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Understanding…..

by on February 15, 2013

That single word has many applications.

Type it into a word processing program, then use the thesaurus.

You end up with a massive list of words that can be used in place of the word understanding.

Depending on the application needed, the word to use in place of understanding may be comprehension, might be appreciation is the word that is needed or sympathy and empathy would be the better choice.

As a I worked my way thru the maze of trying to understand the my husband’s kinky nature…I ran through pretty much every word my thesaurus has.

I will never understand as in comprehending this part of his nature because I don’t possess these feelings.

I know these feelings are as real as any other sensations/emotions/sentiments he feels. I know these feelings extend far beyond his sexual nature. It took me a long time to understand as in comprehend this is more than a “Sex thing” for him.

That, I did comprehend because I watched how this part of who he is tore him apart for the reason that he knew this part of who he is caused me a lot of grief because this is not my nature. I cannot grasp the concept of craving the things he craves.

We both had to come to terms with, an agreement of sorts I will never understand as in comprehend how he feels about what he craves.

He has had to learn to understand me as in appreciate I am not nor will I ever see BDSM the way he does.

I have had to learn to understand as in being empathetic and compassionate.

We have had to both learn to be understanding in the manner of being patient with each other.

So the end result comes down to you don’t have to “comprehend” to understand your partner.

You do owe each other the deference of being empathetic with each other’s feelings.

This can be hard to do when one partner feels they are being disregarded, that their feelings are being trivialized.

This happens on both sides.

He doesn’t understand why she won’t try.

She doesn’t understand why he wants the things he asks for.

My husband and I rarely argue.

This isn’t to say we never disagree. We are both head strong dominant people in our everyday life. We do disagree but we have no trouble giving each other respect and consideration and working together to find a common ground solution to whatever it is we disagree about.

In all the years we have been married every and the only arguments we have had that did spin out of control to the point of saying hateful, hurtful, ugly things is directly connected to the lack of respect we offered each other on the topic kink.

His kink nature scared the hell out of me confused and made me feel bad about myself. It made me feel like a failure as his sex partner and it made me feel like I was just the body in the bed. That me, as a woman had no value to him.

I could not comprehend how the man who was so respectful and so adoring as a husband, the father of our kids, as a business partner could become such a self-centered aggressive bully when it came to the kink matters.

He could not comprehend how wanting me to participate in this part of his nature was such an affront to who I am as a strong confidant woman.

It took us both stopping the efforts to understand via “comprehension” and use empathy and consideration to understand and find a place where we could respect each other’s natures and rethink the whole process of how we addressed the topic of kink.

Once we both accepted the fact neither one of us would ever comprehend how the other felt it put us in the position of being able to hear each other rather than feel like we needed to defend our position on the subject.

I will never understand why he craves what he craves but I can empathize with him, be considerate of the very real and very strong emotions he feels in regard to his kink nature,  as he works with me to find ways to adapt his kinky nature to work for us as a couple.

He will never understand why I can’t just go gung-ho into the world he wants so badly to be part of every day, every moment and why this part of him has had such a negative impact on my own self-worth. He can have compassion for my nature and be considerate of my feelings.

This was a conscious choice we both had to make. It was something we had to say out loud to each other and we have to remind each other of this choice daily.

When trying to integrate

this lifestyle into an existing relationship….

it is a two-way street.

You can’t be Domme or sub until you learn to be empathetic, deferential and appreciate the struggles the other person is dealing with.

The key for us wasn’t demanding that one or the other “understand” it was that we stop trying to force each other to understand and comprehend because the truth is…we will never understand/comprehend each other in this part of who we are. But we can understand the need to be compassionate and considerate with each other.

What I feel and think has no more significance, no more merit than what he thinks and feels in the spectrum of who we are as a couple. What he wants and crave has no more importance than who we are as a couple in or out of the bedroom.

But these things together are important and significant to our happiness as a couple.

3 Comments
  1. Kathy permalink

    HI,I AM JUST GETTING INTO THIS WITH MY HUSBAND TO BE,WHILE WE ARE MUCH OLDER.AND HAVE SEEN MUCH OF LIFE,HE IS DIVORCED, I AM A WIDOW. HE TELLS ME
    I AM THE SWEETEST PERSON ON EARTH,BUT YET HE WANTS ME TO KICK HIM,SPIT ON HIM
    HURT HIM AS MUCH AS I CAN. WE MET ON LINE AND HAVE NOT BEEN TOGETHER YET.
    LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING I READ ABOUT PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO SUCK TOES,BOTH WOMEN AND MEN,THAT I TIE INTO THIS.
    WHILE DOING RESEARCH ON PAIN ON MISSING LIMBS,THEY FOUNDTHAT THE FONDNESS
    OF TOES ,AND FOOT WORSHIP COMES FROM THE WAY THE BRAIN IS WIRED,THIS WAS SHOWN TO HAPPEN ON THE PERSONS RIGHT UPPER PART OF THE BRAIN. THESE FEELINGS ARE REAL,AND THE PASSION AND LOVE THE PERSONS FEELS DURING THIS
    KIND OF LOVEMAKING IS VERY REAL.
    I AM VERY SOFT NATURED,AND FEAR DOING HURTFUL THINGS TO SOMEONE I LOVE. I HOPE I CAN KEEP IN MIND THAT HIS FEELINGS ARE TRUE. JUST DO NOT WANT SOMEONE
    TO PICK FIGHT WITH ME TO GET PUNSHED,NOW THAT IS HURTING ME,I WAS HIS SUB FOR AWHILE,HE WAS LOVING AND FAIR,OR I WOULD GO NO FARTHER WITH HIM.HE DOES HAVE BAD FEELINGS ABOUT HISELF,I TRULY WISH TO GIVE HIM WHAT HE NEEDS.

    Like

    • Hi Kathy,
      I have to admit you made me chuckle a bit with the comment about being older. Not because I found it funny, I chuckled because I relate to it! 😉

      My husband and I are both in our 50’s and some days we both look at each other and go
      “What the hell are two old farts like us doing trying to act like sex crazed youngsters?!?”
      We feel the ravages of age in our bones but our libidos and brains are still firing like we are the sex crazed youngsters we used to be!

      The body ages but the libido and the parts of our brain that keeps that libido buzzing and young STILL sends the same messages that it did when we were younger!

      My husband and I joke that we will be that crazy couple in the retirement home that all the nurses’ gossip about and call dirty old perverts!(Typed with a big cheesy grin and a peal of belly laughter!)

      You have so much information here in your reply; I hope you won’t mind that I am going to address your reply with a blog, because you did strike many chords with me.

      You’d commented on the blogging some months ago while it lay dormant, I was glad to see you were still with me when I found this reply. I don’t know that I have any answer for you but maybe I can help you find your footing in this lifestyle and start on a wonderful path with your partner.

      Like

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The Suburban Domme

The Suburban Domme Living with a (semi) submissive man

O Miss Pearl

Non-professional perspective femdom & kink with awesome erotica.

Elene Sallinger

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