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Nailing Jello to the wall…..

by on April 16, 2013

Please note:

 If you found this post thru a key word search using words that pertain to mental health, please take my advice and stop here. Tho I do address the topic, the overall content is of an adult nature and you may find it disturbing or offensive.

I have two people in my world that have been diagnosed “Bipolar”.

That word annoys the hell out of me.

What both people are is manic-depressive.

I understand needing a “better word” for identification purpose, I understand needing to take the angst and stigma off mental health issues so seeking help won’t make the one who is dealing with the issue  feel like “damaged goods and un-repairable’.

I understand needing a “communal word” that makes others feel comfortable enough to want to understand what goes on for the person diagnosed with any mental health issues…but using the word “Bipolar” for manic depression…to me…… is like calling cancer “just an infection”.

Just-an- infection……… doesn’t carry the life changing–challenging encumbrance— the word cancer does.

The word Bipolar doesn’t have nearly the weight to it the words “manic” and “depressive” have.

Having been the primary care giver for both of these people…the word “Bipolar” just doesn’t begin to indicate the absolute hellish nightmare and fall out it can create for the one diagnosed and the ones who are the care giver, and for family and friends who interact with the person diagnosed.  It is one word for two very distinctly different destructive, terrifying behaviors.

I get the “need for words to be such and such—-for this to be that”…….and….may be…could be….. there’s no way around how the words get used…..but maybe by being more vocal and dissecting words and examining them……. a more in-depth “real life, applicable explanation” of a word used in a certain context if someone needs a better concept of a word…..someone who did the dissecting will give the one searching……. something to grasp that helps them process BDSM in a more “not hard wired for BDSM” friendly manner.

Words have weight…and bear down on us in so many different ways, we don’t always feel them or hear them with the intent they are meant. Finding words that work…that really evoke a vision of the message we are trying to relay and picking just ONE word and using it at the wrong moment ……..can take what is a civil conversation and send it sliding down a slippery slope that isn’t going to end well. One word can shatter the calm of discussing our “kinky nature” with someone who is trying to come to terms WITH that nature.

So many times my husband used the wrong words to convey what he was looking for when we addressed his carnal nature as a couple trying to get on the same page so our words MESHED and didn’t create confusion and hurt feelings or scary nightmarish thought. He didn’t do it on purpose…he was just a bull in a china shop……. when he tried to talk to me about his kinks….he was too busy using the “BDSM buzz words” that turned him on…..instead of considering those words for me…were scary as hell!!


And often the words we use…the weight we intend for them to have….isn’t the weight assigned by the ones who listen to us…or read us.

I found an interesting discussion on the “weight of words in the BDSM lexicon” here:

Elene approaches the topic as an author….considering and pondering the words of the lexicon and the weight they carry with readers.

Elene tackled the euphemisms used for pain play and did it quite well…….I’ll let her words speak for me and hope others will have a look at what she said and ponder that as they ponder what I say here.

She actually struck a huge chord with me over the words “beat and beating” because those two words became the bane of my existence as my husband traipsed thru the word mine field looking for words to get his message across without scaring the bejesus out of me.

Far too often the word “beat” was used by him…or in the texts he asked me to read….and it left me feeling queasy and my emotions about what he craves, about being part of a couple who implements BDSM…chaotic. It really did create a conflict in my thought process.

Now days we have sorted through all that……but I still I have my own bones to pick with the lexicon.

A lot of the words that are in my own BDSM lexicon….. ….are there…only  because……. they are “buzz words” that amp up my husband’s carnal nature when it comes to his domination fetish.

I call him sub….but he’s ~a –wanna- be~ to the core…he works hard to be submissive…..but he will always be more about being dominated then he will be about being submissive…and now days HE owns that…so it makes things a lot easier for me. His actions match his words…….because I KNOW I am not being bamboozled.

{>Soooo ummm ..

I use the words he likes to hear…..words that he responds to in the process of trying to find that “submissive sweet spot”.

*scratching head as I ponder*…..

Does that make me a


(The BDSM vernacular thrives on acronyms)

Am I a…..Quasi-Bastardizing-Word-Smithing Hypocrite?

Am I too much part of the problem to be part of the solution? <}


The topic here is the weight of words…but the some of the  “context intent”  is to get the ones who wish to ask a partner to consider the lifestyle…carefully…the words they choose to use when they do bring up the topic. It is important to keep in mind the one you ask may not process the verbiage the way you mean it.

