Before and after
The last few days…I have been making a list of kinks that appeared before he dropped the FemDom notion on me and what popped out AFTER the fact.
I tell him all the time he wasn’t looking for a “FemDom” relationship when he decided we needed to add it to us as a couple…he saw FemDom as an umbrella clause for his kinky nature…because everything he craves goes right back to his domination fetish.
Pre popping open the FemDom kink umbrella:
Cucking
Medical play
Water sports (golden showers)
Enema
Short term slave “play”
And a whole slew of “kinky quirky things” that I didn’t have names for…but displayed in his actions and behaviors and how things aroused him…… that made a whole lot more sense once I started understanding his kink nature and that blasted domination fetish.
(Typed with an exaggerated humorous sigh and eye roll.)
23ish years into our marriage he found “FemDom” porn…at about year 27-8ish he dropped the idea of being his Fem Domme in my lap.
Once he got that umbrella open, had names to describe and pictures to show……
what he craved….
It RAINED kink for months!!!
Money sub
Bondage play
Humiliation Play
“Forced” solitude
T&D/chastity
Pain Play…the short list of what he craves……….in the form of cbt, sounding, trampling, cropping, whipping, flogging, wax play, electro play
capnolagnia (smoking fetishism…..being used as an ashtray)
Mild forced femming
Toilet slave
Smothering by queening
Various types of anal play from prostate milking to strap on to wearing butt plugs for a set amount of time.
AND that’s the short-short-short list.
Every kink has a “mini chain” of kinks attached and they all circle right back to the domination fetish.
It was getting a good solid understanding of the domination fetish that helped me understand why he craved all the things he did.
Also, getting good info on what these things did to him….the way the worked on the chemical synapse in his body, the physiology….not the psychology…is where I started to really start making heads and tails of things that had in the past just had me chasing my tail.
All of these things in the porn…..the vids and the stories freaked me OUT! It was all over the top and out of my reach….or so I thought.
When he left me alone…let me pick and choose what I wanted to explore and didn’t push for more and learned to “live in the moment” with me…enjoy what I was adapting to and being patient until I was ready to move on to another kink……I discovered I could do a lot more than I thought I would ever be able to do.
He’s never gonna get everything on his wish list…
But now days he’ll be the first one to tell you some things are just fantasy fodder and should stay that way.
The Suburban Domme 
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS POST,I REALLY NEEDED IT THIS MORNING,THESE MEN HAVE TURNED THERE NATURE AROUND,IT IS HARDER FOR US TO DO THE SAME,WE NURTURE,IT IS HOW WE HAVE BEEN MADE,WE CAN NURTURE OUR LOVED ONE IF WE UNDERSTAND WHY THEY NEED US TO DO SO. WE LOCK DOWN WHEN WE HAVE THAT KIND OF AGGRESION COMING AT US OUT OF THE BLUE.. MY SUB HAS COME TO ME ASKING TO SEE HIS MISTRESS AS HE NEEDED HER,SOMETIMES I CAN TELL WHEN HIS LIFE IS GETTING A LITTLE UP SIDE DOWN,AND HE NEEDS TO BE BROUGHT DOWN FROM HIS AGGRESIVE WAYS,ALL I KNOW IS IT WORKS FOR HIM.AFTERWARDS HE IS MORE CALM.IT IS LIKE HE IS ON A TREADMILL,AND CAN NOT GET OFF.
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Kathy…you know I’m right there with you. That “like he is on a treadmill”, boy do I get that!! Hang in there.
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I really liked this post. It’s so funny and sweet, plus you’re describing solutions to problems that many people encounter.
What’s with Ms. Shoutypants in the previous comment?
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Thanks-thanks 🙂
One of the reasons we survived all the years …..we both have the same warped humor and we could pretty much laugh about what was going on…but there was a point I lost my funny bone…it just dormant and it was so obvious….family and friends were pointing it out, that something seemed “really out of whack” with me…they didn’t know WHY…..but he did.
That’s when he really clued into how much damage this part of him was doing to me, the toll it was taking on me trying to keep up with his demands…. and what it was doing to us as a couple and in turn creating fall out for our kids.
When it finally settled in on his brain that he had to get control of his kinky side or he was going to crush me……things did a complete 180 and we haven’t looked back.
(poor eyesight is the reason for all caps )
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I love reading your stuff..I have to say for myself I have some kinks that I find I crave. My man is not at all in to any of it, He has a hard time slapping my ass when we are fooling around..I have been in my relationship 7 years now and this is the first relationship I have had that Is not abusive. I have no abuse in my life, (except for the abuse I give myself, Sad But True) So I find a part of me wants to be abused, I find myself fantasizing about it at times….I think because I have lived more years of my life with abuse than without, is why I find I crave it….Now to turn it around and it was my man asking me what yours has asked you, I don’t know if I could do it…Because I love him I would try but I would have a hard time with it also,
I do not mean to put a label on any of your play, that is not my place, I just used the word abuse, because in my life that is what I know abuse….Mostly mental abuse which is the hardest to identify. Shit I thought something was wrong with me for years, because I was being mentally abused and when I could not take it any more i would start swing,,,,One of my girls dads said the stupidest thing he ever did was show me how to put my weight in to a punch because I know how to punch…
My relationships have been physical abusive, but it was me that always started the physical shit. I always knew if a man was going to beat me I would be gone, No instead I found the men that would fuck with my head and make me feel like something was wrong with me…Oh how I do not miss those days….lol
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Sassy..it’s all good. No worries.
I understood what you were talking about and didn’t think you called what I do with my husband abuse.
Believe it or not there’s a philosophy of working thru being abused (any kind of abuse) by using different forms of BDSM in the process, (it is an “edgy science and a bit scoffed at)…..as either the top or the bottom….so the one who experienced the abuse…knows what it feels like to be in control of the very thing that took the control away from them. It’s been a while since I read anything on it…I’ll have to do some digging to see if I can come up with the original info.
And there’s nothing “wrong” with craving what you do and it may not be because you were abused.
Who knows….had you made it thru life without the abuse you had to cope with, the abuse that has such a drastic effect on your emotional well being….you might have been hard wired to crave being spanked. You had your right to choose……. taken from you, before you were aware or old enough to choose for yourself…… and at a time you couldn’t defend that right.
Make sense?
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Completely…Thank You…
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I also keep in mind what you have said elsewhere….these fantasies are unrealistic, but if you are really careful you can have a bit of fun with them…
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Some things aren’t going to happen even as “careful-pretend role play”……because it feds the idea he really needs it to come to life. I found that out the hard way. 😉
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One day you may wish to say more about this….I am learning from all you write actually.
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