liz permalink

    I literally shed tears while reading this. I know this was posted YEARS ago now, but I felt compelled to comment.
    My partner in crime and I had entered this kinky journey a little less than a year ago, and have been struggling with a system, rules, play, ALL of it…that work for US.
    I had every SINGLE one of those questions in Google searches, trying to fulfill this request that I had NO CLUE (nor interest at first) of how to begin. I am still struggling to find a balance between kink and us time; what he wants and what I’m able to do; following through with fantasies and ideas…it is HARD work (not too much of a pun).
    I am trying to keep positive through this crazy, sometimes uncomfortable, pleasure-seeking journey. I do not have an overtly dominant bone in my body, and it has been my personal HELL trying to be someone that I hardly identify with. I portray all of the opposite qualities of a mistress or domme, but have been working at small things to build my non-confidence up (which is what this game is all about-confidence).
    As much as I’ve grown, I need all of the encouragement and help I can get. Stumbling across your posts has been a lesson in ‘you’re not alone’- and that makes all the difference sometimes.
    Thanks for being here and having posted so I could read this and not feel so bad about being a submissive in a domme’s too-big-for-me heels.

    Like

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