Skip to content

Buy one…….get three free!

by on April 10, 2013

(Note: I have added the term {Domme} to the questions as a reference  point for others who are new to the lifestyles and to indicate….there are different titles for the F/Domme and the M/Dom. The answers to the questions come from a Domme.)

There are a lot of “life conundrums” that rival the oft used baffling conundrum:

“Which came first the chicken or the egg?”

In the BDSM world……without a doubt…the chicken and eggs of the lifestyle are the following questions:

Who is in “charge” the Dom {Domme}or the sub?

Can subs teach Doms{Dommes}?

How involved should a sub be in the D/s process?

In a 24/7 or longer than a night of play D/s relationship can Doms{Dommes} make changes/decisions for subs.

The BDSM philosophy of the ones involved in getting the lifestyle in place for them and the ones they practice the lifestyle with…… is going to be the determinant factor in the answers to which is chicken and which is egg…and which came first.

There are as many philosophies to BDSM…

As there are philosophies to theology, the route to world peace and solving world hunger.

BDSM philosophies  

All start out at the same basic level.

BDSM equals:

Bondage

Domination

Sadism

Masochism.

But……. from that point they become wider and wider and more and more varied….. as more people become involved in the process of defining what the basic doctrine means to them.

My “BDSM” philosophies are based on Female domination……and based solely on free will of the ones who “offer submission” to me as the dominant. They are also based on the fact I am not BDSM hard wired……all my awareness of —all my interest —- in a BDSM life style…… is developed….in order to find common ground with him.

The four questions posed here…… in my mind, in my “way” of being a Domme in a D/s relationship….…cannot stand alone.

The instant my “sub” is not giving over submission of his free will…..my dominant status becomes unacceptable between us as a couple.

*I cannot, will not dominant someone who doesn’t want to be dominated or displays a constant penchant for challenging me as the Domme…even with the intent of trying to “help me” be a better Domme.

If my submissive isn’t willing…

I move from being benevolent and pleasurable as a partner…….

to being oppressive and abusive.

I become a bully taking advantage of the sentiments he has attached to me as his life mate.

 Being dominant isn’t about taking advantage of the bottom’s weakness….it is about the weakness being a place to be conscientiously vigilant  and watchful to make sure I do not take advantage of the person who trusts me to be his dominant.

To make sure in the process of dealing with his weaknesses I am working for the benefit of both of us…to make him sturdier in his submission. My job is to make sure he knows he can trust me when he is at his most vulnerable …that trust is tenuous if he has to worry that I won’t know what we do is for the betterment of us as a couple.

The mind boggling almighty conundrum here:

 He craves me taking advantage of his weaknesses and vulnerabilities to benefit me as his Domme……..B*U*T he needs me to do so in a constructive manner…not with detrimental motives.

Plain ol’everyday live-it-for-real English:

A dog kicked too many times…will stop coming home.

I will and do…. cherry pick…….where, when and how  I am the dominant ….based on my partner’s likes, dislikes and hard limits….hard limits always being the principal dynamic in the choices I make as the D in our “D/s” relationship.

He has the ultimate say in how much he will be controlled by my domination and that gives him the upper hand on how much I dominate him…..so in the bigger scheme of things…he –—-as the bottom—-has all the control.

He should be fully invested on all levels…not just the “hey this makes me hot and horny levels” because he is as responsible for our stability and security as a couple as I am.

He has to use HIS VOICE…and HIS WORDS…when he isn’t happy with the way things are. He can’t avoid being a decent partner under the guise of calling sub and hope I will just “figure out” what might be wrong in our relationship in relation to his wishing to offer submission.

We live D/s 24-7…….kinky and no kinky…I am always the top.

I make all the decisions in our life, (outside those that go with the business we own….but even there I have a certain amount of input, influence and persuasion…but can be over ruled without the overrule effecting my status as the Domme in our life overall.)

In our life over all:

 If he doesn’t agree with a decision I make he has two choices:

Suck it up and live with it without acting like a brat…or speak up and tell me why he doesn’t like the decision I made and work with me to find adjustments that work for both of us.

Acting like a brat to make the point he didn’t like my decision…negates my position as his Domme….a position he asked me to assume on his behalf.   For me this means he has to work double time to make sure I don’t feel overburdened or exploited by his actions while being the Domme at his request. Being a responsible BDSM companion and telling me why he isn’t happy with my decision, then working with me to make adjustments ….that works for both of us…..but works at my root interest….keeps my power as his Domme intact and is offering submission freely. Him doing this, speaking up and letting me know something isn’t working for him……. offers me the veneration that should come with “free will” willing and heart felt submission.

