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Step One: Defusing powder kegs.

by on March 21, 2013

I can’t tell anyone “how” to be a Domme…..but defusing powder kegs….is the first place I would suggest anyone start.

What are “powder kegs”?

Emotions and expectations that need to be dealt with up front so they don’t smolder like dry kindling  under pressure and then explode and leave emotional blood and guts all over the place.

Most men expect 24-7 D/s to be all kink—all the time, that the Domme is being Domme using some kind of kinky maneuver with every breath she takes.

 Start here and get real, defuse this powder keg first:

Accept the fact “24-7 D/s” is a confusing misnomer.

It doesn’t mean  all kink—- all the time.

What my husband had to come to terms with and accept:

24-7 D/s means he lives in a FLR (female lead relationship) that has some BDSM kink added in.  I am not going to be running around “being the Domme” all the time and it isn’t my job to keep his horny hormones jacked up 24-7. And if we are going to play BDSM kinky……I need time to shift into that mode and mind-set because it is not my nature to be a BDSM is a learned nature for me and he has accept that and not expect more than I have to offer. That does NOT mean he is settling for “less” it means he is doing what he asked me to do when he asked me to accept his BDSM kinky nature..he is accepting BDSM kink isn’t my thing but I am willing to work with him for his wants as long as he is mindful always…of my needs to “be the Domme” for him.


Accept the fact “24-7 D/s” is a confusing misnomer.

I know women who came into the BDSM lifestyle on their own and the partner they live with is as BDSM kinky as they are and even THEY admit as a couple… is never 24-7 kink. They have days they may not have time or the energy for kink play. They spend most of their time interacting as a couple in the real world, as life partners and parents. Kink is a PART of their life…….it is not “life is part of the kink”…and she is the one in charge of how and when the kink will be used. As time goes by and the Domme gets comfortable with being in charge and with the kink that is being asked for…….it starts to build in layers. It’s about building the kink into the life you live together……not trying to build the life around the kink.

When a couple takes the first steps to adding the D/s to an already established relationship there is no way around the fact the “sub” is going to have to help the partner asked to try the lifestyle.

Since I don’t think “BDSM kink”…..I had to know what it was he was wanting from D/s interaction.  When we first started trying to incorporate the lifestyle into our sex life I needed his help. He took this as me asking him to direct me as the “Domme”. As much I needed his help I didn’t want him telling me HOW to “be the Domme”….in other words T.F.T.B. (Topping from the bottom)

Negotiation can put a stop to some of this.

It can’t stop all of it unless the man is willing to work with the woman and let her do things her way.

Consider a contract. This can help ease into the idea of “TPE” (total power exchange)

I work from a “kink as a reward” stand point as opposed to using kink to train or punish and ALL kink play starts with him knowing he has to toe the line to get kink play.

A contract built from this foundation starts with setting parameters of what has to be done to earn kink play. It also sets the parameters for when and how kink play will be part of the relationship.

Unlike my husband……….I can NOT eat, sleep and breathe kink. I must have a down time away from it. I need some space in our sex life that is just the two of us reconnecting without BDSM kink in that connection. I need him to focus on MY kinks.

When BDSM kink is in play…since it isn’t my “hard wired” nature….I can’t just “relax” and roll with the flow.

I don’t get aroused by his idea of kink play. That DOES NOT mean I don’t enjoy what is going on……any time I can get my man worked into a frenzied aroused state… is a turn on…… but if I am using BDSM kink to get him there…it means I am not getting my kink jones fed, I am building my arousal off his reaction so I have to stay focused on getting him aroused instead of focused on what turns me on.

A common “powder keg in the making” situation I have noticed for the couples I have talked to:

He expects what arouses him to do the same to his partner and he stops trying to get her aroused, he stops using foreplay and inserts “being a BDSM submissive—as foreplay” expecting her to be aroused by his “submission and the chance to use BDSM on him” and expects her to be all hot and ready to go—at the drop of a hat.

That’s not fair and it is cheating her out of her own “needs” when it comes to the sexual aspects of the “couples sex” that should happen between a couple for a healthy relationship. Just because she agreed to try…doesn’t mean she should have to give up what she wants and needs in the sex life in the relationship.

There is NO SHAME in telling your man BDSM kink doesn’t do it for you…it doesn’t make you “less Domme”.

It isn’t the ability to perform some type of BDSM activity and be aroused by it…..that makes you the Domme.

Being a Domme starts with a mind-set and standing up for YOUR wants and needs.

We aren’t all hard wired the same way when it comes to anything in life….and sex is one of the places that hard wiring is hard core and can cause all kinds of misfiring synapse when we have to try and fit into another’s “ideal idea” of what a sex partner should be.

There’s no reason for a couple to NOT attempt to adapt to each other if both are comfortable with the idea…but it has to be a give and take two-way street….and that adaptions doesn’t mean one giving up things they need for the other. It is working together to make sure both partners are feeling safe and heard when trying to reason out how the adaption will happen. To often men expect women to just “morph” into a Hell Bitch Domme and become a woman who doesn’t need “nilla sex” (*gag*). They don’t like to know that his BDSM freak…doesn’t do anything for her. They want the BDSM to be the only thing she focuses on and they want her to be aroused by it. I see a twofold reason for that:

First…no decent man wants to be that selfish…so selfish that he straight up ignores his partner’s needs for his own. Rarely I have encountered a man who was so single-minded that he wasn’t concerned about how much his partner enjoys the sex life they share.


Second…the more she gets into the BDSM aspect…..the less work there is for him…he gets to kick back and cruise on the “sub high” and let her do all the work to get the horny hormones flowing for both of them.

BUT that ONLY works if she is hard wired to be aroused by BDSM…if she isn’t……… the man is still going to have to work to get her aroused.


 If you are game to add the BDSM facet to your sex life…..but still need things outside the BDSM spectrum……… without BDSM…….TELL HIM THAT!  Make it clear you are willing to add this twist to the relationship but you will not give up things you need so he can have what he wants.

A contract can help defuse powder kegs.

In the contract…..detail exactly what it is you won’t do without.

My husband had the crazy notion we would stop having intercourse, that he would stay locked up in some sort of chastity device 24-7. No intercourse…..I’m not gonna play AT ALL.

(A little more detail here in the blog: )

I don’t expect it every time there’s a sexual interchange between us…but I do expect it…I do expect it on demand and I expect it to happen without BDSM kink when I just want to flat out to get laid. If I am in that kind of mood…….I can’t relax and just enjoy what’s going on…if I have to be “on” as the Domme.

These were just two of the powder kegs we had to defuse…but it took getting these two defused before we could go to work on trying to get any of the other ones defused.

Whatever looks like a powder keg to you……start defusing it before you start building the foundation for your FemDom BDSM kink play.

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