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I am a sexist bigot…..

by on February 9, 2013

When it comes to men trying to enlighten and educate women on the ways of the FemDom lifestyle I can become a rampant sexist bigot.

The challenge in this part of my female nature is the fact it is in direct contrast with who I am as a human.

I adore men; from my father, my husband, to my son, to my poly partners and the many, many men who have enriched my life over all my years.

But there is faction of the male populace I do not/will not tolerate!

This is the fragmented demented group that thinks they have some kind of special discernment and talent that gives them the ability to tell women how to deal with their own carnality and that of the men who wish to sub to them.

With these men I become a vehement sexist bigot because I have no interest in their theory of FemDom or how it should be put in place.

I have found in the past, men who wish to educate women on the finer points of FLR, D/s and FemDom are merely projecting their own fantasy on anyone who will listen.

Thoes who can’t do, teach.

They have no real insight into how the lifestyle works or how it should work for a woman. They only know what makes their male parts “feel good”.

Most of these men have no experience at living the lifestyle in real time and have no clue how they dynamic works in a real world setting with real world issues like bills, work, kids and the overall overwhelming demands of being a couple.

Quite often these men have a chilling, surreptitious and noxious misogynistic bent in their temperament.

The “I am so submissive” male they present as, will become an angry venomous creature when challenged; the bitterness that is seething under the cover of “I am a submissive male and only wish to help women” comes screaming to the surface and hell hath no fury like an exposed misogynist scorned.

With help of my own female FemDom mentors I have helped clear the wreckage left in the wake for couples who have been the victims of this type of “mentor”.

There are so many topics in the realm of FemDom that have been bastardized by this faction of kink players, emphasis on the word player, it is no wonder so many have a hard time trying to sort out the mapping of getting this lifestyle in place in a relationship, be it a new one or an existing one.

When seeking a mentor, someone to help you navigate the topics and get fact over fantasy:

Ask yourself if what the person is saying seems practical for you and your partner?

Be leery of anyone who wants to give you exact marching orders on “how to introduce” a partner.

Run from anyone who gives you a list of “if you want this—-then do this” styled instruction.

Think long and hard before you pay any one for information. Keep in mind you become a cash cow to be milked at the whim of the one who has you by your libido.

Trust but verify.

Don’t just question authority, question WHY someone thinks they are the authority.

Never take what anyone says as gospel.

Not even what you read here. I am only an authority on my own life.

I am educated on the topics in this realm, but I am hesitant to educate in the intricacies of how a couple should implement any type of kink.

I am who I am and this works for us because of who my husband and I are as a kinky couple, not because we have some sort of special insight or found an answer that is the magic bullet of FemDom kink.

All this said, I am always delighted to discuss—but not debate— the topic of FemDom, Female Lead relationships and D/s with men because I do enjoy their input and quiet often find it helpful in my own life in the dealing with my husband.

I have no interest in the male agenda driven fantasy of what FemDom is/should be.

I prefer to discuss the topic with men who have their head(s) out of the porn induced fantasy and soundly in the reality of making the lifestyle work for both partners.

I live a realistic version of the lifestyle every day.

I am the head of our home from the way the day to day issues are dealt with and managed the kinky nature is in play. I am in control but I am not a dictator.

I rule my submissive husband with love, compassion and use BDSM and kink as rewards for being a compliant and cooperative mate. Not working with me, making my life difficult and stressful over his kink wants, means the loss of his kink privileges.

On the many notes of D/s kink that is in our marriage none of it sounds, looks or feels like what so many promote as “FemDom”.

I have been called a fake, a poser, and charlatan. I have been “informed” more than once this is not true FemDom and I am not being a real Domme because I don’t rule with an iron fist and use BDSM to debase, train and torture the man I own.

The absolute hilarity in the above is the fact the ones who made the judgment calls on my way of living a FemDom lifestyle…..always turned out to be the ones spoke of at the beginning of this blog and a couple were outted as men posing as Dommes.

I repeat:

Trust but verify!

Don’t just question authority, question WHY someone thinks they are the authority.

And if all else fails, exercise some intelligent, nonaggressive, discerning and selective sexual bigotry for your own (and your partner’s) welfare.

From → Amplifications

  1. writingthebody permalink

    This is a great post…I have not managed to reconcile all the different bits of my life, but I like the idea that it is possible, at least for some. I feel the anger you have, and I accept even some of this criticism (I have been that guy at times) – what matters to me here is that I sense that this advice of yours comes from the real space of someone trying to cut through damaging versions of the fantasy. It is what I think of as integration – if that makes sense – of the different parts of real people’s lives…thank you, this is pretty inspirational, and you sound like a great person in a good relationship as well…


    • Writingthebody, thank you for the kind words. And you are right…..what I have to say comes directly from the life I have lived 30+ years with a very kinky man that I love and adore. It is a good life, a happy life but a life that wears the scrapes and scars from life’s hard knocks when the kink goes haywire. We have been able to reconcile the bits and pieces by working to understand who we are in our own nature then putting aside our own nature and working to understand the nature of the beast we have as our partner.

      The ire for the fragmented male populace I feel is more directed at the arrogance and the utter lack of principled conscience of these men.

      The absolute sybaritic manner they wreak havoc with, has the feminist and the mother hen to the world in my core being ready to take up arms.

      A few of these men I have encountered obviously have a heavy handed switch styled maledom streak and derive a twisted voyeuristic pleasure from knowing they have managed to dominate a woman into dominating a man.

      The Svengali styled “maledom in male-sub’s clothing” manipulation of women makes my blood run cold and hits a guttural instinct that I am not proud of but find necessary to do battle with this brand of heathen and stay strong enough with the help of my own vetted and verified female FemDomme mentors to do the work that needs to be done to undo the damage this ilk causes.


