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by on February 4, 2014

Tit for Tat

Score keeping.

I hate this game.

I don’t keep score of what I do for others—it devalues why I do the things I do.

AND—- it drive me bat shit bonkers when I clue into the fact someone I allowed on to my cloud…is keeping score.

I recently had a conversation with Eargasm guy (guy#2) that had him outing himself as a TFT score keeper. The irony is……he wasn’t keeping score….. thinking I owed him.

He was telling me what he owed me for the things I have done for him in the last 15 months. His life has been utter insanity thanks to one huge natural disaster and whole bunch of “life sucks” mini dramas. Some of the drama is self-induced but most of it is just the way life goes. Each thing alone wouldn’t be much more than a speed bump but all of them cascading and piling on—– his life became a mess of nothing but pot holes.

I am—first and foremost his friend.

As his friend I jumped in to offer help where I could. I offered the help I did because I love him. I am not in love with him but…… I do love him dearly as a friend…… so my own “nurturing nature” kicked in when I saw him struggling….. just as it would with the people on my cloud who are near and dear to me.

When he started doing a running tally of what I had done for him….out oud….the end result of the conversations was me saying:

“Enough stunod!

Just say thank you and move on FFS!”

Why would be I be so brazen, so ungrateful about the fact he is expressing how appreciative, beholden he is for what I have done for him?

I was brazen, I wasn’t being ungrateful. I was seeing the matter-of-fact writing on the wall. Being appreciative is wonderful, being beholden isn’t.

Why not beholden ?

If his brain was computing the things he felt he owed me, the brain being what it is——meant somewhere in his thought process—— he was also computing what I owed him for the things he has done for me.

Would he ever come out and tell me I “owed him”?

He hasn’t yet….but some day he will. It’s human nature. The day he does this I will be able to look him square in the eye and remind him I don’t keep score and I have proved it. I don’t need anything from him, the things I want from him, if he isn’t willing to offer them to me without a check list of “I owe her because” then I don’t want anything he has to offer me.  There are things I feel I owe him, but they start in my core, in the person I am in a relationship, not from things he has done for me.


(or maybe fortunately?……I guess it depends on if you see the glass half full—or half empty)

Eargasm guy gets to suffer the brunt of my education in the school of hard knocks of being married to a man who is more kinky then I.  There have been times in our marriage he tried to play the “But-but-but” you owe me T-f-T score card game.

When he popped open his FemDom umbrella

( I call it that because he saw FemDom as an umbrella clause in our sex life—-a place to get everything BDSM kinky wish his horny heart could desire)

He started trying to play the “T-f-T score keeping” in relations to things he did for me as “my sub”.

I wasn’t used to this…because he has always indulged me……and I indulged back.

We indulged each other…without “thinking about it”.

It was

“I do this because I love the way you love me”


He knows I love Peach Nehi..a soda pop that is hard to come by…..but he knew of a place to get it and he would suggest we go for a “Peach Nehi run” when I was down in the dumps and just needed some fresh air and away from the house….or sometimes he would bring one home as a surprise.

I know when he is feeling gloomy……he loves a super-sized bowl of Coco Crispies with just a dab of milk, the remote and down time on the sofa.

Even back then we were struggling over his kink beast……but there was no score keeping in the sexual aspect of our relationship…and even back then I did indulge his kinky nature as best I could with the limited amount of understanding I had about it. Things didn’t really go off the rails until….. somewhere in this entire FemDom umbrella opening up stuff…..“just plain I do this because I love the way you love me” stopped happening and all the sudden everything was about

“I am being sub right now, see!

See— look!!

SEE how subbie I am—so you will own me some BDSM kink

because I did dot-dot-dot for you

because I am so submissive.

He knew before he started this crap…how much I hate the T-f-T score keeping…but it was like his brains turned into MUSH once he popped open the FemDom umbrella.

This has been addressed in other blog posting……

(see posts about B.A.D. men—

and he had read some really bad information on how to convince a partner to be your Domme…..and to save my BP from going off the charts and giving me a pounding head ache…I’ll skip this for now.)

It got so bad…I didn’t want him doing a damn thing for me…nothing.

I found myself pulling away from him because I knew if he did anything for me…it was going to end up on his T-f-T score card as a “you owe me”. It took us a good two years to bring this to a screeching halt……it almost cost us our intimate relationship as a couple and it almost gutted me is I tried to find my footing in a world that is so out of my own hard wires sexual nature.

To this day….

There are still remnants of the damage this time in our marriage did to me and us.

As I said earlier….Eargasm guy….is suffering the brunt of me suffering thru this with Monssieurnotasub.

There are still times when he makes a grand gesture of indugence…..I have to fight the

“OH SHIT….what is he going to expect from me for this?”

For my birthday he bought me a pretty nifty German sports car….. it took some time to find it….. net searching and making phone calls. He was a man on a mission to find the exact one that fit me and my go faster bug….and seven hours at the dealership ………to get it in the driveway.

I was at Eargasm guy’s place when he finalized the details…and he called to let me know what he had bought…and sad to say—not proud of it…but being honest… heart skipped a painful beat…….left over from a time that wasn’t fun.

Fortunately……he knows the damage that was done back then and he knows now days I need to know he doesn’t expect anything for any gestures….and he didn’t miss a beat on the phone…….. when adding

“I did this because I love the way you love me.”

He DID get a pretty good “kink treat” for the gesture…….


I did it…

Because I love the way he loves me.

From → Back Story

  1. I seriously need to email you.

    Suffice to say: I get it.


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