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by on March 24, 2013

Another serving of cold “you are a domination fetishist” crow. I am referring to comments made in the Dissecting Kink section our blog. I am being satirical, but not with a sour tone. I have come to terms with the fact this is who I when the kink urges are dominating my commonsense reasoning abilities. I didn’t come to terms with it easy though. Owning that as the main thrust behind my BDSM fascination made what she had always told me right: I was more interested in getting her to think what I wanted was for and about us as a couple but at the root, it was a way for me to get what I wanted added to our sex life. I didn’t want her to be “wrong”, I just didn’t want to admit how selfish I was being, in trying to get her to play along with me.

I have learned the shame wasn’t in being more about being dominated then being submissive. The shame is in the way I made a cognizant, intentional choice to attempt to trick her so I didn’t feel guilty for wanting something I knew she wasn’t all that interested in for her own needs.

I cannot get aroused without some form of domination. If she isn’t in the mood to “be the Domme” then I will fantasize my way into be aroused, I will be fantasizing about being dominated in some way. This is something that has always been in me. I have always needed this type of erotic stimulation to get aroused. I am a masochist. I want to be dominated and I want the domination to be painful and humiliating. The idea of being dominated by women other than my wife is titillating and exciting, but over the top excitement, only happens when it is her I am fantasizing about or she is acting as my Domme. That is what was behind pushing her to actively become involved in my wanting  BDSM sex play. There was a point just reading about it and thinking about it wasn’t enough but I didn’t want to have this happen with any woman but her. Some of the reason for this is based on the fact we are married but most of it is based on the need to be able to completely trust the person I reveal this part of myself to. Until I meet my wife my kink side was my secret. I had never shared any of the actual thoughts out loud with anyone.

Sad excuse, I didn’t know how to explain it to her until I found FemDom erotica and latched onto the “submission” idea to persuade her to use BDSM in our sex life. I wanted to believe if we could just get things in place right I would magically become a submissive kind of guy. I’m not a submissive kind of guy but I am learning to adapt to being one and doing it on my own. It isn’t her job to turn  me into a submissive.

  1. Nice to meet you, Monssieur Notasub. 🙂

    (Just an FYI: It took me a minute to figure out that it was *you* ~ not The Suburban Domme ~


  2. Well, that was just ridiculous. WordPress decided it was time to post my comment, and I wasn’t done. Hmph!

    As I was saying: It took me a minute to figure out who was speaking.

    You said, “I cannot get aroused without some form of domination.” So you are, indeed, a domination fetishist.

    You also said, “This is something that has always been in me. I have always needed this type of erotic stimulation to get aroused.” Which begs the question….. ALWAYS? At what age were you, I wonder, when you first recognized the direction your fantasies were taking you? And I’m curious: Did you, as you matured, tend to focus your lust in any way? Perhaps on people who held power in your life? People with authority? Or did you find yourself thrusting people you trusted into domineering roles within the safe confines of your own imagination?

    Additionally, “It isn’t her job to turn me into a submissive.” No. No, it’s not. But is it your goal to become one?


  3. reply by Monssieur Notasub before he got his own nic/av set up

    Nice to meet you too, and my goodness, are you my wife’s cyber doppelgänger? These are queries she has posed to me at one time or another over the years (countless times in many ways as if she is trying to trick me). I am inclined to ask if she put you up to this, but knowing you two only met in the last few days,I will write it off to serendipity that is biting me on the butt.

    Answering your questions: Age wise, I don’t have a number. My best guess would be I became aware of the fact I liked girls who were pushy and forceful about nine or 10. There isn’t one specific incident that comes to mind. I was 19 when I met and married my wife so my history as a single guy on the prowl for sex isn’t a long one. I would say as I matured from not teen to teen, my taste in pushy and forceful girls grew more polished. Refined to include a body type and hair color to go with the personality I was attracted to. I didn’t thrust my needs at anyone that I can recall, probably because I was drawn to women who had no trouble being in charge all I had to do was let them.Until I met my wife I wasn’t daring enough to express my interest in the weird thoughts that went through my mind about women, to anyone, much less the woman I was dating at the time. My domination fantasies were built from the relationship I was in at the time.

    My school boy “star crushes” and the original stars in my fantasies were Bettie Page and Dawn Wells (Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island) and I’m not sure I want to know what that says about me. The attraction to my wife the night I meet her stemmed from the fact she aggressively hit on me, started flirting with me and that evolved into her picking on me in a good natured way but in a way that made it clear she wasn’t going to take any guff from me. It felt like I was being “cat and mouse” vetted and I was the mouse. A couple of hours into this cat and mouse game, she made it clear she wasn’t going to leave without me and she didn’t.

