Lingo Bingo: Hot Topics!

A round of “hot topic” Lingo Bingo that is sure to put me in the hot seat.

Soooooooooooooo hang on while I gather and get on my “being in the hot seat” gear.

*Dons flame retardant pleather cat suit

and low heeled thigh high stall mucking boots*

*holds

“semantic spewing hobgoblin-be-gone”

spray in one hand and a

“stomp out the flamers”

fire extinguisher in the other*

This might be a wall of words marathon game of Lingo Bingo.

I start typing a blog and realize the “lingo” I am using may not be “new to the FemDom BDSM” world friendly as in they  read the word, may even know the word, but have no idea what the application is in the world of BDSM.

I apologize in advance for the fact it may feel like a crash course.

And my standard this blog is about “FemDom in another form” disclaimer and I am not speaking for the world of BDSM…I am speaking in a limited scope based on my own experiences and from chatting with others who live a FemDom lifestyle and some who wish to live it.

The definitions based on my own observations and my tunnel vision is in full swing.

Please feel free to ask for a more in-depth explanation or add your thoughts.

“domme/domming/dommed:

The process of being dominated.

Top:

The dominant part of D/s.

Tops come in all ranges.

From a Mistress or Domme who wishes to be in control and have the upper hand and not be told “how to be the dominant”…to someone who enjoys the thrill BDSM topping and may not mind being told how to dominant. To women like me who are cultivating my abilities as a Top because my partner craves BDSM.

There’s no right or wrong way to be the dominant as long as the dominant always keeps in mind it is their responsibility to make sure the bottom isn’t harmed.

Bottom:

The one who wants to be dominated:

Bottoms also come in all ranges…..and in that range is the submissive and the slave range.

There is no right or wrong way to be the bottom as long as the top is happy with the way the bottom requests to bottom. And the bottom should never forget they hold a share of responsibly for their own well-being as well as that of their top.

It can be hard to sort one from the other and it can become a hot button topic…… so for the purposes of illumination on how a couple trying to get the D/s lifestyle to work for them…I am addressing the subject with a that in mind.

When it comes to bottoms:

Some want their own urges to be in play without a lot of consideration for the Top’s desires.  They don’t derive pleasure from being a submissive or a slave, their pleasure comes from having someone “use them” for BDSM domination.

I find often many men who ask a partner to be their Domme/Mistress are more “use me but use me the way I want you to BDSM bottom” then they are submissive.

The rush of BDSM/FemDom play doesn’t come from being a slave or submissive, it comes from allowing someone to use their BDSM cravings on them.

These two parts of D/s caused a lot of problems for my husband and me when we first started trying to incorporate a D/s twist to our marriage.

He really didn’t understand being a submissive…..that being submissive had more to it than just letting me turn his BDSM urges on him and he wanted to control the way I used the BDSM play. He wasn’t all that interested in being a submissive and the work it takes to be submissive, he wanted me to “domme” him into being submissive and if I “dommed him right” in a manner he enjoyed then he would make a half assed attempt at something that might appear submissive.

I tell him all the time if a woman who came into the lifestyle by her own cravings ever got ahold of him she would curb his ass in a nano second…because he forgets that being submissive shouldn’t require being “dommed” to have a submissive nature kick in. The craving to be submissive should come before the craving to be “dommed” if he really is a submissive. Now days he is more submissive then he is “use me, but do it my way” bottom. He gets huge props from me because he has done a lot of soul-searching and gut work to become the wonderful submissive he is.

By being a “use me and use me my way” bottom he turned me in to a “Service top” and that didn’t work.

I am either on top or I am not.

I didn’t want to be on top to service his BDSM urges, putting it in action that way had nothing in it for me because BDSM doesn’t turn me on. The BDSM urges are his kinks. I was doing all the work as the “TOP” and he was “lying back” as the bottom and getting what he wanted out of me doing all the work.

If I wasn’t on top and in charge I had no interest in just servicing him. There was NO “T.P.E.” in the way he wanted to be dommed.

