In the beginning……
In the beginning……(typed with a smirk)
That makes me laugh out loud…so loud…. it has my husband peering down his nose and passed his glasses at me with that “What?” look on his face.
It’s not humor that makes me laugh……
It is the fact there were so many beginnings for us when it comes to the kink factor…I don’t even know which one start with.
My husband and I were (still are) “in sync” about everything in our life but the kink, from day one.
We discussed things and came to common ground resolution fairly quick and easy.
I hate the way this sounds—but it is the only way to word it:
More often than not….. he acquiesced(still does) to me and let my decision be the final word AFTER discussing whatever the matter at hand was. It was never him just giving in and letting me have my way, it was about we did see eye to eye more than we didn’t.
The kids, the house, the household finances…he trusted me to do the right thing because he trusted my judgment.
The place I don’t have final say in our relationship is with our business and that is by mutual choice. I don’t always agree with the decisions he makes in that part of our life but it is the one place I will step off and let him lead because he has the better handle on how things need to be. He does discuss things with me and he does weigh everything I say but in the end….his word if the final word.
When it came to the kink……
We don’t even come close to looking or sounding like the couple I just typed away about.
It started out with him dropping his fetish urges on me one here and there…over the years and me trying to figure out how to make them work.
I was game to try; the problem was never with the kink, it was with the way he could be when trying to get it in play and trying to get it his way.
There was no negotiation back then it was him saying
“Here let’s try this”…….
Then me trying to make it work and that—– more often than not—– failed miserably because we are on such opposite ends of the kink spectrum…..lot of years of that kind of up and down.
The summer of 2004:
He dropped the idea of FemDom on me……he did it with a B.A.D. book….and with buying bondage gear that scared the holy hell out of me.
Years of dealing with his kink nature and not once did he mention and interest in being on the receiving end of BDSM…..late summer 2003……we tried me being his sub….that DID NOT work…….it only lasted about two weeks……he’s lucky he lived thru that little M/s BDSM experiment.
Back to the summer of 2004……
The book he gave me was useless because nothing in the way it talked about the lifestyle appealed to me…but he kept pushing it…telling me this would help me help him.
I love the man..I am stupid head over heels in love with him.
When his kinks aren’t making an absolute idiot out of him……no one could ask for a better partner. I didn’t want my marriage to end….it’s a great marriage we make a damn good couple. I wanted to find a way to make the kink part of us work..and yes at times that made me stupid and desperate.
If this “FemDom stuff” was a way to get this part of our life sorted out, well hell….I was gonna be all over it like white on rice.
It took four more years and just flat-out fate……for us to find some GOOD SOLID REAL LIFE –kids, bills, bad hair days, stopped up kitchen sink– ADVICE on how to make this work.
That advice came from someone who has been in the lifestyle about as long as I have been married…..and she is in the life style because it is her nature, not because someone introduced her.
She was the extra pair of eyes and the voice of reason I needed to help me see what was in this for me and to help me understand all the bullshit my husband had been feeding me under the guise of “FemDom”.
She clued into the fact pretty quick:
He wasn’t interested so much in being a submissive…he was more about being dominated and made me feel SANE!
She got what I was saying to him–trying to get him to hear me and understand me…she understood—-when I started rambling about what my husband said…and how his actions did not match up with what he said he wanted.
She ~*never*~ told me “how to” or “what to” do.
She didn’t try to talk me into or out of anything.
She helped me sort thru the mess of knots I had in my gut over what my husband was asking for…..explained terms I didn’t know or had never heard of.
She answered my questions and gave me an education about the lifestyle…. not an indoctrination into the life style.
She taught me about hard limits, SSC and RACK…..she took the fear out of ideas and toys that scared the living hell out of me….and that is a short, short, short list of what she taught me…I could write pages and pages of what she taught me…and before all is said and done……. no doubt I will.
She helped me understand WHY my husband craved the things he did…the “organic science”.
She taught me that there is no one way to be a FemDom, it is not a one size fits all way of life and that it was about following my own bliss…not chasing it in order to keep my husband happy.
She taught me how to find my OWN path to negotiating a FemDom life style that worked for both my husband and me.
Sometime in 2010….the idea of negotiation started looking more and more like a “have to have this” to stop a lot of the head cracking that was going on between my husband and me……and that’s when I started testing out ways to negotiate that worked for us. I couldn’t have gotten to that point with out the fact based education I got from someone who knew the lifestyle from the inside and talked to me…not at me…..and did so without the porn influence.
And to avoid a wall of words ( tooooooooooooooooooooooooooo late……I know) and also because I have my husband giving me the
“I’m starving can we go get dinner now!”
stink eye……
How I figured that out and put to use “D/S negotiation” will have to wait for a bit.
The Suburban Domme 
My husband told me for us to be a real master and slave I have to tell him what to do and how to act and slaves should not have any say in how the master treats them. I do not want to be his master. I am trying to learn about this. I would like to learn how to talk about this but he keeps telling me that me being his master I have to make him do stuff to me that I can’t negotiate with him because he is a slave. He said if I don’t tell him what to do and be mean to him when I tell him, like yell and hit him and stuff then it really is not me being the master. Is this really how masters and slaves do bdsm?
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Hi Lyndie,
I can’t say how “masters and slaves” do BDSM because there is no one way to use BDSM.
What your husband is asking for is a common theme in “FemDom media”.
Of all the people I know who do have some kind of BDSM in their lives; they do not live it the way your husband is asking for. No doubt there are some people who do. I’m not saying they don’t, I am saying I don’t know anyone who does.
Do you have any idea where he got his “concept” about master’s and slaves?
My guess, your husband has done what my own did, he’s got his ideas of what master slave BDSM is from the porn he looks at and the stories he reads. My husband “imprinted” on things that turned him on and he wanted me to do those things to him and he thought by telling me he was my slave would make it easier for me to want to do the things he wanted.
Is he willing to talk to you, discuss things or does he just want to tell you how to do things?
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I know that he looks at porn that has bdsm. He likes for me to watch porn with him. He has showed me that bdsm porn few times and asked me what I thought of it. I don’t really like it. I like looking at porn but that kind doesn’t turn me on. He gets upset with me when I tell him I don’t like that kind of porn. When I try to talk to him about why I don’t like that kind of porn he gets mad and stops talking to me. I told him I will watch porn with him but not that kind. I told him I would try to do the things he wants me to do but I cannot do them mean. He told me if I cannot be mean when I do it, it will not work. I do not know what to do because I know that I cannot be mean. When I try to talk to him he keeps telling me I need to yell at him what I want to say if I want him to pay attention, then he will listen to me. He told me I need to be mean if I want him to talk about it.
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Lyndie,
What I am going to say is blunt, so please understand I am not being cruel. Your husband has no idea what being a “slave” means and he is being a bully by demanding you do what he wants.
I’m looking at what you wrote and thinking your husband is a masochistic fetishist.
There’s no way there’s room in the reply section for me explain it. I’ll try to explain it to you in a post as best I can.
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I did not think you were mean. I am glad to have someone I can say these things to. Thank you for taking the time to help me. I have been reading all of your blog today and I am glad I found it. I think my husband is like your husband because he gets really stupid when he is horny.
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