I am not BDSM hard wired so he has to “teach me—enlighten me” when it comes to the things he craves that are of a BDSM nature…but he has to do so without demanding I do it a certain way. This is a slippery slope…….because it can go from “let me show you what and how” to him TFTB—topping from the bottom…in the blink of an eye. It isn’t his job to define HOW I will do anything in the vein of being the Domme…it is his job to share with me his ideas and help me find ways to integrate what he craves with what works FOR ME as someone who has learned to acquire the BDSM nature.

Back to this:

I cannot, will not dominant someone who doesn’t want to be dominated or displays a constant penchant for challenging me as the Domme…even with the intent of trying to “help me” be a better Domme.  

It is not his job to teach me HOW to be a “Domme”…it his job to show me what he would like… with humility    —and hope what he likes is something that has an importance for me and I have an interest in adapting it to fit my ways.

It is not his job to make me a better “Domme”—to bring “out” my inner Domme by doing things to force me to use my dominant status on him.

So the D/s in our world goes like this:

Q——Who is in “charge” the Dom {Domme}or the sub?

A——The Domme as long as the sub is offering submission with free will….but in the bigger scheme when the sub stops offering submission of their own free will….or become difficult to deal with because they don’t like the way things are going they dethrone the dominant. The dominant either becomes a totalitarian autocrat or a figure head.  The dominant is only as “free reigning” dominant as the submissive consents to.

~~~~***~~~~

Q——Can subs teach Doms {Dommes}?

A——Yes, as long as the sub understands the distinction between offering guidance and TFTB. It’s a thin line and easy to cross and hard to recover from if the sub isn’t willing to step back and let the Domme….lead with what she has learned in a manner that works for “Her Domme style”.

~~~~***~~~~

Q——How involved in the D/s process is the sub?

