Butterflies and dust specks…….

I am in perpetual state of chasing butterflies and picking dust specks out of the air to individually scrutinize intently…….to the point of getting lost in a world that means I lose track of the world going on around me.)

~~~~~*AND A FUTURE READER ALERT*~~~~~

 Heads up…adult chatter here…the topic is somewhat geared toward living with A.D.D./ O.C.D.…..but it is geared toward living with A.D.D./O.C.D.  and a kinky lifestyle at the same time….so if your aren’t over 18 and you aren’t looking for info about kinky life styles….best to close this and walk away NOW!

A.D.D. is not conducive……

.

.

.

.

.

.

To leading a functional, consistent sexy-kinky-sex life….

AND………

It can lead to confusion and frustration for the “wanna-be-sub” that is kept by a “trying-to-be-a” Domme………who is A.D.D. riddled.

Circles in circles!

I am a dealing with the flair up of an old back injury that has me taking meds that not only kill my sex drive…they also send the A.D.D. off the charts. I wasn’t responding so well to the meds that have been used for years to manage the back pain….so the docs changed the old ones out for new ones…….and

OHHHH HOLY SHIT!!!

It took me a couple of days to figure out WHAT was causing the A.D.D. to warp speed me into lunacy.

It doesn’t help that I have a pain threshold that some docs say

“is without logistical, medical reason—–off the standard 1 to 10 pain scale norms—-I don’t show up/ask for help with the management of the pain until I am past the standard procedures for managing the pain.”

I would make the ideal sub for a true “hot for inflicting pain” dominant….

Except…ummmmm……

I don’t get a “rush” from pain…I don’t crave it….I don’t want it…pain makes me mean and bitchy…..and very, very obstinate, I will buck up against anything that causes/issues pain for me.

Pain pisses me off. It kicks in my “fight or flight” instincts and any pain my body “self induces” starts a fight between me—my thought process—— and my body to not let the pain win…..not let it drive me to my knees screaming uncle and begging for mercy (and more–as my wanna-be-sub is prone to.)

Pain makes me more indomitable…..so I would be a nightmare sub because I’d be the sub who would reach up and knock the teeth out of a dominant’s mouth…or gut kick them and then have to make an E.R. run to fix some broken ribs.

As if that’s not enough…

When my A.D.D. goes off the charts…..I am space cadet styled “Speedy González”.

Making a cup of coffee turns in to a frantic O.C.D. type fit of rearranging the area where the coffee pot is.

I forget I was standing there to make coffee…

………………..because I looked up and noticed one of the coffee flavoring bottles was out-of-place……

……………………………..I start getting them straightened up then see the “K-cups” aren’t stacked even….

………………………………………….I stop fixing the bottle arrangement….

……………………………………………………………………………………………. and start on the k cups

……………………………….but then notice across the room……

My son took a book out of the book-case but didn’t fix the books he pulled it from……..

………………….so I go over there to fix the book-case arrangement…….and start pulling out books that are not the right place or in upside down

……………………………………………. and I have a stack of books at my feet

…………………………………………………………………………..……………………………..when

*BAM*

……………………………………….I notice the bottles for the coffee flavors are still out-of-place and I go back to the bottles……

SEE! Circles in circles!!!

I have “self-taught coping skills” for the A.D.D. and O.C.D. that have served me well all my life.

Better living through modern chemistry fucks me over big time. Body/mind/mood altering drugs flat-out fuck over these self-taught coping skills.

~~~~~***~~~~~

The A.D.D. is off the charts….but more so the O.C.D. that goes with my A.D.D…is off the charts. It took me a couple of days to figure out WHAT was causing everything to start misfiring in a way I couldn’t manage it on my own…with my own self-built— built-in—default system.

~~~~~***~~~~~

It starts with a crazy “motion sickness type feeling”

Motion sickness starts in the “inner ear canal—where our sense of balance—our equilibrium triggers are”…I have had all this tested and well…docs say

“That works fine…..you are an odd duck”….LOL)…but what hits me isn’t caused external influences…it’s my own body that creates this motion sickness.

Ummm…am I making my readers queasy yet*empathetic nod here*…..…..wait……..there’s more.

*Leaving HUGE bottle of Dramamine ~~HERE~~*

~~~~~***~~~~~

Imagine this….the worst case of motion sickness you have ever had……..even closing your eyes won’t help it subside because the motion that caused the sickness to kick in…….is still there….rolling and rocking…….. and closing your eyes just intensifies  the feeling.

