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For Kathy

by on February 15, 2013

This is a reply to the blog I left about understanding:

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HI,I AM JUST GETTING INTO THIS WITH MY HUSBAND TO BE,WHILE WE ARE MUCH OLDER.AND HAVE SEEN MUCH OF LIFE,HE IS DIVORCED, I AM A WIDOW. HE TELLS ME
I AM THE SWEETEST PERSON ON EARTH,BUT YET HE WANTS ME TO KICK HIM,SPIT ON HIM
HURT HIM AS MUCH AS I CAN. WE MET ON LINE AND HAVE NOT BEEN TOGETHER YET.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING I READ ABOUT PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO SUCK TOES,BOTH WOMEN AND MEN,THAT I TIE INTO THIS.
WHILE DOING RESEARCH ON PAIN ON MISSING LIMBS,THEY FOUNDTHAT THE FONDNESS
OF TOES ,AND FOOT WORSHIP COMES FROM THE WAY THE BRAIN IS WIRED,THIS WAS SHOWN TO HAPPEN ON THE PERSONS RIGHT UPPER PART OF THE BRAIN. THESE FEELINGS ARE REAL,AND THE PASSION AND LOVE THE PERSONS FEELS DURING THIS
KIND OF LOVEMAKING IS VERY REAL.
I AM VERY SOFT NATURED,AND FEAR DOING HURTFUL THINGS TO SOMEONE I LOVE. I HOPE I CAN KEEP IN MIND THAT HIS FEELINGS ARE TRUE. JUST DO NOT WANT SOMEONE
TO PICK FIGHT WITH ME TO GET PUNSHED,NOW THAT IS HURTING ME,I WAS HIS SUB FOR AWHILE,HE WAS LOVING AND FAIR,OR I WOULD GO NO FARTHER WITH HIM.HE DOES HAVE BAD FEELINGS ABOUT HISELF,I TRULY WISH TO GIVE HIM WHAT HE NEEDS.

***********************************************************

If Kathy and I were playing the game “Battle Ship” almost every word in her reply would have been direct hits on my own “ships”.

Kathy made such a direct hit on my own history that I felt I couldn’t do justice to her words in a comment reply.

The only thing here that wasn’t a direct hit was the way she and her partner met but the rest of it, lord-lord……..on my side of the board the voices were yelling

“ABANDON  SHIP! WE’VE BEEN HIT!”

Kathy,

I am glad to see that you have some understanding (comprehension) of the nature of the man you love, that you see that what he craves is as much a part of him as breathing is. That will be a valuable tool as you work your way thru this maze because where you can’t “understand/comprehend” you will be able to “understand/empathize” and that will help you avoid getting caught in a downward spiral of

“What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get this? And why does it have to be this way? What’s wrong with him? Why does he need this stuff?”

Fact is there is nothing wrong with either one of you.

Some of us are cerebrally hard wired for BDSM play,

some of us aren’t.

These things become an issue when they cause a couple to be at odds with each other or the urge for such things causes us to exhibit behaviors that are unsafe to ourselves and has a fall out effect on others.

The fall out can range from aggravated stress between the couple to ripping the couple apart at the seam, damaging the foundation of the core relationship. If the core relationship/foundation isn’t solid, adding BDSM in any form may not bode well for the couple.

This is the angle I am approaching the topic from.

(For anyone who might stumble into this and be caught in the effects of dangerous behaviors and searching for answer/help, SPEAK UP! Use the comment section to ask for help. I won’t touch the topic but I do have vetted and verified contacts that can help me get you the information you need.)

From the reply:

HE TELLS ME
I AM THE SWEETEST PERSON ON EARTH,BUT YET HE WANTS ME TO KICK HIM,SPIT ON HIM
HURT HIM AS MUCH AS I CAN.

Getting past the fear of hurting the one who asks us to be the dominant is a huge hurdle.

The key factors in making this work, getting over this hurdle for us as a couple was him understanding/empathizing with my hesitation and limitation with pain and humiliation play because it is not in my core make up to cause any kind of pain be it physical or emotional for anyone. My core being, my inborn nature is built around trying to alleviate such things NOT cause them.

I had to understand/empathize with the fact, for him these things are not painful but things he derives much pleasure from. These things bring on a euphoric high for him. I had to understand/empathize with the fact by causing what I saw as pain was actually alleviating pain for him.

You will both need to step back and adjust your thinking process when it comes to the aspect of who you are as a couple. You will need to stop thinking in terms of “pain and hurting him” and he will need to stop thinking he needs it “hard-harder and hardest”.

Unless he has some past experience with pain play in the real world chances are his pain threshold is not nearly as high as he imagines it is.

Depending on the pain threshold of the submissive—— pain of any kind—— in this spectrum is not agonizing.

You will need to determine where your sub’s pain threshold is.

My own husband had this idea he had the ability to withstand things that were just unrealistic. But the real shock came when I discovered just how high his pain threshold is from the waist down. It isn’t as high as he told me it would be but it at a point it is a challenge for me to be able to find the capacity to issue as much as he craves.

START SLOW AND EASY.

ONLY DO WHAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE BEGS FOR MORE.

