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How do I….

by on February 16, 2013

Ask my partner to explore FemDom and BDSM with me?

There’s a sort of running joke amongst my FemDom associates that the first person who comes up with the pat answer that WORKS to that question will be an instant billionaire.

To date, there is no pat answer to that question.

It is a topic that has been hashed to the nth degree with the ones I know in the lifestyle and at least once every 24ish hours we all encounter someone asking that very question.

The odds are 10 to one that the asker is male, but we do get the occasional woman who asks….they all get the same answer in different fashions…..from a diverse group of FemDom folk:

Be honest and up front….but do some soul-searching before you ask and be prepared for answers you don’t want to hear and questions that you need to be able to answer. Know what you are talking about and don’t expect the partner to “just get it.”

That said:

I won’t address the female factor asking in a male partner…not my wheelhouse, but if this is something you are searching for answers for, speak up, I will find factual information for you.

I am speaking to the male populace here.

Think about your partner’s personality in realistic terms.

Don’t assume because she “likes this certain thing-she likes to play kinky a little once in a while in the bedroom” the lifestyle over all is going to be an easy got for them to swallow or attempt.

A woman being dominant and aggressive in her everyday life isn’t an indicator that she will be comfortable with the concept, with the notion of grabbing a whip and donning a pleather cat suit, nine-inch thigh high boots, strapping on a strap-on, force you into lace panties and onto yourhands and knees and start ordering you around like a bad untrained dog.

Food for thought…..

Questions to ponder and answer here or on your own in a quiet spot.

*Do YOU understand what it means to offer submission and be a submissive? Do you realize it is more than just letting her turn your kinks on you? That being submissive is a state of mind and action…and actions speak louder than words?

* Are her moral convictions going to contrast with what you have in mind? They are hers and she is entitled to them.

*Have you tried to bring up the topic in the past and had it spiral out of control? You used the wrong materials to “show her” what you wanted or maybe you said to many wrong things? Can you find another way to approach the subject that won’t start a fight or leave her feel like she is being badgered?

*What if she says yes but isn’t on board with everything you want or the way you want it? Are you willing to let her do it her way and accept you got something…but not everything and be happy about it? Will you be more obsessed with what you don’t have over what you do have?

*Are you willing to dial back what you want and let her catch up, find her own footing and set the path and pace for both of you WITHOUT getting moody and pissy because she isn’t doing it your way or fats enough or hard enough..or-or-or?

*Do you grasp the concept of NOT grooming her to be the Domme but letting her groom you to be the submissive she wants you to be, in the way she wants to groom you?

*Do you understand that you have had years to sort thru what you want when it comes to BDSM and FemDom she has only had a short time to start processing what you have brought up and you need to back the hell off and let her process the information?

*Do you recognize what it turns out to be may look nothing like what you have in your head(s) because she can’t “see what you see” when you think about the whole idea and she’s never going to see it exactly the way you do?

*Just how willing are you to “give up control” when she isn’t using the control the way you want her to?

Did this get you thinking or did it just create more questions for you?

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The Suburban Domme Living with a (semi) submissive man

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