      • writingthebody permalink

        Dear suburban domme, I guess these guys are a feature of the online scene – or maybe the live scene? I have travelled a fairly lonely road until now – and I have come to learn the hard way that masochist fantasies do a lot of damage to the people who help us, whether they are paid by us to do it, whether they are sympathetic friends, and whether they are our partners and lovers. I have had relations with all three, and I have also had years and years where I do not ask anyone to do anything to me for fear of hurting them.

        Any man who thinks he has the right to have a go at someone like you and your partner needs his head read. You are the kind of person who is both rare and deeply admirable. Your husband clearly too has brought the hour a day of being a masochist and submissive (the fantasy aspect) into engagement with, and gained traction on, the real balance of power and love in an actual domestic scene where someone has to wash dishes and somone has to pay bills and someone has to do the grocery. All the more once there are children – that is when realities strike even the best relationships. I see too that you believe in a real equality of people in a marriage, and that you model that at every turn. The fact you are the dominant one does not change the respect you give each other, respect that you give because quite simply you love each other, and therefore really care for each other’s welfare.

        But I have made many of the mistakes of fantasy for reality, and I have paid for all of them I guess in emotional terms – what worries me more is that others carry the price too…thank you so much for your kindness. I expected a rebuke, I guess. But it seems there are some awful and unloving and thoughtless people out there. No mentor can help such a person….sigh.


      • A rebuke? What purpose would that serve?
        We have all made mistakes, anyone who tells they haven’t is delusion and possibly a psychopath. Would seem from just the few words you have put here as replies to my blog you can think past the arousal of the whole concept and recognize that your conduct may not have always been the best of who you are as a person. You seem to be willing to stick around and read my pontificating narrow-sighted ramblings and not want to pick a fight with me over my philosophies and the content of the ramblings. You have stayed even though a topic that typically has an erotic undertone, has all the tag words one would use to find such erotic content, hasn’t had any type of erotic bent to it.

        There’s no value in rebuking the ones who wish to scrutinize and deliberate my words in the process of comprehending another view point.

        As far as the men who have berated my way of living a lifestyle that confounds even the most knowledgeable on the subject at times, my best guess is they feel their own lives are lacking something and feel or even know they are the poser others suspect them to be.

        To prevent their own dishonesty from being exposed they attack and belittle others who won’t fall in line with their own line of thought, hoping to create enough commotion to divert attention from their own underhanded tasks. Could be tearing down the ones who have the real facts gives them a sense of validation. Their own personal validation doesn’t come from honesty but from being able to get other’s to buy into the dishonesty as gospel and clamor for more of the false preaching.

        I have yet to meet one of these “FemDom gospel” preacher men in a day to day setting but take out the kink dynamic and I meet men just like them every day. These types who despise strong women but hide it well, but not quite as well as they think, at some point that nature will surface.
        We are who we are.

        The anonymity of the internet seems to amplify our personal natures and if the prevalent part of our temperament is to be falsehearted and needing to devalue others to maintain or elevate our own self-worth, be a sort of emotional vampire, “internet anonymity” becomes another tool to hunt for victims this type of cretin needs to feed on.


      • writingthebody permalink

        In your second last paragraph I think you really identify something important. I do really respect women. indeed, I respect everyone. In my movement in this world of online communication, as in my movement in the physical world,

        I feel a lot of uncertainty about what I think and feel, and I am more trusting (though not completely, because tyrants can be of either gender) of women in authority mainly because in my experience at work and in life generally they have less baggage and less ego to wheel around.

        I should say that there are some sweet and lovely men, but they rarely make it to authority of any kind (there is one I thin of as I write this, vulnerable unsure of himself and utterly sweet). As for the SM scene you describe I am sad about what you describe but find that I believe you completely. Why would it be different from what happens in life? You are right….

        Thank you for your own hesitations. I did not read what you wrote as rambling or as narrow minded not at all. I find what you say helpful. There is an avalanche of stuff out there, porn included, and it is really helpful to be reminded of realities of life, frankly. So thank you, and thank you for that long reply to me.


  2. You said that very clear. Everything you said could be used in any situation in life. Trust but verify that is huge. I have a hard time with people who judge others. The fact that you take the time to write about yourself and what works for you and yours is something that should be praised, not judge. If someone does not like what you say go to the next blog, really how hard is that?? I find you very interesting and real. Thank you for taking the time to share with the rest of us!!


    • Sassy Sarah, thank you for the kind words and the support.

      I very much feel the aggravation that I am sure Cuckquean Slave feels when she’s chided for choosing education over orgasm inducing fodder.

      I don’t blog for that sect of the kinky nation, I blog for the ones like myself who aren’t born with the kinky nature but wish to cultivate a kinky nature because someone we love is a kinky thang!

      When I started looking for information on the subjets of BDSM and FemDom, I didn’t need wank fodder, I needed food for thought and tutelage. Karma heard my plea and dropped me right into the cyber lap of a woman who has become more than just a teacher, she’s become one of my dearest friends, my Mamma Duck(lol) and I hope as I try to pay forward what she taught me and then others who joined in and helped her, I hope I make them all proud because I am a reflection of their teachings.

      So again, thank you for the words of support!


      • You My Lady are welcome….You are a wise lady. To adventure into something because of your love for someone is pretty cool. The fact that you knew you did not have enough information or experience and sought out help is admirable. This to me shows courage, love, respect, intelligence, and wisdom. Then you give credit to your mentors. This shows real character in my eyes. I believe there are good people in our world. People that just want to live life and be happy. I still believe even though it seems every corner I turn I run it to someone that is “icky”, hateful, and rude. So I really enjoy reading stuff that is real and comes from the heart.


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