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Why did she gets so upset part 2

by on March 9, 2015

It starts here:

https://thesuburbandomme.com/2015/03/08/why-did-she-get-so-upset/

I’m not anti-chastity.

~*~I am~*~

anti-pouncing

on an

unaware/uninformed

partner

with any kink idea.

I don’t care what the kink is…..

Unloading it on a partner who isn’t kink aware isn’t fair to the clueless partner.

 I can’t (won’t) tell anyone how to have any kind of kink conversation with their partner.

I might be able to tell them what not do do…what not to say…..might be able to help them form some kind of outline to use during the conversation…but I will not give a set of talking points on how to get any kink in play. Build your OWN talking points….from this “food for thought”.

I strongly suggest you run fast and far from anyone who tells you they DO know how to tell you how to have the conversation. This type is being insulting to your partner because they assume your partner i a cookie cutter personality. They aren’t giving your partner credit for being an individual.

What I say here is built on the foundation of my “been here, did that, somehow survived…. then started to thrive in it” history along with a few years’ worth of answering emails like the one I blogged about, answering emails from very confused, spooked and in emotional pain…..wives and girlfriends.

Yes I am biased.

I’m not even trying to hide that fact.

Yes I have a dog in this fight…… and my dog got torn up…… before we settled on a happy medium around our place with the chastity kink, I’m not even going to try to hide that bias. I hope it’s that bias that will get people to slow down and rethink how they are approaching their partner. There’s plenty of stuff out there singing the praises of this kink….but very little on how it can blow up…and how to deal with it blowing up.

I’m not attacking men who have an interest in the chastity play. I don’t think they are heartless, self-absorbed selfish bastards.

Never forget:

I am married to guy like these guys……I’m not about to attack and malign the man I love by attacking men like him. I may get aggravated with him….and want to throttle him…..but attack and bash him….not gonna happen and I will skin anyone who would do such.

At times he may be a bastard…but he’s my bastard.

(That is typed with a grin and a wink)

My husband would never set out to intentionally hurt me or do damage to our relationship. He’s a wonderful man who can get pretty damned stupid when his libido is over riding his logistical thinking process.  He’s a hard working husband and father and would move heaven and earth to make sure his family is well provided for and has everything they need and every want he can get his hands on. But when his libido is ruling his  rational and logistical thought process……all bets are off.

He is a self confessed….. “dumb than a box of rocks when I am horny” kind of guy. He’s learned thru trail and error to think thru kink ideas…..without the horny guy influence…before he approaches me with the idea. He has also learned to take “no” for an answer…not see it as a challenge to change my mind in order to get his way. Learn from his mistakes as I type away here.

So how do we have “this chat” with a partner?

I am going to take a stab at it based on my own experience and based on conversations I have had with women who are trying to make sense of what was asked of them.

No one knows your partner better then you. Don’t assume someone who “knows” about chastity will have the right answers for your partner and you. Just because it worked for them doesn’t mean the route they took is going to work for you or appeal to your partner…..no matter how good the author makes it sound.

Don’t let someone insult your partner thru your assumption someone knows how to tell you to approach your partner.

This is where most guys seemed to be the most shocked when the idea blows up. They have spent time reading chastity blogs/sites and assume what is on the sites is applicable across the board. Please…drop the damned cookie cutter and step away…and maybe no one will get hurt.

Don’t assume your partner is going to just hop right on board with the idea. If she’s never made a kink styled suggestion/advance on her own, chances are this is going to seem very out of the norm to her. It doesn’t mean the urge for this kink is abnormal…it means FOR HER…it won’t feel right. Just fro my own observations…most guys who have lived a kinkless life in the burbs……this is the first kink they drop on their partner…and IT IS A KINK…….don’t kid yourself into thinking you aren’t like “other guys” who have a whole laundry list of kinks. Just because “this” is the only thing you want to add to your sex life (and yes…this is about sex also and the sex life you share with your partner) it doesn’t mean you are special and easy to deal with. You are asking her to alter her life for you……alter her own wants/needs/ urges for you.

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes for just a bit and think thru how this is going to play out on her side.

Imagine if she walked in and told you…..she wasn’t going to be happy enough to want to fulfill your wants and needs unless you agree to doing “x” for her.

Make “x” something you don’t know anything about and/or something you would freak out over.

You don’t even know what “x’ is…this is the first time you have ever heard of it. Add in the fact……“x” means the way you two have sex……. is going to change, possibly drastically. Her choice is going to impact your sex life and the sex life you share with her.Imagine…..out of nowhere…… she is dropping all this on you…you had no idea…… up to that point she had any type curiosity about “x”….much less enough of an interest to throw both of you into a tail spin when she makes her matter of fact announcement. Imagine the emotional roller coaster you will be strapped into. You are strapped in because you love your partner…..and you are being held hostage by this love and the need to please your partner, your need to make them happy.

Think-think-think……

Will you feel like you are being put on notice you aren’t good enough the way you are?