A——All in…totally vested in the investment of the D/s practice ………between the couple.

~~~~***~~~~

Q——In a 24/7 or longer than a night of play D/s relationship can Doms{Dommes} make changes/decisions for subs.

A——Yes, as long as the submissives feels he is benefiting by letting the Domme make all the choices and in the process of being a “submissive “hasn’t left the Domme to carry the burden of the relationship  and leaves the Domme to clean up any fallout from choices gone wrong…….by themselves.

From → Monkey Mosh-Pit

8 Comments
  1. ankoku1331 permalink

    Thank you for continuing to address questions I and others have asked. Much appreciated.

    Like

    • You are welcome! 🙂

      Thanks for letting me drag you to the burbs and ping your brains out….*charming-evil grin and wink*

      You like Devil Dogs?

      I have half a box left over from my last trip to see guy #2…it’s his favorite post coitus snack….I figure what the hell…it’ll make a good post ping snack.

      🙂

      Like

  2. Because I can feel the questions whirring about in the bloggy universe… And somebody needs to ask, so it might as well be me. 🙂

    You said,

    “If my submissive isn’t willing…

    I move from being benevolent and pleasurable as a partner…….

    to being oppressive and abusive.”

    SO.

    What about Gor-ian philosophy of ownership? Where subs/slaves can be essentially bought/sold/traded?

    What recourse does a sub have if hard limits are crossed, safe words are not respected, etc.?

    If/when D/s becomes BS… And a “dominant” becomes an abuser… Are there protections/protocols within the BDSM community?

    Are there mentorship relationships between Dom/mes? If so, are these issues addressed? How?

    *

    Also, BDSM breakdown:

    BD = Bondage & Domination
    DS = Domination & Submission (D/s)
    SM = Sadism & Masochism

    The three-part breakdown (BD, DS, and SM) is how its referenced in my neck of the woods, in case anyone finds that helpful.

    *

    Re: Can subs teach Dommes?

    Maybe the question, “WHAT can subs teach Dommes?” would be a good one to address. The original question implies a curiosity about whether a sub can teach a Domme *how to* be a Domme. When, in reality, I think subs can teach Dommes a lot about the D/s process (contracts, limits, fetishes, sub space, pain thresholds, sub space, etc) without teaching HOW to be Domme.

    If that makes sense.

    Like

    • Damn Monkey…….the Feve is in your
      J
      E
      L
      L
      O
      !!!!!!!!

      I’ll get a hammer…who’s got nails??

      This stuff is gonna be a bitch to get nailed down…..

      ………………………………………………………………………………………and The Feve better be current on her tetanus shots if she’s going to be roaming around in the scrapyard in my head…

      cuz no-shit-Sherlock…

      I had a bit about Groean d/s ~and~ Gynarchy FemDom in the posting…then took it out cuz I thought it needed to stand alone…because neither one start with a foundation of SSC or RACK…and both make the vein over my left eye twitch….and both are the makings of blood sport type board/flame wars…and both need some space to elaborate and it turned the above OP in a wicked wall of Willy Wonkaish words where even snozberries tastes like snozberries but they only taste like snozberries when they are on the Willy Wonka wall of words….so ummm…that’s the long way to say……

      Stay tuned….

      Same bat time…

      Same bat channel…..

      Right after this message brought to you by the Wonka Bar!

      (IN other words…I need to finish what I started in this post and let the G&G (gor and gyn) have their own spot.)

      I need a ping cuddle now…..that gave me a headache!

      Like

      • (((((cuddle)))))

        Can we have snacks too? I’m always hungry after a good ping.

        Like

  3. Okay now on to Mrs. Fever’s own buy one get three free!!

    And of course we can have post ping noshes….
    I am of the Queen of the
    “Fuck me—-Feed me” clan…..
    (another title thrust upon me by the men in my stable…for bottoms…. they are a damned bossy bunch! I tend to attract S.A.M type men…..BDSM kinked or not.)

    A good fuck warrants sinful and decadent snacks….

    It would follow suit…that a good ping would warrant the same!

    🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

    ————————————————

    Quoting Mrs. Fever:

    What about Gor-ian philosophy of ownership? Where subs/slaves can be essentially bought/sold/traded?

    What recourse does a sub have if hard limits are crossed, safe words are not respected, etc.?

    These questions were answered here:

    https://thesuburbandomme.com/2013/04/11/gg-aka-gor-and-gyn/

    ——————————————————–
    Q—–If/when D/s becomes BS… And a “dominant” becomes an abuser… Are there protections/protocols within the BDSM community?

    A—–I am a “fringy and proud” BDSM player.

    I don’t hang with a “BDSM community”.

    I have contacts who are part of diverse BDSM communities…both side of the D/s coin…..Femdomme and Maledom……but I am not part of what they are part of. Some are acquaintances I have met over the years trying to find my own way and style; a few are now considered friends and mentors.

    From the chats I have had with these folks…..they are in communities that demand the application of SSC and RACK….and tend to shun the players who would not play by these rules.

    Myself…anyone who plays outside SSC and RACK….they are fools AND breaking laws that should have them persecuted and prosecuted.

    I firmly believe in “To each their own”.

    BUT……

    “To each their own” only has a leg to stand on…when the legs are firmly planted within the bounds of legal limits.
    ———————————————————–

    Q—–Are there mentorship relationships between Dom/mes? If so, are these issues addressed? How?

    A—— I would hope that is what we are doing here…this chat and the chatter that spawned this one…

    https://thesuburbandomme.com/2013/04/08/pinging-the-monkeys-brains-out-muuuwaaahahahahaha/

    And the ones this one will spawn…are in the vein of mentoring.

    Helping people who are new to the lifestyle, looking for personal answers or just an overall understanding of the lifestyles.

    My own quest/ hope….. is to able to help women who are shell shocked and confused by the concept of BDSM and FemDom dropped in their lap by a partner. I’m not sure what I am doing would qual as mentoring…..but I hope the information I provide and what comes from the others who add to my own thoughts will help these women feel like they have a safe place to learn and ask question…..an the end result…we as a group…become a mentoring influence.
    ———————————————————————————

    Quoting Mrs Fever again:

    Re: Can subs teach Dommes?

    Maybe the question, “WHAT can subs teach Dommes?” would be a good one to address. The original question implies a curiosity about whether a sub can teach a Domme *how to* be a Domme. When, in reality, I think subs can teach Dommes a lot about the D/s process (contracts, limits, fetishes, sub space, pain thresholds, sub space, etc) without teaching HOW to be Domme.
    If that makes sense.

    Right here from the quote:

    When, in reality, I think subs can teach Dommes a lot about the D/s process (contracts, limits, fetishes, sub space, pain thresholds, sub space, etc) without teaching HOW to be Domme.

    BINGO!!!!

    The Lady Fever takes the Blue ribbon prize for best entry in this question section.

    Like

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. G&G (A/K/A Gor and Gyn) | The Suburban Domme

Don't be shy!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

The Suburban Domme

The Suburban Domme Living with a (semi) submissive man

O Miss Pearl

Non-professional perspective femdom & kink with awesome erotica.

Elene Sallinger

Award winning author of Awakening

E.T. Enter Tangentially

Cross Words raise your blood pressure, Crosswords raise your vocabulary

Temperature's Rising

It's getting hot in here...

%d bloggers like this: