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My husband was a B.A.D. guy.

by on February 15, 2012

(Subs who won’t give up control-

Chapter 1)

Don’t tell me how to be a good submissive…tell me how to turn her into a Mistress/Domme.

Tell me what I want to hear…….. or don’t bother me.

There’s a mentality out there among men who want to BDSM added to the sex….and they want to “train” their partner on how to give them what they want. In my book….they are posers.

I have tagged these men

B.A.D guys

Build A Domme guys.

Guys who have no idea what it means to be in service nor what the foundation of FemDom is, they only want the kicks of the domination and BDSM play. They don’t want to have to put much effort into it, they want the woman they asked into it…to do all the work.

My husband was a B.A.D. guy.

*He was the “pretend sub” who did a lot of topping from the bottom…and did control all things kink…….to get what he wanted.

*He did everything he could to push my buttons to “help me find my Dommness”  the whole time …….telling me he was trying to “help me”.

*He didn’t want anyone to tell him HOW to be a submissive; he wanted people to tell him how to turn me into the Domme he wanted. Hints or outright call outs calling his :submission” into question pissed him off.

*He wanted advice on how to “bring out my inner Dommness” instead of advice on how to be a good submissive…how to hone his inner submissive.

*He didn’t like being told to leave me alone and let me do it my way.

*He didn’t like hearing he needed to be the one doing the work.

Fact…my husband was a BAD guy.

He wanted to “use” the concept of FemDom to get what he wanted:

His BDSM/domination fetishes into play.

He’d been “coached/influenced” by bad material on the internet. For a long time he did have control over how the D/s went in our lives. It was d/S. We broke that cycle… him facing what he is:


Topping From The Bottom

kinky guy

trying to call sub.

It was a hard struggle to get him to be honest and admit his urge to be submissive was only engaged when he was aroused and he wanted to stay aroused all the time and he wanted me doing the work to keep him aroused. I have no interest in orgasm denial lone term. Short term is fine, but I found myself catering to his orgasm denial fetish to keep him in a “submissive state”.

He was working me, making me do without, so he could get that rush that comes with being aroused.

The most recent leg of this journey has been about him coming clean and getting clean; him doing the gut work of letting go of  fantasies and ideas that didn’t work for me, and let go of the ideal idea of expecting me to make them work for him.

Now days I do have the control, but it wasn’t easy to get it.

He had to get real and do the work, stop trying to turn me into a Domme an start focusing on being submissive without force….. for me to have the control.

His way of “helping me……was to turn me into a “Service Top”.

Word of advice to men wishing to ask a partner into this:

Don’t piss on her leg and tell her it is raining.

If you can’t be sub without forcing her into “forcing and training” you, you aren’t a submissive…you are a masochist with a domination fetish.

You can’t be “trained” because you have the women you asked into this jumping thru so many hoops she has no idea how to get control. Chances are every time she thinks she has it, you are yanking it right out of her confused hands.

Stop trying to train her to be a Domme and start training yourself—on your own— to be a submissive.

  1. Yes a masochist is very different than a submissive. I have in fact met more than one dominant masochists. One, a fairly good friend of mine, was a 40 year old woman with a thyroid problem that made her extra extra skinny. I have never in all my years as a dominatrix seen someone take the kind of beatings she got with a smile and a proud shake of the bruised and bleeding booty afterwards. HOWEVER, this guy I call Asshole Steve came in one day looking for her to lick his toes and so on and she whipped out the dominant attitude “oh hell no” she’d say, “i aint liking no man’s toes”. But she knew what she was, which sounds different from what your situation was.


  2. They are an animal of their own kind.

    They are not even the slightest bit submissive unless they are getting their own urges met at the hand of the one they want to call “Domme.”……. and can be a falsehearted type, when it comes to the person they have asked to be their playmate in the world of FemDom.

    Now days my husband knows “what he is”…..and that in turn brought about a new understanding of how he was a fetishist who was manipulating me to get his BDSM craving sated.

    We work from the foundation of the fact he is a fetish loaded “SAM”……not a submissive.
    Being submissive does nothng for him…unless I am frocing him to “be” submissive.

    We have set rules for how he will be dealt with when the smart-assed part…gets in the way of him being a submissive masochist. The first thing that happens is ALL D/s BDSM interaction comes to a screeching halt.
    I will not reward bad behavior/button pushing/power struggles….by using the very thing he is pushing me to get.


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