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Money can’t buy it.

by on March 3, 2013

What do you want the end result of the negotiation to be?

What do you want your compensation to be?

Me….my initial foray into negotiation:

I was looking for a way to stop my husband’s kink urges from ruling our sex life and turning our overall life upside down and for him to give me the space to learn and understand what it was he was asking for. He had to back the hell off.

Some FYI:

Most people aren’t aware of the fact that Pro Dommes go through an apprenticeship.  They work with experienced Dommes to learn how to refine their BDSM skills as they develop their own flair as a Domme. They aren’t just taught how to wield a whip or how to use a strap-on or perform the infinite activities in the world of BDSM. They are trained how to do these things safely. They are taught how to be aware of the clients’ safety at all times.

No BDSM establishment worth its salt would let someone walk in off the street and start dominating clients without some kind of education and a mentor guiding them, but this is exactly what men expect when they ask a partner to be the Domme and what’s worse they start asking every internet Tom, Dick and Harry to teach her.

Let’s call a spade a spade

“Teach my wife to be my Domme” or “My wife wants to learn how to be my Domme”

is code for tell her what to do and how to do it to me.

That had to stop…and it was the first thing I dropped on the arbitration table to put an end to when I started thinking negotiation was something we had to get in place.

The first payment—the down payment for future services as his Domme——-was his emotional investment instead of his sexual engagement in our D/s relationship.

My first demand when it came to compensation for my services rendered:

I wanted him to grasp the fact what he was asking of me was a lot of work for me and there was going to be a learning curve and he had to be patient as I learned and got comfortable.

I wanted him to respect the fact this is not my nature and whatever I choose to do in the vein of BDSM, D/s and FemDom is a learned task.  I can learn anything—— but I can only perform—- inside the bounds that my own body and mind will allow me. No amount of training is going to get me passed my own personal core limitations.

The compensation for what I was offering when I sat down to negotiate and hear him out was him respecting my limitations and boundaries.

What he was offering at this point in time—-the only thing he was offering —–was to be my slave. That had nothing in it for me, I don’t want a slave. The “slave offering” only served to stoke and stroke his libido. Before negotiation could go any farther he had to give up the notion that getting BDSM play was going to be as easy of doing the dishes or folding laundry. He had to come to terms with the fact it was going to take some emotional gut work from him, he was going to have to learn to think past what felt “good” and made him feel all horny and subby and really pay attention to what I wanted from him and what I wanted from him didn’t make him horny…..in fact what I wanted from him pissed him off because it got in the way of him getting what he wanted.

Unless he was willing to compensate me in the manner I requested…there was no point in going any farther with negotiation to allow him to work his way into getting the things he wanted.

My time and effort has a value and I get to determine what that value is. The value isn’t dependent on what he wants to “offer me” it is dependent on what I need to feel “compensated” for what I do for him that is not in my nature.

2 Comments
  1. Learning something that is outside of our nature is not an easy task. In some ways it can be down right exhausting, leaving you weak and tired. What do you want from him? What can he do to give you the energy you need to be able to give him what he wants? What makes you feel a live? I don’t mean to ask so many questions, but what I hear you saying is yes you love your man, yes you want to make him happy. You are smart enough not to fall pray to his web which means you have a backbone. He said he will be your slave which does nothing for you. And folding laundry and doing dishes is part of being a partner, not a slave. I am just thinking out loud here.
    You know what he wants and you know what you do not want. But what do you want…Just some food for thought. What gives you that bounce in your step? He said he will be your slave, so use that for that extra bounce you need. Even these questions feel exhausting….
    Do you play around with aroma therapy at all? Smells can induce a lot of positive things in us. Help clear the mind, help you find your bounce again. I really like ylang ylang. it is one of my favorite essential oils. There are so many. Frankincense is another one I like. Again just some food for thought.

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  2. Sarah you make me smile, I think you and I think a lot alike. No need for apologies, questions are good! I am an inquisitive five year old trapped in a 50 something body, I am prone to using a rapid fire style of questioning that drives my family bonkers some days, but hey I get the information I need! So never worry about asking me too many questions, just don’t be surprised if I end up answering your questions with question. 😉

    I managed to find balance and survive what my husband’s kink nature was doing to us as a couple because I asked questions and questioned the answers I got.

    My husband and I have found a solid balance in the kink area of our relationship. He is no longer a drain on my mental or emotional state, in fact his kink has become another common interest for us to share and enjoy as a couple.

    It has become another facet in the dynamic of who we are as a couple and I hope by telling our story —-the good, the bad and the ugly—– other couples can learn how to find some balance and peace.

    Like

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