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Losing my

by on March 15, 2013

Rose colored glasses.

I remember exactly when it happened…….. when the rose-colored glasses were yanked right off my face…….all these years later…30 + and it is still a knot in my gut sometimes.

We’d been married maybe four weeks….since we met and married within a few weeks…our total time as a couple at this point couldn’t have been more than three months, 12 weeks, 90ish days.

We were getting ready to go out to a party with his coworkers. He made an off the cuff remark about someone he worked with commenting on how hot his wife was and said

“Sharing never bothered me”.

I laughed it off…..for one thing….the guy he was talking about had NO appeal to me….the guy was class A 14 karate jerk…and I thought my husband knew how I felt about the creep….so I assumed if he knew that….then the mention……… HAD to be a joke.

On our way to the party he brought the subject up again and it became clear he wasn’t joking…he was serious….he was fine if I wanted to jump in bed with the guy.

I got sick; I mean as in I thought I was going to vomit on my feet in the floor below me.

How could he want to pass me around like a whore?

Didn’t my body have more value to him than THAT?

What about my health? My wellbeing? How could he think I would want to sport fuck?

Did this mean he wanted an open marriage? Was he telling me this so he could fuck around too?

I had already started to clue into the fact when it came to sex he wasn’t like the farm boys I had been playing around with.

He knew things they didn’t….he did things in bed that shocked me…but once the shock wore off I enjoyed what he did too and with me in bed…but this….wasn’t about just us…this was about other people and us….in our marriage bed.

(Yeah there’s a moral issue here…for me……..but another topic for another time)

I couldn’t handle the idea of him being with other women….that alone was gutting me…..I couldn’t think past that to give much thought to the fact he was willing to pass me around to his buddies.

The conversation stopped when we got the party and I spent most of the evening outside hiding from the crowd. As it was I didn’t know many of the people…they were his friends…not mine. I was scared to death the creep he spoke of was going to find me and tell me my husband told him it was okay for him to fuck me.

I was a complete mess by the time we left the party and I had a catastrophic melt down on the way home…by the time we got home…..I wanted out of the marriage and as far away from him as I could get.

He tried to talk to me…but I didn’t want to talk………I just wanted the fuck O*U*T!

BY early morning he’d worn me down and fatigue had set in…so I agreed to talk…but even as tired as I was……it was more me hammering him with questions and telling him he was out of his fucking mind….he didn’t say much but then I didn’t give him much of an opportunity to say anything.

At some point I fell asleep on the sofa and didn’t wake up until late that evening and there he was…..waiting to talk more.

I didn’t want to talk because there was NO WAY he was going to talk me into this.

He didn’t try so much to talk me into it as he tried to explain what he meant.

(He didn’t try to talk me into it…but he didn’t say much that made me think he was keen on the idea of not trying to talk me into if I gave him an opening)

He assured me he had NOT told the guy he could “have a go at his hot wife”….but the comment had aroused him and he did think about what it would be like for me to sleep with other men.

He guaranteed me he was not interested in an open marriage he didn’t not want to sleep with other women.

He told me he would never bring it up again…and being the stupid awe-struck head-over-heels in love fool I was………I took him at his word.

I don’t so much regret that I took him at his word.

But……it should have been a wakeup call to the fact when his kinks were ruling his head(s) he was going to be a handful to deal with.

I told him then and there……. that it wasn’t going to happen……but that wasn’t the end of the story and it did come back up…when the kink beast was trying to eat him alive from the inside out, and over time we found ways to deal with it…manage it..and yep…now days he is a full blown cuck.

I didn’t have the name for what he wanted way back then…much less understand what was behind that fetish want. Now days…I know now  that  fetish goes hand in hand with the domination fetish.

NOT every man wants to be cucked…but every man who wants to be cucked…has some type of domination fixation.

Someone said one time I was making an excuse for his bad behavior…..

by defending WHY and HOW this kink stuff could turn our lives upside down out of nowhere.

If that’s how it looks to some…so be it. I don’t care.

 I know it isn’t……. because I know that part of him is ONLY a small part of who he is.

He has much more to him than just the kink beast in his soul and the kink beast wasn’t always making our life miserable and crazy. I know how he wrangles this part of who he is…how hard he has worked ns still works to keep it from becoming the ruling force in our life all the time.

There’s been a lot more(oddels and odddels)  kink pop out of his soul in all the years……and we have always managed to find a way to wrangle it…as a couple…….and as much as some of it shocked me……and sometimes had me telling him he was out of his fucking mind……that first kink…was the whopper……a doozy…the biggest one that has ever popped out so many there’s a twisted warp blessing in that one being the first one…from that point on……he could shock and piss me off….but he couldn’t push me off a cliff.

From → Back Story

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