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T.C.B before getting down to business.

by on February 11, 2013

Taking Care of Business before getting down to business.

The “business end” of being a D/s couple. ………a/k/a the art of FemDom-D/s-BDSM negotiation.

GUYS……..yes you…… the men peeking in here:

If you have a partner who agreed to help you explore BDSM as your Domme then count yourself VERY BLESSED and don’t ruin the blessing by demanding more then she is up to.

The idea of negotiation isn’t about you talking (badgering, haggling, bartering, whining, pouting) her into doing things to/for you ~OR~ your way.

This is your chance to let her tell you what she wants from the life style…so shut up and listen and hear her.

Keep in mind no matter how dominant or aggressive you partner is, she still has her moments that her confidence level may be shaky. When you are discussing her presentation as your Domme…you are talking about her as you sexual partner……..TREAD LIGHTLY!!

Anything negative you say is most likely going to impact how she feels about herself as a sexual person and as your Domme.

In the process of “helping her” you may be smashing her self-worth to bits.

 Hind sight can be a real

“come back to bite you were you live”


One of the things I wish I’d had a better grasp on when my husband asked to being this lifestyle into our marriage was D/s contracts and negotiating the contract itself.

He didn’t want to because he said it would “take the surprise out of it and take the edge off of what I do with him.”

Looking back understanding the process and using it would have saved us a ton of grief by preventing misunderstandings.

Over the last couple of years we have started using negotiation to make sure I am not being overwhelmed by his cravings and he isn’t feeling like what he craves is being over looked.

It also stopped a lot of “TFTB” because now days if he doesn’t negotiate it with me……discuss it with me ….then I consider his input to be TFTB and all kink stops. This is actually a negotiated part of our D/s agreement.

I am not going to tell anyone what to put in a contract or how negotiate one….but I will say consider this as business dealing.  Do it in a location that is neutral and do it without being all hot and horny. Approach it as you would any business deal that has some significant merit to it. This is the time to discuss hard limits, things that cannot be done by either the D or the s and a time to find common ground in likes and dislikes. It is a time to ask each other questions what each one wants from the kink activities.

We have also found for us, renegotiation is a must and has a positive effect on the D/s relationship over all. It’s not uncommon for have to  a quiet mellow  “pillow talk” type chat after a session built of “I liked it when you did this” or “that was a bit more then I could handle” type back and forth.

Keep the chatter positive and upbeat, this isn’t a time to unload a list of

“I wish you woulds and you should haves”….save that for the T.C.B. negotiation.

The whole idea may feel awkward and stuffy the first few times…but as time goes on it will become second nature for both the Domme and the sub.

I have the ultimate say on everything that goes on here, but I do consider him, his needs and wants in every choice I make. His needs and wants have a major bearing on what gets in to agreements for kink play. He pretty much always gets what he asks for…he just rarely gets it the way he asks for it.

It is his job to accept that fact and be happy I agreed to consider his wants enough to find a way to adapt to them in a way I can use them that make me happy.

That means he is walking the talk of

“I want to be your submissive, I offer you my submission and will do whatever it takes to make you happy and pleased with me.”

Not just giving it lip service to get kink play and use me as a service top.

  1. I really am not stalking you, I just have not been able to get out of your blog because I find myself want to see what else you wrote. I haven’t been around much so I am doing a little catching up…Only 5 more weeks of school, oh I can not wait….
    Ok I have a question for you My Lady…
    Now you were talking about how you and hubby will sit down and negotiate a contract. I have read that a number of other couples do the same thing. It has been stated that a contract and negotiations are an important part to having a good D/’s relationship. ( if i am not saying something correct, please let me know, and know that I mean no disrespect, I have no knowledge, but find myself awestruck by it.)
    …… So you both take time and discuss what….. he wants, what you will think about,… what you will do and what you would rather not think about until next year at this time.
    I do remember you saying earlier it feels like a one side conversation lately
    ……. My question is….In the beginning, when you started your new adventure of lifestyle and living did you two sit down and talk about it? Negotiate, brain storm, have a good feeling conversation?
    ……. Did you and your hubby have sit downs before, when you were raising your children? I mean you and hubby talk about dreams, fears, hopes, wishes, wants, needs.Or was most of your sit downs about life right now, kids, supper?

    I ask this because I do not see a lot of couples taking the extra time to sit down with their lover and negotiating their needs. Which is actually sad, because we are mother, daughters, sister, lovers and our needs do matter, the same as his needs do matter, No more no less and yet very few people do this.
    …………That is one of the things I find fascinating another is when I think about your role, I feel exhausted, not that your hubby exhausted you but the mind set that is must take. I keep thinking about how exhausting it can be when I have to play drill sergeant to my 12 year old to get her to do her choirs. It would be so much easier to just do her choirs and be done with it, and on to the next thing, but that teachers her nothing.
    ……for myself i find it takes a lot of energy for me to “boss” someone around especially a male. (I know boss is not the right word) So my next question is do you plan things out?
    Kind of get yourself into a mindset?
    What gives the energy you need?
    Ok My Lady I am done stalking You…I better get my homework done.


  2. There’s not a drop of anything disrespectful in ANYTHING you have said to me in any of your replies, so please, don’t worry about that.

    If I am going to drop my life in a place where others trip over it and then pick it apart to see what they tripped over ……my skin can’t be thin, that’s not fair to the ones who do trip over and then stick around to figure out what they tripped over.

    I’m flattered that you find our story worthy the time it takes to read the words here and I can’t do justice to answering your questions in just a reply.

    I have been trying to get a “HOW the hell did I end up HERE” post going for a few days now and you have spurred me into that with your questions because the answers are in our history as a couple in and out of the kink realm.
    Thr trick will be not letting that theme for a post rival War and Peace in verbiage length!!


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