T&D, chastity, edging, compulsive masturbation and premature ejaculation.
T&D is the acronym for “Tease and denial”. I use it short term and long term.
I tend to incorporate the T&D play with chastity play.
When my husband brought up the idea of chastity play he had this idea that he would stay “locked up” and only allowed to cum once in a blue moon.
He gave “me” a CB6000 as a “gift”. ( insert eye roll and disgusted snort here)
He didn’t ask me if I wanted to use this type of play he just assumed I would be thrilled with the idea that I wouldn’t have to be bothered by having sex with him ever again. His idea was that we would never have intercourse again; any release he got would be through masturbation.
He had been brain washed by B.A.D. info into thinking I would be just tickled to death with the idea of him servicing me with oral sex only….…that I would be content with ordering him to service me and turn him into a pussy slave…and I would be over the moon with the idea of keeping his dick locked up tight so I knew he wasn’t fiddling with it.
What was really behind all this “But gee honey I am doing this all for you” bullshit snow storm was the fact he’s not keen on having an orgasm because that means the end of the high that goes with being aroused. If he had his way he’d never have an orgasm……he’d prefer to stay on the high.
Man was he wrong.
For starters I have NO intrest in giving up intercourse, his dick is my favorite sex toy and I don’t want to have to fight some contraption when I want to get my hands or teeth on it. And as much as I love oral it isn’t the end all be all for me. And a huge rush for me is pushing him TO orgasm, teasing him into a frenzied state where he can’t hold back.
THAT IS EROTIC POWER FOR ME!
AND…..I knew it wouldn’t work because I know him….as much as he likes to hang on the high of being aroused…….after a certain amount of time he wants an orgasm. Not having an orgasm becomes painful.
Before I go on…….I need a disclaimer:
BY NO MEANS IS WHAT I SAY MEANT TO BE MEDICAL ADVICE OR BY THE BOOK GOSPLE INFORMATION!
It is simply relaying conversation I have had with these two friends and others over the years. I’m like a five-year old…..I ask tons of questions and I’ll ask anyone who will stand still long enough to hear me out. I have the blessing of having a couple of friends who are in the medical field and they don’ mind fielding my questions. One is a registered nurse who works for an endocrinologist the other is an anesthesiologist who started his career as an ER nurse and a medic in the army so they are good “go to sources”.
I worried about possible health issues with long term denial. The male body is built to have orgasms……..so much so it will induce an orgasm on its own. Wet dreams are as much a bodily function as breathing and it can’t be controlled. And here’s a (not so much a) shocker…….we discovered that in “long term lock up” wet dreams are gonna happen.
Tho long term lock up doesn’t appear to have any disastrous effects on overall health, there are indicators it can cause some issues with prostate and the longer a man stays in lock up the harder it will be for him to get an erection or maintain one.
We never use cb “lock up” toys for more than ten days…..hell it rarely makes it much past five because his dick IS my favorite sex toy. One of my favorite types of play is CBT and when I want to play CBT games I don’t want that freakin’ piece of plastic in my way.
He goes into lock up at MY WHIM. He never knows when or how long he will be in lock up.
There’s a notion out there that “a horny man is a submissive man” and is supposed to back up the notion chastity is good for the Domme. That wasn’t the case here. In “lock up” my husband became a pain in the ass trying to hump my leg for more and more kink while in lock up. I’ve heard the same from other women who went along with the idea of using a cb and long term lock up.
As far as the emotional part of chastity goes:
Chastity is really about a state of mind. The tools are just visuals for the ones using them. If the guy’s heart isn’t in it…….it won’t matter how tight you lock up his dick…..it isn’t going to work. It won’t prevent a man from cheating—-it is not an answer to a relationship that is out of whack because trust has been damaged by deceit and/or infidelity.
Some men seem to think “lock up with a cb device” will help them stop a compulsive masturbation problem. If this idea is tossed at a wife or girlfriend…don’t be surprised if she rejects the idea because it effectively puts the burden of being a baby sitter for his dick on her shoulders.
Guys REALLY:
It’s not her job to help you keep your freaking hands off your boy bits.
Grow the hell up and be responsible! Asking her for support and discussing the use of some type of cb is a great idea…but don’t go into it thinking it is her job to force you to keep your hands to yourself.
I despise the term “premature ejaculation”.
It indicates there is such a thing as a “mature ejaculation”. I have yet to talk to anyone who has some knowledge on the subject say there was any such thing as a “mature” ejaculation. “Cumming to soon/too fast” is a matter of personal opinion. Are there ways to fix it? Honestly I can’t find a straight answer for that.
All the guys I know cope with the issue and they have their own quirky ways for dealing with. My husband stops moving and starts counting under his breath until the urge passes ( *laughs*) my guy number two keeps moving but says he is thinking about his grandma until the urge is gone ( ummm *gag* ……yeah that’s a little TMI creepy).One guy I know said when he is trying to slow down he recites the alphabet backwards.
Hey…whatever works…right?
Edging is masturbating close to orgasm. The idea is to “stroke” until the man is almost there, then stop until the urge subsides then start over again. Incorporating it into play is said to help slow down a speedy guy.
It didn’t work here, but it doesn’t matter, I’m not hung up on the “rate of time it takes” to get him to orgasm.
Food for thought:
T&D and chastity play may be contradictory to slowing down a speedy guy.