    I’m not so lost in the scheme of being dominated that any woman can get me to the point I will be pliable enough to be dominated. I may be a domination fetishist but I am not a patsy or a push over. Overall I am not very good at letting go of being in charge, letting others dictate to or for me. In my work life I don’t deal well with people who are excessively aggressive and authoritarian. I tend to buck that kind of supervision and supervisory personality. I don’t deal well with being micromanaged outside my relationship with my wife. I am self-employed as a private consultant, so this doesn’t become a major headache in my life; I cherry pick my clients.

    Do I want to be submissive? I don’t have a straightforward answer for that. The express lane answer would be and will sound like a cop out but is the truth: I want to be whatever is the least amount of work for her when she has to deal with me and what my fetishist nature can do to us as a couple. Using the word submissive seems lame now days considering the outcome of “who we are” as a couple that uses a bastardized form of FemDom and D/s to help us stay on the same page when it comes to being a kinky couple. I saw it as a way to get the BDSM play I wanted; she saw it as a way to get control of something that was tearing her apart. The fact we found common ground in that insanity of my making, is nothing short of miraculous to me.

    From now on I will announce that it is I, the suburban submissive a/k/a Monssieur Notasub posting to avoid confusion. She is laughing as hard over the nickname as I did eargasm guy. She’s asked me to point out I don’t mean to seem humorless. I’m not fond of participating in discussion on-line, posting is awkward for me. I’m not nearly as animated as my wife in life, so on-line my personality comes across as abrupt and abrasive. For what it is worth, I smiled while I was typing this.


  4. This is the Domme Lady here……
    I will write it off to serendipity that is biting me on the butt.

    Sucks to be you, eh darling? 🙂 😉


  5. “I’m not so lost in the scheme of being dominated that any woman can get me to the point I will be pliable enough to be dominated.”

    This is very common. You might ‘kink to being dominated’, but your ‘domination fetish’ is person-specific. Fantasy and reality being two separate things.

    “In my work life I don’t deal well with people who are excessively aggressive and authoritarian.”

    This is also very common. Both for true submissives and for domination fetishists. And for betas.

    “…..bastardized form of FemDom and D/s…..”

    I’m intrigued by your choice of wording here. D/s includes such a broad spectrum of activities that, in my own personal philosophical construct, I don’t see any form of D/s as “bastardized”. Each individual has tastes all their own, and when working with a partner to create a unique ‘flavor’ of coupledom, no two recipes are going to be the same. Metaphorically speaking: In the fruit salad of D/s, you might prefer kumkwats and kiwi, while your wife prefers strawberries and mango. Different tastes? Yes. But the juices from each fruit have mingled in the mix, so your kiwi is tart-ish because of her strawberry…..and her mango is texturized by your kumkwat seeds.


    Fruit porn. It’s what’s for breakfast. 😛

    Moving on!

    As for announcing who is writing: There is an option, through the WordPress Dashboard, to add users to a blog. If your wife chooses to do so, you would have your own Gravatar associated with the blog, and when you post something from your own perspective, no announcement would be necessary. A tag line would be added to the post, stating “Posted by ______.” Just an FYI.

    And I find your writing style to be forthright and open; not abrupt or abrasive at all. But I’m glad to hear you smiled while writing your response. (Hopefully it wasn’t a smile of the baring-of-teeth variety.) 😉


  6. writingthebody permalink

    What an amazing set of posts… the raw honesty here….


  7. The suburban submissive asked me to pop over here and say

    “I’m not avoiding this, just trying to find the time to have the time to do more then read and run”

    wtb…..thank you.
    That “raw honesty” is how we managed to take something that was tearing us a part as a couple, turning an otherwise great marriage into a battle field and make it work for us but it took a lot of team work to get it to work.

    We both had to make changes and be more accepting of each other. We both had a lot of choices to make in the process of getting to the point we are now days.

    I’m damn proud of my man and submissive or not……(I never cared one way or the other)…….before we could get things sorted out where I stood a chance of ever being happy with the BDSM in our life…. he had to admit to himself things weren’t the way he was trying to convince me they were……he had to admit he couldn’t “be sub”—had no interest in the sub side of the D/s…… without the domination.

    Once he got to the point he was willing to own that…things got a whole lot smoother…not easier…but smoother.

    I stopped feeling like he was trying to “game me” into getting what he wanted and it took a huge chip off my shoulder. 😉


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