Buy one…….get three free!

(Note: I have added the term {Domme} to the questions as a reference  point for others who are new to the lifestyles and to indicate….there are different titles for the F/Domme and the M/Dom. The answers to the questions come from a Domme.)

There are a lot of “life conundrums” that rival the oft used baffling conundrum:

“Which came first the chicken or the egg?”

In the BDSM world……without a doubt…the chicken and eggs of the lifestyle are the following questions:

Who is in “charge” the Dom {Domme}or the sub?

Can subs teach Doms{Dommes}?

How involved should a sub be in the D/s process?

In a 24/7 or longer than a night of play D/s relationship can Doms{Dommes} make changes/decisions for subs.

The BDSM philosophy of the ones involved in getting the lifestyle in place for them and the ones they practice the lifestyle with…… is going to be the determinant factor in the answers to which is chicken and which is egg…and which came first.

There are as many philosophies to BDSM…

As there are philosophies to theology, the route to world peace and solving world hunger.

BDSM philosophies  

All start out at the same basic level.

BDSM equals:

Bondage

Domination

Sadism

Masochism.

But……. from that point they become wider and wider and more and more varied….. as more people become involved in the process of defining what the basic doctrine means to them.

My “BDSM” philosophies are based on Female domination……and based solely on free will of the ones who “offer submission” to me as the dominant. They are also based on the fact I am not BDSM hard wired……all my awareness of —all my interest —- in a BDSM life style…… is developed….in order to find common ground with him.

The four questions posed here…… in my mind, in my “way” of being a Domme in a D/s relationship….…cannot stand alone.

The instant my “sub” is not giving over submission of his free will…..my dominant status becomes unacceptable between us as a couple.

*I cannot, will not dominant someone who doesn’t want to be dominated or displays a constant penchant for challenging me as the Domme…even with the intent of trying to “help me” be a better Domme.

If my submissive isn’t willing…

I move from being benevolent and pleasurable as a partner…….

to being oppressive and abusive.

I become a bully taking advantage of the sentiments he has attached to me as his life mate.

 Being dominant isn’t about taking advantage of the bottom’s weakness….it is about the weakness being a place to be conscientiously vigilant  and watchful to make sure I do not take advantage of the person who trusts me to be his dominant.

To make sure in the process of dealing with his weaknesses I am working for the benefit of both of us…to make him sturdier in his submission. My job is to make sure he knows he can trust me when he is at his most vulnerable …that trust is tenuous if he has to worry that I won’t know what we do is for the betterment of us as a couple.

The mind boggling almighty conundrum here:

 He craves me taking advantage of his weaknesses and vulnerabilities to benefit me as his Domme……..B*U*T he needs me to do so in a constructive manner…not with detrimental motives.

Plain ol’everyday live-it-for-real English:

A dog kicked too many times…will stop coming home.

I will and do…. cherry pick…….where, when and how  I am the dominant ….based on my partner’s likes, dislikes and hard limits….hard limits always being the principal dynamic in the choices I make as the D in our “D/s” relationship.

He has the ultimate say in how much he will be controlled by my domination and that gives him the upper hand on how much I dominate him…..so in the bigger scheme of things…he –—-as the bottom—-has all the control.

He should be fully invested on all levels…not just the “hey this makes me hot and horny levels” because he is as responsible for our stability and security as a couple as I am.

He has to use HIS VOICE…and HIS WORDS…when he isn’t happy with the way things are. He can’t avoid being a decent partner under the guise of calling sub and hope I will just “figure out” what might be wrong in our relationship in relation to his wishing to offer submission.

We live D/s 24-7…….kinky and no kinky…I am always the top.

I make all the decisions in our life, (outside those that go with the business we own….but even there I have a certain amount of input, influence and persuasion…but can be over ruled without the overrule effecting my status as the Domme in our life overall.)

In our life over all:

 If he doesn’t agree with a decision I make he has two choices:

Suck it up and live with it without acting like a brat…or speak up and tell me why he doesn’t like the decision I made and work with me to find adjustments that work for both of us.

Acting like a brat to make the point he didn’t like my decision…negates my position as his Domme….a position he asked me to assume on his behalf.   For me this means he has to work double time to make sure I don’t feel overburdened or exploited by his actions while being the Domme at his request. Being a responsible BDSM companion and telling me why he isn’t happy with my decision, then working with me to make adjustments ….that works for both of us…..but works at my root interest….keeps my power as his Domme intact and is offering submission freely. Him doing this, speaking up and letting me know something isn’t working for him……. offers me the veneration that should come with “free will” willing and heart felt submission.

I am not BDSM hard wired so he has to “teach me—enlighten me” when it comes to the things he craves that are of a BDSM nature…but he has to do so without demanding I do it a certain way. This is a slippery slope…….because it can go from “let me show you what and how” to him TFTB—topping from the bottom…in the blink of an eye. It isn’t his job to define HOW I will do anything in the vein of being the Domme…it is his job to share with me his ideas and help me find ways to integrate what he craves with what works FOR ME as someone who has learned to acquire the BDSM nature.

Back to this:

I cannot, will not dominant someone who doesn’t want to be dominated or displays a constant penchant for challenging me as the Domme…even with the intent of trying to “help me” be a better Domme.  

It is not his job to teach me HOW to be a “Domme”…it his job to show me what he would like… with humility    —and hope what he likes is something that has an importance for me and I have an interest in adapting it to fit my ways.

It is not his job to make me a better “Domme”—to bring “out” my inner Domme by doing things to force me to use my dominant status on him.

So the D/s in our world goes like this:

Q——Who is in “charge” the Dom {Domme}or the sub?

A——The Domme as long as the sub is offering submission with free will….but in the bigger scheme when the sub stops offering submission of their own free will….or become difficult to deal with because they don’t like the way things are going they dethrone the dominant. The dominant either becomes a totalitarian autocrat or a figure head.  The dominant is only as “free reigning” dominant as the submissive consents to.

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Q——Can subs teach Doms {Dommes}?

A——Yes, as long as the sub understands the distinction between offering guidance and TFTB. It’s a thin line and easy to cross and hard to recover from if the sub isn’t willing to step back and let the Domme….lead with what she has learned in a manner that works for “Her Domme style”.

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Q——How involved in the D/s process is the sub?

A——All in…totally vested in the investment of the D/s practice ………between the couple.

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Q——In a 24/7 or longer than a night of play D/s relationship can Doms{Dommes} make changes/decisions for subs.

A——Yes, as long as the submissives feels he is benefiting by letting the Domme make all the choices and in the process of being a “submissive “hasn’t left the Domme to carry the burden of the relationship  and leaves the Domme to clean up any fallout from choices gone wrong…….by themselves.