Consider the personality of the person you wish to speak to about the subject…..think about their thought process.

If you know them well enough to consider asking about adding the lifestyle to an existing relationship that has thus far been “kinkless……or without the kink you crave”…………then you know them well enough to know what their thought process is like…choose your words accordingly.

Don’t sweet talk/candy coat it….be honest…just consider the weight your words will have and don’t crush the one you drop the words on.

If you aren’t sure what words to use……..or how to say something…….take advantage of the folks around here to help you find the right words.


The word “consent” is a word that can start flames wars that would singe someone sitting n Mars…looking across the planetary system as an observer.  It may well be one of the most confounding and bastardized words in the BDSM lexicon. The bastard child of the BDSM lexicon.

I prefer the term “informed consent” but there are ways on top of ways to purport—signify—relay the fact all involved understand what is going on and agree to what is going on.


I honestly abhor the lexicon moniker “FemDom” because what comes to mind more often than not when the word is used: a size two, long-legged, pert-and-perky –all-over female that runs around dressed head-to-toe in pleather, nine inch pleasure heels, cracking a whip and screeching like a howler monkey and owns a passel of slaves…or the notion the “FemDom” life they live is all kink all the time…nonstop.

(*ears piqued*

Do I hear cyber-sabers rattling?

I’m NOT saying some women don’t live it that way.

I am saying…out of the upwards of 75ish women I know personally who practice some form of “FemDom” lifestyle……even the ones who crave the structure/protocol of FemDom and all the good bits that go with…even THEY have down time in their lives that has nothing to do with their FemDom kink urges.)

ASK a woman who uses this word in her “kink lexicon” to describe herself…….. what it means and most likely the answer you will get will be along the lines of —it means “owning my sexuality as a dominant person”.

Can I be the screeching howler monkey with a whip? Sure can…in a scene…for a short period of time but it is NOT how I live my life as a sexually dominant woman. I would dearly love to find another word for my side of the lifestyle.


I am in a “diamond poly” relationship…..but I call what I do…cucking…and him a cuckold because the words trigger his horny hormones much more than the word “poly”.

But you can imagine what kind of confusion arises when I refer to my husband as a cuck……then go on to explain how the “cucking” plays out for us.


I prefer the words “carnal nature” over kink appetite because even in our kinkiest ways around our place we are more than just “kink” in our carnal nature. As much as my husband would like to think “kink can stand alone” from his carnal nature…it can’t. Carnal nature for me, indicates our WHOLE being…a  (w)holistic  approach to who we are when we are lusting for each other or to have a kink urge fulfilled.


The word vanilla…oh lord:


The word “slave”…I will never get my mind around that one…that word…. as a “true and real word” for a person who bottoms…because…well….if they were truly treated like a slave…..the end result would not be good. The guys (*and “FemDommes”) that throw the word around like it just “a cool way to say I want to be her submissive (*I want a submissive) and have her play kinky with me” …..

UUMMMMMMMMM…..…me thinks most of them—the “wanna be slaves”….. would make a fast run for the hills if their partner truly “enslaved them” in the factual meaning of that word….MY OWN husband included…hell if I really treated him like a slave….he would lead the revolt himself.

And the ones who are in that circumstances…that have truly been stripped of their human rights and are enslaved……_____*insert your Deity here*_____ help them.

BUT the word slave is popular and quite common in the BDSM vernacular….and as someone who got dragged thru the looking glass kicking and screaming…into the world of living a BDSM lifestyle to cope with a man who is 1,000 times more “BDSM kinked” then I am….…that one word…was another one… “beat/beating”….. that had me wanting to turn and run screaming from the room when my husband used it to “convey” the kink his carnal substance craved.


The word kink….ummmm yeah:


So….ummmm…is this all….as

 The Lady Feve would say…

clear as mud?

I need to step back and regroup…….cuz

 If this were a map it would read:

WE ARE HERE……no wait….we are here……..ooooohhhhhhh crap…no-no-no we are really HERE…

No wait…that’s not right……. I think ….ummmm…..I think…….*surveying the horizon* …….. we might be lost.

We need to be in that spot where the Jello nailed down…. stays nailed down….

