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Fair is fair.

by on March 13, 2013

Being honest goes both ways when trying to add the FemDom D/s twist to an established relationship.

The woman should be as honest about what she can’t do as the man is about what he wants.

Being honest UP FRONT is going to save you a lot of heart ache in the long run and may prevent “Domme burn out”.

Once you agree to try you become responsible for your end of the bargain and your own wellbeing. Don’t agree to something you know you can’t do. That’s not fair to either one of you and you double you own work load.

It isn’t just my mentors that make me so “smart”–it is also “been here done this” hind sight.

I was willing to try  and  in a  panicked fit of trying to get it right……… I agreed to things that I knew I wouldn’t be comfortable doing. I overloaded myself. The first few times I tried to set up role play scenes I tried to do too many things.

I hate having my feet touched but he wanted to be my “foot worship slave” and dummy me…I let him.  Within 10 minutes of the play starting I was edgy and irritable and all I wanted was for it to be OVER. He knows I hate having my feet touched and I ended up getting angry at him because he did follow through with what I told him he could do….but hey…what’s wrong with that picture?

Not exactly fair for me to be angry at him for doing something I TOLD HIM HE COULD DO.

How was he to know I wasn’t being honest with him? He had every right to assume since I told him he could—-he could do so—– without having it come back on him. I spent a lot of time sending him mixed messages and things got out of whack by my own hand.

I realized that I had to be clear about what I couldn’t do and if I wasn’t 100% sure I could do it, it wasn’t fair to him to tell him “maybe” or “that I would try”. I had to risk disappointing him or even making him mad by telling him there were things he couldn’t have and he had to respect my limits without being difficult and acting like a brat when he didn’t get his way or what he wanted.

Part of the rush for him is the “lingo” used in the stories and videos so we had to find a middle ground that had us both happy with this type of D/s play. I hated having him call me “Mistress” or any of the oft used terms for the Domme. I didn’t like calling him subby or slave, any of the nomenclature for a bottom. I really detested calling him my slut or whore or bitch. I can do it short-term and I do use the slangs kidding him but to constantly refer to him as any of these set my teeth on edge.  We agreed on terms and times to use them that works for both of us. We have select pet names for each other, a few which can be used in public around others but we both know what they mean, it’s a “ private secret” public D/s moment for us.

I am never going to be a hateful scowling Domme. I can “role play” the part for a short time and he has to accept that.

He had to give up a lot to get what he has and he had to do so without resenting it and being angry and focused on what he doesn’t have.

He has to stay focused on what I can do in the role of his Domme.

To help him I have to follow through with what I can do and hold up my end of the bargain. I have to do what I said I would do if I expect him to do what I ask him to do.

I have to keep him informed about how I am feeling and if I am not in the mood to be the “Domme” I have to let him know instead of leaving him to guess.

It is a two-way street.

You should never do anything you aren’t comfortable with……. but you should do what you know you can do and avoid making empty promises and stringing your man along.

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