Stepping out on the tight-rope.

Serendipity is going nuts over the fact the blog is sitting posting dormant because of her health issues, so doing my best “Mighty Mouse” impression: Here I am to save the day. This is a combination of addressing the Q&A session with Mrs. Fever and coming clean about my misguided notions about what I was doing when I brought up the idea of adding “FemDom” and D/s to our marriage.

I am going to give each response to Mrs. Fever its own post. These things thought/asked by Mrs. Fever are things Serendipity and I used to argue about often.  Used to argue about, we no longer argue about these subjects, but they can still stir some pretty heated debate.  Being frank, they aren’t question I want to answer because they point directly to how selfish I can be when it comes to my own fetish nature. Yes this makes me uncomfortable but not for the reasons one might think. I don’t enjoy being in the hot seat because I don’t like the feeling of convictions that come with where I am right now. As uncomfortable as that is, what is the most disconcerting part of answering the questions is in knowing my answers are ones that should have been the things I was thinking about before I started asking for the things I asked for. I still have a hard time dealing with what I put Serendipity through to get what I wanted and I will always worry that someday, even as good as things are now, I worry some day she will hit that one wall she can’t get over and she will walk away from me. I worry all the good she sees in me as her husband won’t be enough to overcome the negatives that my kink nature has brought into our marriage. I will for the rest of my life with her, be trying to make up for the damage I have done in the past.

This is type of honesty is always much harder than I imagine. I thought I could boil my answers down to specifics. My need to be succinct and efficient when writing always gets disoriented when I am quizzed by women about my kink nature. Not because of the gender factor or a “horny” factor” it happens because women tend to go to the heart of the matter faster and shoot holes in my standard philosophies on kink. One of the hardest things I had to deal with was when I gave up surfing sites that had more men than women discussing kink. I had a habit of cherry picking sites to show her; I would only pick what  worked in my favor, I only sent her info that would help me get what I wanted. I did tend to look for sites that are “guy getting it his way-angled” in discussions about kink that were more about patting each other on the back and bragging about their own accomplishments for how they got a wife to go along with their ideal ideas of D/s, I wanted other guys to tell me how they got their wife to let them have their way. No way around it, what I said comes across as sexist or as in an “us against them” (women against men) comment. Sometimes it is that way when looking for information on how to introduce a partner.

I did avoid sites that didn’t play into my own ideal idea of what I wanted.  All the internal thinking and self-assessment I have done over my own kink and what they do to us as a couple has been brought on mostly by what women had to say about kink and have said directly to me about kink.  My comfort zone in the past was to keep my head down and let Serendipity calm down and hope in that calm the questions would stop and she would just go ahead and do it my way. Once she found other women who were dealing with men like me, the calm was gone for good and she turned the tables on me. That’s the best thing that ever happened in relation to my kink nature and what it was doing to us as a couple. I know Serendipity isn’t real big on the idea of telling people “how” to do this, but I am going to stay right out, if you want to do this with the least amount of grief, look for women who understand kink, D/s and FemDom and what it takes for them, the woman,  to be able to be an active happy  part of a relationship to get the best advice about how to bring the topic up with your wife and don’t be surprised when you hear them saying the same things to you your own wife is saying and get a clue:

There’s a reason you are hearing the same thing from other women that you hear from your wife. Of all the things I know now days I wish I had known back 12-15 years ago when the idea of adding this to our life started forming as an idea:

Based on my own experience of letting men influence what I thought FemDom is about, most men don’t know squat about FemDom or what women need or want when it comes to being a FemDom participant.

Men only know what they want it to be like and I say this as a man who wanted my wife to just accept my way as fact and do it my way, but make it all seem like it was her idea, like what I wanted was exactly what she wanted also. I didn’t know squat  about what women really thought about any of this until I got throw into Lionesses den, a den full of women who did know exactly what they wanted and they took my wife under their wings. That’s when I really got a clue I didn’t know squat and I am lucky I didn’t blow my marriage up to the point it couldn’t be pieced by together by the last person who should have been doing it: My wife.

Off the pulpit and back to why I am here as Mighty Mouse: This is my fourth attempt at trying to answer the questions, it will be my last, what gets typed in the next hours/days is going to be posted, in sequence, as time and alligators permit. Loin girded again as I step out on the tight rope in the typhoon.

https://thesuburbandomme.com/2013/04/19/head-on-my-shoulders-space/

Mrs. Fever said:

Quote:

Let’s dissect this, shall we?