Any one got THAT part of the map???

(WHEW…………….the kicker is……. I didn’t even scratch the surface of the dirt that is over the bones I wanted to pick.*eye roll here*)

From → Amplifications

  1. Interesting that you should start this conversation with a mental health diagnosis. In terms of preconceived notions and controversial use of verbiage, I’d say it’s an apt comparison. And ‘kinky’ can be as confusing to understand as ‘mentally ill’ ~ with both having manifestations that register anywhere from 0 to 5 on the Fujita scale.

    And then there are the psychological aspects of BDSM to consider as well.

    And I know more than one sub who suffers from depression. Which, as facts go, is a fascinating one. To me it is anyway.

    But I realize that was not really the point today, so I’ll try not to go off on a tangent. For once. 😉


    Coming to an agreement about __________ means __________ takes time. Trying to establish collaborative definitions is an exercise in patience. And the head-spinning discussions that ensue can exorcise one’s patience.

    And regardless of how well one THINKS they know their partner, it’s a lot easier to get wires crossed than it is to get them aligned in a parallel fashion. So I’d advise anyone starting out on this high-wire climb to avoid doing so during a storm… Cuz you’re likely to get zapped.

    Some of the things my spouse and I have discussed in terms of _________ means __________:

    Sex (no joke; our definitions of “I had sex with that person” are vastly different from one another)
    Sexual Partner
    Fantasy (as in, depending on the ‘level’ of the fantasy, it’s either do-able or it’s not)
    Intimacy (mental, emotional, physical, sexual ~ and yes, physical & sexual are separate things)

    And you’ll notice… I haven’t even listed the BDSM stuff yet…

    The terms used in any discussion, especially one so deeply personal (and sometimes guilt-laden) as those that involve sex/sexuality/sexual identity…

    Words have power.

    There’s nothing quite so obnoxious as unsolicited advice, so this is NOT advice. I’m just sharing information: My husband and I have been together just over ten years. We communicate regularly, and we communicate WELL.

    Even so…

    For TEN YEARS he’s used the sentences, “I had sex with __________,” -or- “I’ve had sex with _____ people.”

    To ME, that meant he’d put his dick in a ridiculous number of vaginas.

    To HIM, that meant he’d had *some form of sexual contact* (usually short of penis-in-vagina intercourse) with approximately a gazillion people.

    OH. MY. GOD.

    Ten years! And what I *understood* was not what he *meant* at all!

    So my not-advice?

    Start with the terminology you think is “obvious”, and work your way up from there. Best not start running before you even learn to crawl.


    Ahem. Wordy, much? Good grief, Feve…

    Vocabulary: It’s what’s for breakfast. 😛



  2. Okay did you check to make sure the volume on the megaphone was as high as it would go?

    Cuz I reaaaaaaaaallllly hope…..the ones in the back only sort of half paying attention heard what you said.

    And I can see your shot records?
    Specifically your tetanus shot record… bump around in my head like that and there’s so much rusty stuff in there, it makes me worry!

    I had the hardest time NOT veering off into the “tangent” of how depression seems to be a commonality for subs….for the reason…… that the truth is…….
    AND……… the reason I chose to start this post the way I did…*heavy sigh*

    I can relate to the “manic” and “depression” in more ways than just having to be the care givers for family for are “bipolar” (*grimace*)…at times trying to get the kink to work here was a massive mess of manic depression…I was manic and he was depressed!

    And then*ha-ha-snort* you climb even farther in my head and remind me of something I was thinking but totally forgot to add to the rambles of the post.
    Some of the things my spouse and I have discussed in terms of _________ means __________:

    For Monsieur Notasub…. “making love and fucking” A*R*E the same thing.

    To me….
    When I say “fuck me” I am looking for kink play in play…mine and/or his….when I say make love to me…..I don’t want anything in play but our skin to skin contact and slow gently enjoyment.

    To him kink and love are the same……he sees me using his kink urges on him…….as an expression of love and……..they go hand in hand.

    To me kink is “the extra stuff” that gets thrown in…..when the mood and the time is right……I don’t need to give or get kink……to feel the love in his touch when we do have sex.

    How’s that for activating a sit and spin?

    And you feed everyone breakfast before I put them on the sit and spin…..we made need to make a run for “air sick bags”. 😛


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