“Don’t count your blessings”
I got pushed into posting this morning. I do mean pushed, she shoved the laptop into my hands and told me to sit and get busy. She “Dommed” me into it. No, not really, that’s my fantasy version of what took place. What she really did was hand me her laptop and said “Help me out here” then politely asked me to weigh in on the recent blog postings. She specifically asked if I could recall and count how many kinky things I dropped on her in the first conversation we had about using FemDom and D/s in our sex life.
I think by the time I let that cat out the bag, I had already finagled my way into getting her to use a lot of my kink urges on me over the years. I had never outright asked for any kind of corporal punishment/pain play to be added to what she already did. I never had the nerve to tell her that’s what I wanted but it was always on my mind, as far back as I can recall. She had been dressing up and role playing for me for as long as I can remember, it just never had any domination or pain play in the role playing, but in my mind any role play ultimately became FemDom fantasy. The cucking fantasy, that was the first thing I ever brought up and I did that just a few weeks after we got married. She took that “suggestion” and managed to use it to tease me without ever actually following thru for a lot of years.
I think what happened when I asked about the FemDom is we got names, examples for all the things she had been trying to figure out about me for years. Once I did ask about the FemDom and she said she would at least try, I saw that as a green light to ask for everything that had ever popped into my mind and the dam broke.
I wanted long term tease and denial, I wanted to be locked up in a device and if she was really into it she could throw away the key (anyway I hoped she would be that into it) I wanted forced femming, I wanted c.b.t, trampling, strap-on play and canings, wax play and branding. I wanted gags and masks and blindfolds and tied up. I wanted deprivation by being locked in a dark room alone. I wanted her berating me along with s.p.h. I wanted to be ordered around and forced to do all the housework in the nude, or even better with some kind of something tied to my sac and her dragging me, beating on me with a whip and yelling at me because I didn’t do it “her way.”
I’m up to how many kinks now? I wanted it all and I wanted it all as fast as I could get her to do it and I wanted our sex life to become the model life for a sub like me. I wanted it to be all kink, all the time and she would be THE DOMME! And she would be so happy to use my kink urges on me because that would get her the perfect partner. Being all kink all the time meant I had to be a good sub because that’s what good subs do, we do it because we are forced and it takes kink to force us. A little over the top there? Of course it is, but my little head was happy about the fact it had finally got to be the topic of conversation. I was brain dead from the neck up once she agreed to try, all the blood in my body pooled in my crotch and stayed there, I had a persistent hard on. I didn’t hear “try” I heard “yes”.
I did drop all this on her within the first week, possibly the first 48 hours or so of asking if she would try adding FemDom to what she already did for me. I was unloading a kink list longer than the U.S. Constitution. I was emailing her links to websites and ordering books and toys daily. I didn’t always tell her what I wanted with my own words, I would send her links of stories and other things and tell her to read it and she would know what I wanted. The books, I know how much she likes to read so it seemed fitting to send her books, because after all she loves to read. I just knew because she loves to read she would be ecstatic to get the books and would do like she does with a lot of things she reads, she would devour them in one sitting and absorb all the helpful knowledge in the books.
I ordered toys and hoped when they arrived she would open the box, be thrilled and ready to use them when I got home from work. What I usually walked in the door to was a wife whose eyes were puffy from crying and quiet. Not sullen, just quiet. Serendipity quiet, is a sad thing. She is only quiet when she is overwhelmed by someone or life. She doesn’t overwhelm easy, but not only did I overwhelm her, I wasn’t slowing down. She said yes and I was going to use that yes to make up for all the time and things I thought I had been missing out on.
Yes, yes I am a self-centered son of a bitch. It is still “I am” not “I was”. I can still let my urges get ahead of my logic and get too pushy and too demanding, now days though, I listen when she tells me to knock it off. At times like that I retreat for some down time and think about what I have and what I risk losing if I don’t keep myself in control and I remind myself it isn’t her job to force me to stay in control of my own libido and actions toward her.
I am trying to come up with a “number” for the amount of kink I dropped on her in such a short time. I think it would be somewhere in the neighborhood of 17. That is just what I brought up in the first few days of hearing “I’ll try” and thinking that it was a hearty “YES!” from her. That doesn’t include the ones I had shared with her before I asked about FemDom and it doesn’t include what I have shared with her since those first months ( years?) as we struggled to get my urges under control. I’m not sure I want to even count how many kinks are in the list now days or how many of them she uses now days.
I guess it might be a case of “Don’t count your blessings.”
The Suburban Domme 
Truth be told…I don’t want to know a number…….because the truth is…no matter what number he came up with…it wouldn’t match my own count….because we do suffer from a “disjointed view” of what is…or isn’t…kink.
He tells me all the time I’m not kinky…….but I AM!
I have my own kinks…they don’t fall into his “BDSM” type kink loop……..so he doesn’t see them as kinky..he sees them as just being nilla’ sexual.
(Example…he doesn’t see my dominant nature as kinky….that’s only kinky when applied in a “Being the Domme” type set up….
And the semantic circle goes round and round.)
I see things he say’s aren’t “BDSM kinky” …from my point of view….are nothing but 100% BDSM kink.
We have agreed to disagree on this topic…and keep our funny bones exposed and claws OUT of the mix when we do disagree over the whole ball of wax.