Now imagine that being applied to everything in your world right now, this very moment……… that has motion…… to it.

I can’t watch T.V…..anything image wise that has back and forth movement in the scene…makes me queasy.

Numbers…ummm…..numbers in this state, trying to dial a phone number—-do simple math——cause a meltdown that would rival the TMI bubble.

Typing…..at times like this…UGH.

I can’t watch the screen as the cursor and words flash across the screen because it makes me physically ill. Soooooo……… I type looking at the keyboard or with my eyes closed….….. and then have to go back and edit typo, add missed words…and on and on.

Its mind numbing and laborious work……for a mind that is already numbed and worn out from the fact even making coffee is a challenge.

Scrolling text up and down…OMGOMGMG…..

Sooooooooooooo just what the hell does any of this have to do with D/s?

Well……..in this state of mind……..

I am worthless as the “Domme”…not being BDSM hard wired means I have to “stop and think apply kink” to make sure I am adding the kink I (willingly) agreed too…when I (willingly) agreed to be the Domme…to our life.

Fortunately my “wanna-be-sub” seemed to not only spontaneously adapt the new kind of crazy my A.D.D. brought into his world when he meet me…but he has…. over the years…….fine-tuned this adaption to the point…it is seamless when he is helping me deal with it. He does it without thinking about it and he does it without making me feel stupid or embarrassed by what the A.D.D. does to me. (There are no words for how important that last part is to me…..the fact he understands this crap isn’t all of who I am…that this crap doesn’t mean I am dim-witted or stupid…..well….it’s why I love him…even with the kink side that drives me up the wall some days…because lord knows ………..this part of my temperament—make up……… CAN’T BE EASY TO DEAL WITH!!!!!)

The downside to all this “he can be so helpful to me at times like this”……..taking care of me like this….strokes his kink beast.

He doesn’t often get to be my “full time care taker–slavish like—- waiting on me hand and foot and clearing the path for me as I make my way thru my day and my life………..In fact his fussing over me even a little…….. unless I specifically ask him to (asked not ordered……I never order him to do with anything) …..…him trying to take care of me…….. pisses me off to the point……. it shuts down my urge to add BDSM play to our life.

SO…( sorry damned butterflies and dust specks)  how does that stroke the best? Get the “dominant me NOW” kink beast fired up?

Many (most) of his fantasies are based on taking absolute care of me….as he is under my most “stern, crop wielding, hateful word spewing Domme posturing.”

When this crap takes over my world…he becomes my absolute care taker—my slave–but he has to do it without the kink aspect of us—- so along with being on his toes above and beyond what he is usually as my partner and as my “sub” he has to do all this will tempering and managing and wrangling the kink beast…..ON HIS OWN.

My libido is D.O.A. and so is my attention span.

In this state of mind….I am more prone to meltdowns…….then I am to “heat-ups”.

And the meltdowns…well fuck me running…….I had “mini-one” while trying to get this typed up.

He’s working from home today, trying to swat alligators via the phone and email as he inspects each one trying to decide if it will make a good alligator purse for Lady Feve —-and wants to know if she wants matching shoes–he say’s every woman wants a purse and shoes that match—-and warns her the hides on these gators are pretty scared up…but it does make for some interesting character in the hide.

ANYWAY…

(butterflies and dust specks)

He stayed home……because I scared the shit out of him last night when I went down stairs—to grab a load of laundry out of the dryer to bring back upstairs to fold—–got distracted and started rearranging the pantry down there because a can ONE CAN was out of place. After about 15 minutes he realized I wasn’t right back up”.

SO ummm……wall of words…….and words and words……

And I won’t EVEN…..

Get started on how often I wonder my own ADD issues are more ~N*O*T~ A.D.D. but a bizarre manifestation of the Manic/Depressive biological/physiological goop type chemical issues……. that seem prevalent on the maternal side of my family and extremely pervasive in the women on the maternal side of my family.

And on that note…..my wanna-be-sub is standing in front of me…telling me to put the lap top away and eat some lunch….the lunch he has on a tray….a lunch he prepared for me…..knowing that right now my diet is as imperative to my being able to stay on even keel…..as figuring out the right dosage of meds to manage the back pain…….so all the foods on the tray …are foods he knows will help smooth the edged off the A.D.D./O.C.D…..and he knows this because he spends hour doing research on the effect foods have on our bodies because he knows it something I obsess over.