It is part of his job as your submissive to take what you have to offer and be thankful. He has to learn to be patient and respect your limits if he wants to call himself you’re submissive. Anything other than that is out of the “submissive” continuum. He becomes a “bottom” and turns you into a “service top”.

I have found my husband needs a buildup period so the biological chemical stew that starts working on the body of a masochist has some time to get the levels up high enough that it has a chance to keep up with the pain being issued.

Back to the reply.

HE DOES HAVE BAD FEELINGS ABOUT HISELF.

This is an ugly can of worms to open, but it is one that must be opened and dumped out on the table and sorted through.

Quiet often what caused the arguments between us were his own chaotic feelings about this part of who he is as my partner and who he is as a man, many of his urges fly directly in the face of being a hetero -alpha pissing male. This in itself is a topic that I do plan to address in the near future so please understand though my answer here to you is brief; I do realize I am just touching the tip of the iceberg on this one. It is a topic I still do not fully comprehend and still have my own questions about.

SO(may-be- not- so -short) shorthand version:

My husband:

His own misgivings, his own negative opinion of who he is in this nature came to the surface as raging anger. He wasn’t angry with me, he was angry with the way he felt, that fact he felt like there was something wrong with him and the way this part of his nature had such a negative impact on me and my desires for him and my sex partner.

It took some time and a lot of “gut work” to help him move past some of these feelings. I say some because I don’t think he will ever fully rid of the most basic part of the feelings. A lot of the feelings were exacerbated by my own reaction to each kin as they popped out and blew up in my face. My own misgivings and apprehension with this part of who he is, my own fears always surface initially as anger and frustration. I didn’t help matters much and I did add to his feelings that what he wanted was “wrong or not normal”.

It was a nightmare circle inside a circle we had to put a stop to before we could move forward and process these feelings.

We had to admit to each other we had both caused damage, accept responsibility for our own actions, for the damage we had done to each other and then admit the anger wasn’t meant for each other, the anger was a mixture of our own misgivings about ourselves and what we felt for the others needs or lack of understanding each other’s needs.

This helped HIM to start being more at ease with his own kinky nature and find a way to be comfortable in his own skin as a masochist. The more comfortable he became with who he is the less angry he was and the more we were able to have a truthful dialogue about his kinky nature that didn’t blow up into a huge war. We no longer felt the need to be in a defensive mode when talking about the subjects that are encompassed when trying to find a middle ground on the slippery slope of being a kink lopsided couple.

THIS was the start of building a solid foundation for incorporating the D/s aspect into our relationship. It was not THE START…it was ANOTHER START after many attempts and many false starts at getting this lifestyle to work for both of us.

Again from the reply:

JUST DO NOT WANT SOMEONE
TO PICK FIGHT WITH ME TO GET PUNSHED,NOW THAT IS HURTING ME.

This is a hard and fast ~*NO GO*~ for me.

I will not be manipulated into”do me your best Domme” domming my husband.

This was something he did in our first attempts to get things in place and this behavior had to come to a screeching HALT!

In my own personal experience and thru conversations with other women who have been asked into the lifestyle by their partner:

With a hard-core (smart assed or not)masochist…… this type of thought process on the man’s part…….sets up a nightmare game of tit for tat and constant strain on the Domme.

The Domme will feel defeated

and feel like “being the Domme”

is a chore

and too much work to put the effort into it!!

SHE WILL burn out, flame out and crash!

I do not use BDSM or D/s as “punishment”.

I use it strictly as a reward for being a good and decent partner……not just being a well-behaved submissive.

If this is what your man wants, I highly suggest you start negotiation for HOW the BDSM and D/s will be in play in your relationship staring with how much and HOW you will implement the BDSM play based on your own needs and limitations.

I used to say I don’t use the BDSM and D/s to train…but the truth is…..I do.

I have trained him to be a better submissive by using the BDSM and D/s as positive reinforcement for good behavior.

He has learned:

Pushing my buttons

to get BDSM styled punishments

by not doing what I ask,

by messing up a task or picking a fight,

will get him nothing.

These are not my urges, I can live without them.

I can hold out until hell freezes over if need be.

I can hold out a hell of a lot longer not using BDSM then he can hold out going without BDSM.

He will never win a stand-off blinking match on this matter.

He will always blink first.

He has learned I do not/will not play when I am angry or frustrated so it behooves him to NOT make me angry and to toe the lines I draw in the D/s sand as fast as he can and make sure he isn’t irritating me or making me angry.

And now it is time for me to shut down my key board on this blog because it has become a wall of words.

Kathy,

I hope you found some peace of mind in the wall of words. Please don’t be shy about adding your own thoughts or asking questions. If anything isn’t clear, speak up, I’ll be glad to hash it with you until it is clear for you.

Same goes for anyone who stumbles into this blog.

2 Comments
  1. Linda permalink

    I’m glad I found this blog before I found some of the others. Your advice makes absolute sense to me.

    Like

  2. Hi Linda,
    It always makes me smile when someone lets me know they got “something” out of our story. Thank you for taking the time to comment! Please feel free to share your own thoughts and ask question. 🙂

    Like

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