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(Example…he doesn’t see my dominant nature as kinky….that’s only kinky when applied in a “Being the Domme” type set up….
And the semantic circle goes round and round.)
That’s not exactly true.
It is that dominant part of who you are that drives me crazy and has me wishing you could see yourself “as the Domme” all the time. Not just as “a” Domme who is using some kind of kink to motivate a lazy sub, but as the brassy, balls to the wall woman you are with other men. You scare the hell out of many of my male coworkers. I can always figure out which ones are actually afraid and which ones are aroused by you and that, the fact you arouse them, is what is intimidating them. No they don’t tell me you turn them on, but it is in the way they talk about you with me. I guess in some ways I feel almost disrespectful by seeing that part of you the other men see as “The Domme” because I know that part of you isn’t about your sexuality, it is just who you are as a person. You would be that way as a man. Seeing you as “The Domme” is sexual for me and it isn’t fair of me to force that part of myself on your personal interactions with others. The semantics are going around and around, for sure. I’m not sure that even makes sense.
Before I get myself in too much trouble here, I need state there are men I work with who don’t think she is all that and they don’t have kind things to say about her. Not all men are into brassy women. Neither she nor I send much time worrying over these men because everyone is entitled to their opinions. If one of these men happens to share their opinion with me, my stock answer is “To each their own, she’s stuck with me for over 30 years; I guess one of us must be doing something right”.
By the way, it is more often her getting it right.
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Clarification:
The “before I get in trouble”…isn’t about me and the guys he works with…it’s about the message that might be “seen” in what he was saying about how men see me…and that all men want to be dominated.
Another fallacy that I am hell bent to stop having it spread.
Not all mean want to be dominanted….ask the Fem Subs who have Masters.
Kinky or not…..some men don’t take kindly to dominant aggressive women in the everyday world……..and trying to tangle with that kind can be dangerous…..walking around thinking all men will cooperate when a woman tries to dominant them……. kink or not….isn’t going to end well.
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You’re honest. Self-awareness and honesty do not always go hand-in-hand, and then there is the ‘he says’ and ‘she says’… And there are more than two sides. Always. Because ‘what really happened’ is all about how events are interpreted.
I applaud you two for you communication.
I am married to a man who “is not kinky” and “is not into BDSM” and who looks at dressed-to-torture porn-type FemDom photos and runs screaming from the room. Yet he is kinky, he is into activities that *definitely* fall under the BDSM umbrella, zooms into the Land of Hardcock when he sees me in stilettos, and loves to be subby.
Everyone has their own journey. Having names/labels to apply to desires/drives can be just as helpful as it can be harmful. Reading your (as in you, the collective ~ the two of you) story is interesting to me, because in many ways my own is a mirror image; in other ways, it’s like standing behind the observation glass of an interrogation room. I read about this list of 471 things and wonder… If I’d had a list to work with, would it have been easier or harder? I had to find my own way, and figure out what my partner wanted, when what he wanted *did* have labels… But those labels were ones he didn’t want to own.
Another label. I won’t get into (lack of) ownership of *that* one.
In one of Serendipity’s previous posts, writingthebody said:
It *is* a lot of work.
It’s worth it, with the right partner.
But it’s a lot of goddamn work.
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It *is* a lot of work.
It’s worth it, with the right partner.
But it’s a lot of goddamn work.
—————————————————-
Can we get that in flashing neon sign……for the gate at the front of the Burbs where I live?
That message rarely breaks the surface in most of the information out there about trying to survive a man who wants to pull a partner in.
Too often the concept of being wrapped around her finger and locked up and chaste……leaves the impression…as soon as ~she~ gets the clue as to her rightful “natural” position as the “Queen” and owner of his penis…………it will all be roses,sunshine and everything will just fall into like “magic.”
(And it is okay to keep pushing her so she’ll finally understand the “magic”.)
We have to all find our own path…….and the path is possibly going to be full of pitfalls and potholes….knowing that going might make the recovery time shorted when we do hit the pitfalls and potholes.
I stopped falling into black, scary and dark potholes and slipping into the pits, felling like I had fallen down a rabbit hole…….once I had an idea of what kind of kink was buried inside his perverted brain.
Didn’t mean I was going to work with them……
I only picked the ones that could work for me….but letting him get it all out…stopped him from blind siding me with them when he was Uber horny and his mouth over rode his common sense
“Shut the fuck up—- you moron”
censoring systems…and mid sexuale encounter he would spit out all kinds of shit..that well..hell….pretty much killed it for me.
Nothing like hearing
“Oh that feels so good…….it would better if you would punch me in the balls and bite my dick really hard while you are doing it”……
while giving him head.
(One of MY favorite kinks…and yes that is a kink..
I know it is because way back in high school……..
A girlfriend told me only kinky girls give head!!
*snort* :p
That’s how I found out he has his c.b.t. kink.
BUT…I knew nothing about c.b.t. and had no idea any guy would ever ASK to be punched in the nuts. I don’t have a gag reflex…but that night I did.
Live and learn………and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…or you attempt to kill the one who thought you would learn, eh?
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Hilarious! when heard from the “outside” and in hindsight (not intending a pun, but inevitable.) Not hilarious considering the being overwhelmed parts. Regardless of the content, a loving relationship takes a lot of work. Thanks for sharing.
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