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Brave or Bravado? Either way, the shit’s only knee-deep if you go in head first.

by on March 23, 2013

Brave means …….you know what you are doing and can do it with confidence in your abilities….and without fear.

Bravado means you’re not so sure you are on the right track…but it feels right and you are going to do it anyway and hope you don’t fall on your face, whiz in the wrong bowl of Wheaties and you can fake it til you make it.

I’m not brave…..I running on bravado.

The grandma who taught me about simply complicated also taught me shit is only knee-deep if you go in head first.

Questions that I have been pondering for YEARS.

*Are kinks and a fetishes the same thing?

*Was I “kinky” before I meet my husband and started adapting to his elaborate fetish urges?

*Was I not “really kinky” until I fell head on down the rabbit hole in the BDSM aspect of kink when my husband found his “FemDom” umbrella?

*If you don’t use BDSM as part of your sex kit bag…are you really not kinky?

*Since my “gotta have that to be interested in sex” needs…… didn’t involve much more than being able to find an Alpha…with dark hair, a crooked smile, pithy non bathroom related humor and smoldering eyes with a few other quirky requirements thrown in…..that was willing to give up control to me as my partner in and out of bed……… long as the relationship lasted…..does that make me not so much a real time kinkster with real time kinks?

*The fact he would concede his “Alpha” ways to me….does that mean he really isn’t an alpha?

*If my husband and I parted ways and I went back to a life without FemDom and BDSM kink….would I no longer be kinky?

*Since I don’t hang out at munches or play in public does that make not really kink?

I could build a list here that would crush the internet’s backbone under the weight.

The questions are semi rhetorical and the answer…hell right now what they are may not be the same tomorrow for me. I’m like a freakin lava lamp vacillating…up and down……depending on my mood and what the ambient temps are in all three of my relationships.

The topic is a slippery slope and can go from just some mild

“I don’t agree with you” chatter to outright hatemongering and venomous.

My husband and I can’t even agree on the topic.

We have always “agreed to disagree” on what is or isn’t “kink”.

He hates the word “kink” when used in relation to his urges…because of the negative associated with the word in the world at large.

He fears he will be judged “abnormal” and deemed not a worthy part of society because of that one damned word.

This is man who is intelligent, highly motivated and conscientious in his life at every turn. He survives and thrives in a business market that is cut throat and he does so because his ethics have built a rep that precedes him.

It is absolute insane that ONE flippin word could rattle all that.

The word is just a word…….but like so many words…in the wrong hands…..out of the wrong mouth…..or keyboard…… is a double-edged serrated sword that will draw blood, shatter relationships and crush the person who had the word used against them.
I’m not looking to reinvent the wheel here.

I’m not looking for a “static characteristic” for kink and the ones who claim the word with pride.
I do hope…at some point the words stops being a double-edged serrated sword and just becomes another word for being happy in our own skin.
(Yeah*grimace and eye roll*……..
I know a little over the top there with the “Miss Mary ~can’t we all just get along”~Sunshine” sugar coat stuff…..but right now…….that’s the best I got.)

From → Dissecting kink

  1. You asked, “Are kinks and a fetishes the same thing?”

    Short answer: No.

    Yes, there *is* a difference between ‘fetish’ and ‘kink’.

    In the most boiled-down, Human Sexuality 101 terms I can manage at the moment:

    A ‘fetish’ is, in actuality, a THING. A ‘fetishist’ *requires* that THING to get off ~ or, in many instances, to even get aroused in the first place. If your eargasm guy MUST have sexy earlobes to be ABLE to function sexually (I’m not saying that’s the case; just using a real-time example), then the THING ~ the earlobes ~ is the fetish, and HE (the person) is a lobe fetishist.

    The words ‘kink’ and ‘fetish’ get tossed about as if they are interchangeable. In sexual circles, they are *related* (kissin’ cousins, if you will), but they are individual concepts. Kink and Fetish are *not* the same thing.

    To give you a non-sexual example of a fetish:

    I have a friend who is Mohawk. He collects ‘fetishes’ (THINGS/objects) that are associated with his totem (Bear). And personality wise, a PERSON (the fetishist) who is a Bear Totem *requires* certain THINGS (fetishes) to be able to function properly.


    Clear as mud?


    • Actually it makes perfect sense…the “kissin’cousins” notion…….the pretty much cuts to the core of it.

      Eargasm guy…….the earlobe thing is a MUST…and it also supports my thoughts about my husband the “is not submissive—-but is a domination fetishist—-because without some type of domination from me…he can’t get aroused…and he’s always been that way. It’s why getting to a point of understanding why he was drawn to FemDom styled BDSM…made things a hell of a lot more pleasant for both of us. And in what he craves to “get there” he is as rampant with fetish needs as he is with kink wants.

      Safe to say a “fetish is a need” where “kink is a want”?

      The fetish outside of sexual content…I found it interesting you put it with this. Years ago…. I read a book about “fetish needs” that had nothing to do with sexual nature, hadn’t thought to apply that line of thought TO the sexual aspect to make the distinction between kink and fetish.

      I started this blog to help women like me…women who are in relationships with guys who crave BDSM in the form of FemDom…..but the “FemDom nor the BDSM” isn’t part of their hard wiring for sex….and trying t find ways to make things mesh so the differences don’t destroy their relationship… learning and understanding as in comprehending is important to me.
      I appreciate the info and input.

      I’m “jet” fueled by school of hard knocks lessons learned, a lot of help from women who came into the FemDom BDSM lifestyle by way of their own wants and needs…..and by the seat of my pants…and seems like more often the not we are that “odd couple out” because as a couple my husband and I tend to be the incongruity that will screw over the congruent skew….every time.

      We don’t fit into what can be seen as the “standards for couples who kink” and I type that hesitantly because I hate standards for such things…because it is all so individual and so flux.

      (Eargasm guy*snort and guffaw*
      Read that and did a spit-take with my wine…..husband said
      “OH hell there’s goes ANOTHER keyboard”….told him why I did the spit-take….he laughed so hard he bout fell off the sofa….
      Long story short…these two have an “alpha pissin over the woman”..for the most part good natured—-kinda thing between them…someone riffin on guy two will always have guy one……falling off something from laughter and vice versa. )


  2. Sorry ’bout your keyboard. 😉

    “Safe to say a “fetish is a need” where “kink is a want”?”

    Hmmm… We’re getting warmer…

    (Or maybe that was just me, having another hot flash…)

    A fetish is *required* for the fetishist to function sexually; i.e., a NEED.

    A kink is an arousal-inducing *desire* rather than a *need*; i.e., a WANT.

    Thus, for sortasub spouse to say, “I have a domination fetish” carries a different connotation than if he were to say, “I kink to being dominated.”

    “I have a domination fetish.” = “I *need* to be dominated in order to function sexually.

    “I kink to being dominated.” = I like it, and I want it, but it’s not *necessary* for me to get off.


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