And Monssieur Notasub replies with a submissive nod… “We shall.”

Corrosive mood-killer for horny = Thinking in a logical, intellectual manner and discussing the realistic logistics of the fantasy.

Constantly aroused headspace = NOT THINKING space.

So the way I’m interpreting these words = “I want to live in fantasyland and not deal with the reality of the situation.”

/end quote

I, Monssieur Notasub, nodding as I reply:

If I had a dollar for every time Serendipity yelled the last few words of the above quote at me over all these years we have been dealing with my kinky nature, I’d probably have a couple of thousand dollars stuffed under the mattress. You didn’t interpret what I was saying wrong. The biggest appeal my kinks have is in the fact they keep me in that aroused state that I crave. Everything I request from her that has to do with sex has some kind of kink attached to it and I use that kink aspect to get the arousal. I have been this way all my life, as far back as I can remember. I have sexualized things that I didn’t want to deal with. Needless to say at some point I had to come around to being realistic about the circumstances and deal with them in a real world manner, unless it had to do with her and my kinks. And this is where things get fuzzy. It is where I have the hardest time finding words that are succinct and efficient.

As I have said, I never expected her to follow through with the cucking fetish.  Once she did, I couldn’t allow my feelings that would get in the way of getting what I wanted to surface.  What would get in the way would be admitting I got exactly what I asked for I just didn’t get it my way. Being honest about that allowed resentment and anger I didn’t know (think) I had to surface. I never considered if she did follow through I would feel any jealousy, resentment or anger over the other relationship. I didn’t think that far ahead because all I could think about was how good all the “kink feelings” that came with the idea felt. I do this with all my kink wants, not just the cucking. There’s a lot of “delusional diffusion” that goes with accepting the fact I didn’t get what I wanted but did get what I asked for. It is the circle in circles thing Serendipity talks about.

Clarification of “my way”:

“My way” would have put me in control as the director and I would direct her to do it my way but make it look like my way was her idea. I was used to her taking my kink hints and just doing what I asked, allowing me to direct without admitting I was directing. I was spoiled and coddled by her up to the point she did bring another man into our relationship. If there was blatant point where she stopped doing it my way and did it her way in doing what I asked her to do with my kink urges, it would be when she added another man to the relationship between us. (Circles in circles, I know.) Chastity play didn’t turn out to be what I thought it would be. Rather than think about how it isn’t what I wanted, I take whatever it is she offers me and turn it into a fantasy of how it would be if she had done it my way. That keeps the dissatisfaction and anger of not getting it my way from surfacing.

I’m not trying to validate or defend how I do what I do; I am trying to explain why I do what I do. I could throw a surreptitious blanket over what I do and say I do it this way to save her the grief of dealing with what kind of a jerk I can be when my kinks are ruling my thought process (and that’s about 99.9% of the time). Truth is the dissatisfaction and anger of not getting it my way, gets in the way of me enjoying what I do get, so I do this more for my benefit then I do for hers. She knows all this and has told me as long as me doing this won’t prevent me from getting out of that frame of mind when we need to deal with the real world issues my kinks cause between us, it is something she can deal with.

The most important thing to her is that I be honest about why I do what I do so she isn’t blindsided by my actions that won’t match up with my words.

Truth is overall, I didn’t anticipate having any negative feelings if I could just get a little of what I was asking for. I’d been getting a lot of what I asked for all along, I was so busy worrying about not getting all of it to see what I was getting and when she hit me right in the face with something that was an adamant “no not going to happen” for some many years (the cucking) I had a whole lot of feelings surface that I didn’t even consider were possible for me to have. And the biggest one to come to terms with was the fact I got what I asked for and I had no control over how I got it, after years of telling her she could do it her way if she would only do it. I will always have to work to make sure my negative feelings about this don’t end up punishing her for doing exactly what I told her she could do. My way to avoid that is to live in that fantasy land until I am yanked out by the cyber shirt collar by  my wife or one of the women who knows my wife.

I’m not sure how much this answer will help. It took us years to get to this point, where we, as a couple, found some understanding that allowed us to be able to discuss just this part of my kink nature and not have it turn into a war, the war always started by me being defensive and not wanting to confront and deal with what my kink nature did to us as a couple.  I would imagine as much as Mrs. Fever seems to be like my wife, this won’t be an answer as much as it will be a spring-board for more questions. (And that is typed with a grin and a nod of “I understand exactly what I got myself into.” )