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Does it really matter if it is a red hot poker?

by on March 24, 2013

I don’t know why it matters to others…..

but for me…..

the reason I spend time trying to dissect the nature of this word…..

is because of the metaphysical form it takes on when used in a discussion about sexual proclivities.

One word…becomes the catalyst for circles-inside-circles-inside circles.

When things were sliding down hill and our life was being turned upside down by this part of his nature…he would always resort to saying to me:

“It isn’t working because you aren’t kinky”

It wasn’t always worded that way……but it always translated to THAT.

And my answer was always:


Who died and made you the tsar of kink and what is or isn’t kinky? Where do you get the right to govern what is or isn’t kink and call the shots for the dynamics for how one is or isn’t kinky?

There are certain things I HAVE TO HAVE…… be aroused….but because they didn’t fit into “his ideal idea” of what is kink….in his mind….they don’t qual as kink.

Because what I NEED………. didn’t involve cucking, butt plugs, whips and chains,chastity, cb6000’s birlocked– gizmos and gadgets—-the whole shebang of BDSM and everything “FemDomish”  and me tweaking HIS domination fetish—–then I wasn’t “kinky—didn’t have any kinks”…….he thought he had a right to make THAT kind of judgment call on MY sexual NEEDS.

That ONE freakin word……is like a hot poker to ram in someone’s eye when a couple can’t find a middle ground to just TALK about the sexual nature of who they are as a couple.

It’s a very frequent and common problematic line of thought for women who get asked to play along to feed kinky wants of their man….if by nature they aren’t hard wired to have an interest in BDSM or other “edgy type” sexual activities.

Many men dismiss their partner’s wants and needs because they don’t respect the fact her “wants and needs” ARE HER KINKS.

In this post:

I come at the topic from a different angle… is still the same topic.

Now flip the coin.

The word hurled in an argument….

from an angry partner….

used in a manner to make the “kinky one feel like a deviant”

“You’re sick! That kink stuff is sick! You’re a pervert! Kink is sickness!”

What the partner doesn’t realize……is they DO HAVE their OWN kinks…..things that have to have to get aroused……the fact that what they want doesn’t fall into the same spectrum as that of their partner….doesn’t mean there is something wrong with their partner….what this partner is doing is no different from what my own husband was doing to me:

Quantifying “kink” in a way that works to make their own argument stronger.

All the sudden the one who owns a set of “kinks” ………… grouped into a wide range of behaviors that are deemed socially unacceptable and could cost a person their job, their marriage, their kids…and…ya see where I am going with this?


I am NOT trying to reinvent the wheel…or make fire more fiery…or water more watery.

My desire to dissect this damn word comes from knowing the damage of what happens to a couple when they don’t both hear the word kink….and think along the same line.

They don’t have to think exactly alike…..but seeing the word in a favorable light, in a way that doesn’t have the partners working against each other……  to have it applied reasonably and respectfully to other partner’s carnal needs and wants…could be a starting point that stops them from ripping each other to shreds.

I wish I could say I never hurled the word kink at my husband in a manner that it left my mouth with the intent of flaming him and causing him agony.

I could tell you I never did…

but I’d be lying…

.and I haven’t lied to this point in this blog…

I’m sure as hell not gonna start now.

From → Dissecting kink

  1. writingthebody permalink

    You are an amazingly kind and thoughtful person…I am sure you realise that our kink is not all there is to us…in fact I know you realise that. You therefore spend a great amount of time trying to understand it, but more importantly trying to find where it is inside you….because as you have discovered, you also have some of those wants and desires. He is a lucky man, really. And the journey you are on is remarkable….and if it works, then you also will be lucky, for he will learn how to be a genuine sub.


    • Dang WTB!
      You are gonna ruin my rep as a nasty black hearted bitch with kind words like that!

      (Typed with a huge *grin and wink* and with a nod and a mouthed “Thank you very much”.)

      I am enthralled by how people work….
      I am as fascinated by his kinky nature as I am maddened by it.

      It helps tremendously …as you put it:
      “our kink is not all there is to us”….that this is true about him.

      This part of who he is just a facet of who he is as a man, father, life mate and human being over all…..and all that made for some damn good material to work with as we both worked to stop the circles inside circles caused by the differences in our sexual natures.

      I know the work…that worked…….wasn’t “just me”……he had to want to make it work as much as I did for it to work…he had to see the value in us as a couple… want to work on it too…..and I count my blessings and lucky stars for that every day.


  2. “things that {they} have to have to get aroused……the fact that what they want doesn’t fall into the same spectrum as that of their partner….doesn’t mean there is something wrong…..”

    I like the idea of visualizing ‘kink’ as a spectrum. A rainbow spectrum. With each color of the rainbow containing its own spectrum of light-to-dark; cloud blue to midnight; pale pink to magenta; aged strawberry to bloodred black. Figuring out how to ride the same rainbow is hard enough. When your colors don’t bleed over into one another, it’s extra work. But work well worth it.


  3. I second what both WTB and Mrs. Fever said…I like the rainbow part, I love colors. I really like how this has got my mind thinking…I know I have “kinks” I also now know my man has “kinks” Now to figure out what his are….I don’t know if he knows. But then there is a part of me that says he has to knows but he 1. is either to embarrassed to tell me or 2. He knows I would not approve (which is scary to me)
    . The reason why 2 is scary to me is the only thing I would not approve of is young…. I have two girls and it took me 6 years to let down my guard completely with him..
    .This is only because .I can accept making the mistake of choosing the wrong person, but I can not accept letting something go and doing nothing,
    they say love is blind, which is bullshit when it comes to our kids and their well being….He has never did anything to make me feel like there could be an issue….And I have watched very closely…
    Then we have number 1…To embarrassed, how can anyone be to embarrassed with me…Shit if anyone should be embarrassed it should be me and I have been for a minute…Like last year the last day of me being 40 I made a video of me playing with myself and put it on a DVD along with other porn and we were watching it…
    I was talking with my mans cousin whom I have known since high school. He and I are a lot a like in our “kinks” he told me that my man really doesn’t know….This could be… If i think about it, and it would explain his ED issue…Some where at some time someone shamed him. Shamed him to the point of not really caring about sex….If I think about it, I can see that in him…He can go along time without having sex and it does not bother him..That doesn’t work for me and we know longer go a month with out sex and I know he isn’t getting it anywhere else, well except the shower,
    So how do I help him figure out his “kinks”
    I would love to indulge him.
    Sorry I am thinking to fast, wow….I really could use some help here any ideas would be fantastic:)


  4. Blog it 🙂
    My voices will be over later to visit your voices 🙂 I’ll brink cookies, cup cakes and Cubano Coffee…all calorie free of course 😉


  5. Oh and crrraaaappp…..multitasking here…meant to


    Mrs. Fever for the rainbow concept…love it…love it….
    Its magically delicious! 🙂


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