T.P.E

is the acronym for Total Power Exchange.

( I have also noticed it can be called E.P.E/Erotic Power Exchange)

If he wasn’t willing to let go and let me lead, let me have the power over him he told me I had, use it in a way that I enjoyed, I was playing service top to his bottom and the idea of T.P.E. was a joke in our D/s.

T.P.E. is another hot button topic.

What it is for me and mine, may not be the same for others. For me I had to shut out what others said was T.P.E. and find my own sweet spot in the whole scheme of D/s FemDom BDSM power exchange. I know when and how it happens for me and for my sub, but I have no idea how to explain that moment to another person.

Domme drop/sub drop:

Very real emotional crashes that can happen after a session or a long period of extended play time.

There are times my husband and I “play” on the down low for days on end. I will do things that I know is going to keep him in a constant state of arousal and plan scenes that only last a short time and will end without release for him.

By the time he does have an orgasm the letdown that hits once the high is gone, as the arousal endorphins in his system purge, it leaves his energy zapped and at times leaves his body feeling like he’s been in a minor accident or has the flu.

That “achy, icky, banged up, hung over” feeling and it will make him irritable and he can have some depression set in.

His body is, in my mind, going thru the withdrawal of not having that “high” and hasn’t recovered enough to start the climb back there.

Since I don’t derive the same high from the play he does my drops are never associated with the release—the end for the time being— of the BDSM play.

My own drops come from being overwhelmed by the demands of keeping up with him and his wants to keep the high getting higher.

After care

Is a vital part of dealing with either drop.

Understanding how each part of the D/s “drops” and what they feel during the drop is an outright “taking care of each other” responsibly between the couple.

Plan ahead and know what your partner will need when this happens. It is not a “if it happens” it is “when it happens” because it will happen. The only “iffy factor” is when and how hard your partner will drop.

Intense (sometimes even not so intense) play can stir up vivid memories, good and bad for the Domme or sub and drop may hit in the middle of a session.

The bad memories may devastate the person and they may fall apart right in the middle of the play.

If this happens

STOP THE SESSION!!

DO NOT

attempt to “play thru” whatever has the person upset.

They may not even know what caused them to get upset. The mind is a mysterious thing…it will send us into tail spins without warning. Address whatever it is on the spot and seek whatever care is needed, be it medical or psychological immediately.

When my husband drops, he needs to know I still love him; the play didn’t affect my love for him as my life partner or affect my respect for him as my man. He needs to know I wasn’t repulsed or upset by the play I used to help him get that high.

He knows these aren’t MY kinks so there is always going to be some fear that I may come out of a session or long-term play time with my feelings changed about him. This will never happen, but it is not an unreasonable fear on his part, so I have to be aware and willing to help him cope with this.

He needs reassurance that the “end” was not the end and once he is back on his “emotional feet” we will be playing again.

He needs more sleep than normal, but I need to make sure he doesn’t turn into a hermit and let the depression settle in for good.

He gets snippy and grouchy I have to let him have that moment within reason.

I also have some well researched safe for his medical conditions “herbal voodoo” (as he calls it) that helps him get his whole body and mind back on track.

This “drop” for him can happen right after the orgasm…or it can hit a few days later. It’s my job as his Domme to be alert to the signs it is happening so his after care for me starts as soon as things “end”.

It is his job as my submissive to be paying attention to my “Female in distress” cues and make sure I am not about to drop or have dropped.

He knows me; he knows what they are by just the tone of my voice or a look on my face. When I hit this point he has to back off and go into “protective of my mate mode” and ease up on the kink demands.

The more stressed I am the less appeal sex or BDSM play has for me.

PLEASE NOTE:

There is another form of this “Domme drop” that comes with the endorphin high purging and from speaking to woman who have this type of “Domme drop” it  can be as hard to cope with as what my husband deals with when “sub drop” gets him.

I hope as others —-Domme and sub—– find their way to this blog, they will share their own experiences with Domme or sub drop and I hope to have a “guest blogger” blog about the Domme drop that comes with the endorphin high of being the dominant.