That she needs “more” than what she has right now to want to even put effort into you?

Will it make you feel unsure about how she feels about you?

Will it make you feel like the security you thought you had with your partner..is on shaky ground…that if you don’t follow thru on “x” your partner may leave?

How are you going to feel in a set up like this?

If you can’t take the time to put yourself in your partner’s shoes…..then maybe it’s time for you to reconsider just how much your partner’s needs/wants and emotional health really do matter to you.

I am not trying to discourage anyone from having this conversation with a partner.

I am suggesting you go into the conversation thinking bout the impact it will have on your partner. How she may feel if this isn’t an idea she can instantly wrap her mind around, jump on board with. Stop and think about the fact it may take some time for her to process it. If she starts asking questions…… don’t get defensive and defend what you what…that’s all about you…..that’s not going to help her feel more secure in the bigger scheme of things.

Now would be a good time to….

Drop the

“OH baby, this is all about you!”

selling point.

It isn’t all about her, if it didn’t do something for/to you…you wouldn’t be asking for it.

Be honest…be frank (as frank as your partner is able to deal with) about the fact you LIKE getting and staying aroused and “dodging” orgasm. Be honest about the fact you enjoy the highs and lows that go with this activity. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this way of viewing and using arousal. What is wrong is trying to pull the wool over your partner’s eyes about the “why” of why you want it…making it seem like it is something you are doing for her.

Again…….if it didn’t interest you……if it wasn’t something you are doing for yourself……if you weren’t getting something out of it…you wouldn’t be asking for it. Yes, you want her to benefit from it….but where is the benefit in it if you aren’t being honest about it with her?

DO NOT….

I REPEAT!!

DO NOT

buy a device

BEFORE

you have a chat with your partner about the idea.

For one thing the devices are intimidating as hell for someone who doesn’t have a clue.

The next thing to keep in mind:

You have just taken her right to a voice and choice…out of play….. in a lot of ways.

This isn’t a “nice surprise” like keys to a new car or a fancy diamond bauble. This surprise may be a bombshell lobbed at your partner.

I was fairly “kink aware” educated by this point……but I was only “semi aware” of the concept of chastity when my own husband “gifted me” with a device. I had no idea he had an interest in the kink…..and I was very aware of his kinky nature.

When I opened the “gift”……I had a hard time not letting my real emotions register on my face and in my actions. I was fighting tears…….our life was already a massive mess over his kinky nature and he was telling me how this gadget was going to make things all better. I know him…I know his nature and I knew this latest kink gadget was just going to be more work for me and was going to make even more of a mess of our sex life…a sex life that was already consumed by his “FemDom” kink laundry list. He kept going on and on about how chastity was all about me.

I was thinking:

“If it really is all about me, why didn’t you have the decency to discuss it with me before you dropped “the gift” on me?”

I wanted him to stop acting like I had an opinion that mattered…… when he had already made the choice without my input.

He took my right to consent to the activity when he made the purchase without my input.

Yes, I could have said no after the fact…but really guys…..should I have been put in this position to start with?

If it really was all about me…shouldn’t I have had a voice in it BEFORE it got put in motion?

Shouldn’t I have had a say from the start in how the kink would be in play and what device we would use…

IF I wanted to use a device to get the kink in play?

And looks like there will be a part three…….my morning is off to an insane start. The damned time change has me already running behind thanks to the fact I use sunlight as my clock in the mornings.

3 Comments
  1. I am not anti-chastity, I am anti-idiocy.

    And I am of the mindset that if he wants me to control his orgasms, he will have them controlled in a way that *I* see fit.

    I wonder how many men take that into consideration when they are thinking with their hormones?

    I also wonder if they would be so keen on devices if the shoe was on the other foot. Imagine a woman, presenting a man with a giant chastity belt. “This hunk if metal will now be in your way every time you want access to my vagina. Which, as you know, is quite often. But I’m wearing this thing for YOU. Also, you have to keep me horny while we are not having sex and I have this metal crotch cover in place, or else I won’t want to take care of you. Do this, and I will pay attention to your needs. Oh, and don’t lose the key.”

    Head – Desk – THUNK.

    Like

    • *giggle/snort*

      I love it…..LOVE IT!!!
      *insert clapping hands here*

      Thinking right now about maybe fashioning some kind of female over the crotch area gadget out of tin foil…and putting it over my

      “Don’t touch me…
      Go to your corner….
      I am not in the mood…
      I am running on fumes, feeling fat –ate a whole box of girl scout cookies and finished off half the one that was left in under an hour, took a nap….skipped the gym…..wore myself out typing and using my brain…and now I want another nap…..
      You and your kinky ass …not even on my radar.”

      sweat pants and baggy t-shirt attire.

      Wonder if he’ll see the humor in it??? :p

      Liked by 1 person

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The Suburban Domme

The Suburban Domme Living with a (semi) submissive man

O Miss Pearl

Non-professional perspective femdom & kink with awesome erotica.

Elene Sallinger

Award winning author of Awakening

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