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Informed Consent

by on February 20, 2013

It’s going to be a soap box moment.

my husband forces me into bdsm and whips me

That’s a string of words used for a search term that lead someone into this bloggers world.

I look at the words and get queasy and angry.

Is this someone’s idea of a way to search for good wank fodder?

(The queasy part of my thought)

Or heaven forbid, is this a woman looking for help?

(The angry part of my thought)

Straight up:

If this was a woman who is looking for help….if this was a cry for help:

You are being abused…


If you need help finding help in your area email at my profile address I will do my damnedest to help you locate the information you need.

You are not being “forced into BDSM” you are being abused.

BDSM is not about being forced against your will.

If you are not consenting to what your husband is doing this is plain and simple ABUSE.

I am going to say it again:

BDSM is not about force without informed consent.  If both parties are not consenting, it is plain and simple ABUSE.

It doesn’t matter which side is being forced, coerced or pressured into the lifestyle, if any of that is going on:

It is abuse.

Anyone who lives an alternate lifestyle walks a thin line of being accepting without being judgmental but in that almighty thin line walk, we should never lose the ability to know right from wrong and call abuse what it is, point it out when we see it.


“Forcing my husband” is a large part of the fantasy aspect of the play that goes on between he and I.

I use the word forced often in scenes because it is a trigger word for him.

But it is NOT forced!

It has ALL been negotiated beforehand, discussed and I KNOW his hard limits. Many of his fantasies are built around being forced and as his Top it MY JOB to make sure I know where the lines are and where it stops being consensual BDSM and start sbeing abuse.



Now I am going to be indignant and pejorative in the vein of defending my life style and that of friends and counterparts.

“Well it is after all…….. just a fantasy”

Yeah I get that…..but it perpetuates the notion that it is OKAY to force our cravings on someone unwilling and non-consenting.

If this was someone’s idea of “good wank fodder”……….it makes me both angry and sick to my stomach.

If this person was truly searching for porn fabricated on the fact a woman was being forced into anything, then I want you out of this world.

I don’t want you connected to the BDSM world because what you are searching for is NOT BDSM, it is abuse in one of the most atrocious form.  It is you enjoying someone being debased and hurt against their will.

This hit me at my core–for many reasons, not just because I am a woman or because I am a woman who practices BDSM with my partner.

It hit me at my core as an advocate for humans who are the victim of abuse;children, women, and men.

I can’t eradicate you from my world.

But I can sure as hell stand up and point my finger and tell the world as a participant of BDSM;

Me and mine do not approve of these types of activities, we do not condone it in any fashion.

Call me judgmental, I don’t give a rat’s ass…sometimes being judgmental is the ONLY right thing to do.

It is the only way to separate the good from the bad.

Am I trashing someone’s “fantasy”?

I don’t care!

Not a single person I know inside this world would approve of this type of material. This “concept of fantasy” is on the same level as, child pornography, sex trafficking, snuff films, crush videos and all the other horrific things that go in the world.

These are things we should ALL be up on arms about. The people outside our world need to KNOW we do not condone such horrors.

There is a plethora of horrifying things out there in the world that are associated with the world of BDSM that have nothing to do with BDSM…and unless we stand up and say “WE DO NOT CONDONE THIS” we will never be able to make the non BDSM world understand we do have moral compunction and we do know right from wrong and we are not just hedonistic monsters who beat the hell out of each other without regards to the damage done.

If we, the ones who practice the lifestyle with logical thinking, with some freakin BRAIN CELLS and not just with libido, practice our lifestyle with a strong belief in responsibility and safety and the solid belief in unless there is INFORMED consent it is NOT BDSM it IS ABUSE if we don’t have the wherewithal to say “THAT’S WRONG!” we will forever be grouped in with the “wrong kind”.

We will stay under the threat of having our children taken away; we will stay under the threat of losing our lively hoods and being marked as sick and a scourge in a “polite society” that must be dealt with swiftly we will been seen as the twisted sick monsters who perpetrate the nightmares that make us all look like the monster. We have to keep our own back yard clean of this ilk if we want the Non BDSM world to see us as good neighbors.

I don’t want to be part of any assemblage that doesn’t have the guts to stand up and say “THAT’S WRONG” for fear of being shunned by their own group.

Even in our community some things are black and white.

From → Amplifications

  1. writingthebody permalink

    I agree with every word you said.


  2. Agreeing with a soap box stomp, brave soul writingthebody (typed with a friendly grin and wink.)

    I had to work through my own ill-informed misconception about the lifestyle over all before I got comfortable with what my husband was asking for and part of the gut work was sorting out how BDSM is not about violence and abuse.

    Too many years working with abuse victims has made me —hair trigger hyper— to anything that might even slightly condone abuse. I worked a DV case as a volunteer where I actually heard a cop say the woman they’d brought to a shelter I was working in…….deserved to have the hell beat out of her because she agreed to let her boyfriend spank her.

    I wonder some days what in lord’s name happened to just bare bones gut instinct common sense.


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