He worries more about it then I do but his reasons are because orgasm means the end of the arousal state he is after. I plan play accordingly and I plan ahead if I want to have extended intercourse. I know if he’s been in lock up—-teased and denied for too long—- just taking the cb off can cause him to pop! (*evil grin*)
Humiliation play and SPH mix well with T&D, chastity and edging.
The Suburban Domme 
You really are living it, and taking things your way. That is good – we masochists are manipulative, and we have these very cerebral ideas about what we would like to do….but under it somewhere is a deep notion that we could one day perhaps trust someone else. I suspect in fact that we do not trust very well, as we are so used to devising situations and scenes. I find your blog very interesting actually because it makes me question what I say and do.
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SOME OF THESE GUYS AND GALS THINK ALL US WOMEN DO NOT LIKE TO
FUCK A DICK….COM…ON PEOPLE,I BEEN DOING THAT FOR OVER 55 YEARS
AND GOING STRONG…DON’T COME TO ME WITH THAT..I WOULD SHOW YOU
THE DOOR !! I STARTED PLAYING WITH DICKS WHEN I WAS 5 YRS OLD,STILL
LOVE EM,ALL THIS S/M STUFF JUST GIVES ME MORE WAYS TO PLAY.
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Writingthebody, I am as impressed as all get out that you are so straightforward when owning what isn’t the most positive aspects of being a maso.
It took me a long time to get my husband to that point and it wasn’t until he (we) got there that it even became possible for us to get things smoothed out. I couldn’t help him change negative behavior that he wouldn’t acknowledge.
The manipulative part of his maso nature was something that really threw me off my game as his partner overall……….. because it isn’t his style unless he is angling to get some kind of fetish urge in play….then he is a cunning manipulative rat bastard extraordinaire. Which means chances are it has always been part of his nature he just worked to keep it under control so it didn’t cause issues for us as a couple…but once his libido and the fetish cravings got involved all his decency as my husband and common sense as my life partner went right out the window.
When this part of his nature started to come out….I didn’t know how to deal with it……. at first I really thought it was MY imagination, I thought I was being paranoid and over thinking things.
I wasn’t used to having to keep my guard up and watch my back when it came to my husband, that was a whole other nasty can of worms I had to sort through before I could even figure out what I wanted out of a FemDom D/s styled relationship.
The fact what I say makes you think about things…I take that as the highest form of compliment. Thank you!
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Kathy,
I’m right there with you…..I’m not giving up anything I had before he dropped the idea of FemDom D/s in my lap…..that would be the exact opposite of what FemDom is about…..me being in charge and me using him for my own pleasures. He got exactly what he asked for he just didn’t get it his way. Oh well……be careful what ya wish for…eh?
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THANKS FOR PAVING THE WAY FOR US NEW-BE’S. MY GUY WAS AND I MUST ADD STILL IS A DOM,AND SOMETIMES HE WILL COME OUT AS A DOM WITH ME,IF HE IS ILL WITH ME HE WILL SOMETIMES TELL ME ROLE REVERSOL, I WAS HIS SUB FOR A YEAR,EVEN THEN WE
WERE ALWAYS SWITCHING BACK AND FORTH,AND IT WORKED WELL FOR US,IT WAS VERY NATURAL FOR US,I HAVE BEEN HIS DOMMIE FOR ABOUT 8 MO.IT SEEMS HARDER TO
SWITCH,I MISS THE FREE STYLE WE HAD,IN SEX HE HAS STATED HE IS THE DOM AS HE WAS WHEN I WAS HIS SUB,HE WANTS TO RUN THE SHOW,ANY IDEAS ARE WELCOME.
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Kathy you are most welcome.
I’m glad reading what we have been through might work as a stepping stone for you and your partner. Not all people are good at being “static” when it comes to the D or the s of being a D/s couple. There’s nothing wrong with that.
I would think the trick to making that work would be to define the roles before the play starts and also establish what will happen if one or the other wants to switch mid play.
I can’t/don’t/won’t switch…I’m not the best one to offer advice so hopefuly those who do have some experience with the subject will offer up some tips on how to deal with this.
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My wife is similar to you. I used to be away half of each year on business she she ran things and when I came home, I just fell in line. To be honest, I was relieved not to have to be in charge. Over the course of the next 35 years, we began to do D/s outside of the bedroom, little by little. My wife does not want to be called Mistress or anything other than her own name. If you call flannel pajamas and slippers, Dominatrix clothes, then she is dressing the part. 🙂 My wife does not exercise control over me just because she can. No acting submissive at all. She does not want a slave for a husband. I make breakfast in the morning, clean up and go to work. After dinner I clean up, take a shower in case she wants to have sex, and become her servant for the rest of the night. That only involves making her a cup of coffee and getting her a snack most times. She likes a foot massage once or twice a week too and that can last for hours as she really loves a foot massage.
Chastity was only added a year ago. My wife has slowly gotten me to a month at a time but wants to go for two months now because I tolerate chastity well after the first few weeks. I get less horny and feel at peace with myself so I do not mind. If given a choice between teasing for a few hours each week or an orgasm, I would choose the teasing. I love the sexual frustration and then being told to lock it up. I crave that and often she makes me orgasm when I do not want to but she is in control so I accommodate her. She has become more comfortable denying me and is no longer worried when I leak pre-cum so she wants to try going a few months just to see what happens. I know that she would let me orgasm if she senses any mental or physical problems so I do not worry about it.
Her girlfriends always tell her how nice I am because when we visit them my wife volunteers me to set the table, server the coffee and cake and then clean up afterwards while the husbands are watching TV and having drinks in the living room.
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