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Any advice for me?

by on February 8, 2013

Bumping around the blog last night re-familiarizing myself with the site and all the bells and whistles, I noticed a comment left.

The title of this blog is a direct quote of the last words in the comment.

I am a fan of the “Ask question that provoke thoughts for the one seeking advice” process, which really comes down to the aggravating circumstance of answering questions with questions.

I am not a fan of telling anyone how to do anything and most certainly not how to add this lifestyle to a relationship.

I loathe the concept of helping men groom women to be their “Domme or Mistress”.

There are books on top of books and web site after web site espousing the notion there is a way to convince your partner to “domme” you.


I know this for a fact because my own husband bought me the books and dragged me thru the web sites and all of it left me wondering what was so wrong with me as a sexual partner that he felt the need to change me for his own sexual gratification. None of the things suggested in all this material were even close to the person I am in my own sexual nature and all of it made me feel like I was lacking something or worse that he saw me as lousy bed partner.

All of the stuff he gave me to read made me feel bad about myself, so much for the idea of “FemDom” being empowering. ( Insert eye roll here)

Truth is……all the “advice giving information” my husband gave me to read left me feeling powerless and defeated. I could never be what was suggested in all the crap he used to help get me “educated on the lifestyle”.

So no……. I don’t have any advice for the one who left the comment.

I do however have questions, the kind of questions that should have someone putting on their self-effacing thinking cap and doing some solemn navel gazing before you approach your partner with your kinky wishes.

For any man who stumbles into this blog hoping there is a magic bullet answer to getting you partner to be your Domme, grab the thinking caps and look past the navel lint and ponder the following:

*How much of your concept of FemDom is based on the porn you have surfed?

*Do you really understand what being the submissive part of the equation is about?

*How good are you at being self-sacrificing and staying in the frame of mind of service for your partner when you aren’t getting your way?

*Do you understand the changes you might be asking your partner to make to fulfill the request you are going to make?

*Are you willing to accept your partner’s limitation when it comes to your kinky nature?

*The idea of how things will be, what you have built up in your own fantasy and hope it will  be may not even be close to the same thing if you get what you ask for.           Are you willing to adapt to her ideas of how things will be without being difficult and trying to change her way to fit more along the lines of what you want?

The best advice is your own answers to these questions.

These questions may lead to you asking more questions, feel free to ask here.

I’ll be more than happy to answer your question with more questions.

  1. writingthebody permalink

    Indeed – it is important before all else that the man starts out by respecting the woman – that would be a pre-requisite before any submission or whatever. That is, as you say, hard. I have made every mistake in the book (and your questions capture a fair bit of what I have done wrong over the years), and the worst of it is that it is really possible to hurt someone’s feelings with these fantasies we (well, I) have and had. Trying to make a life then is a real challenge. I am always curious as to how people like yourself who have succeeded managed to do that. And if I have questions it is how you live day to day and how it works for you….thank you anyway – I am a bit worried about how much fantasy is out here, and how it can be anchored in some kind of real relationships.


  2. writingthebody permalink

    ps – sorry, I forgot to ask the question – what happened with your husband? Has he found another way? have you? It sounds like you have….


  3. Linda permalink

    I’ve seen some people say that you can adjust the behavior of a man by denying him sex. Whether that’s true or not, I can’t use it because we’re not having any anyway. How would you adjust a spoiled semi-alpha to better suit your liking?


  4. Writingthebody:
    Yes did manage to make this work, some days it works better than others because no matter what titles we give each other or ourselves in the almighty name of being a D/s couple we are still human and we still fail each other and ourselves. From the words you left here I am guessing you have hurt someone in the process of trying to get this lifestyle into a relationship? Maybe the better question for and from you would be how does a couple recover from the muck and mire of an attempt gone wrong?

    I detest the “train them by denying” method of adjusting the male attitude. It may work for some but I have yet to meet one woman it did work for and it did not work here. I don’t just adjust attitude around my place, I also adjust the thought process. As far as adjusting the attitude of a man such as you speak of, my question would have to be what is preventing you from having sex? Could the answer to how adjusting such a man’s thought process be in the reason you aren’t having sex?


    • Linda permalink

      I suspect he’s using palpitations as an excuse when the problem really is erectile dysfunction (blood pressure meds). The first excuse was that we were waiting for him to get snipped, when that was out of the question because of the cost, we waited for my IUD, then he came up with the heart palpitations, which he himself has admitted are probably caused by low blood sugar (diabetic). It’s been over 4 years. He’s a very proud man and stubborn as Hel. I’m very close to making demands…


      • Linda, if this were me I’d be making an appointment with an urologist for him and then I would be going with him to that appointment. It isn’t a solution, but it is a starting to point to getting to the bottom of why he is avoiding sex. Physiological issues have a way of becoming psychological conundrums. His playing doctor and willy-nilly self-diagnosing his causes for why he can’t have intercourse isn’t fair to either one of you. Erectile dysfunction can be induced psychologically as readily as it can be physiologically. His “pride” may be more about self-protection and/or fear of the unknown than it is about being stubborn.

        Both of you sitting down with a doctor and getting the proper information about E.D. in relation to his health issues is a starting point for learning to cope with this issue in a realistic couple friendly manner. I suggest an urologist because now days the majority in this field are well versed, more informed about E.D. because of the nature of the specialty of their practice. I wish you the best of luck. The loss of physical intimacy thru intercourse in a relationship is devastating and comes with its own kind of psychological ramification.


      • Linda permalink

        Thank you 🙂 A friend suggested I give him something to boost his ability without him knowing. But your suggestion is a lot more honest 🙂


      • You are most welcome. And I going to strongly urge you not “slip him something”. Depending on his health issues and prescription meds he is taking, the interaction with certain over the counter concoctions and herbal remedies for E.D./male sexual stamina enhancement can be deadly.


      • Linda permalink

        I won’t 🙂 Ha has admitted that the doctor has said nothing’s wrong with his heart. I’m a herbalist myself, so I know the danger of the combination of herbs and conventional meds.


  5. I have dealt with ED the last 7 years. Which is how long I’ve been with my man. So we would of been 35 then. I had not dealt with it before. Being that we were only 35 and fairly healthy, I took it all on. It had to be me, something was wrong with me, bla bla bla, beat myself up some more. UGh..

    Because my man has a few beers every night after work I did not like the idea of him taking pills. (Liver can only take so much). Me being me, we found ways around it and have had a good sex life. With the exception I am ten to his one. Then this last summer I seen him getting really frustrated, so I made a doctors apt. for him. With my doctor who happens to be a women.

    He went, and he got a prescription for Viagra ( do you know how much that fucken shit cost per pill? and if you do get a prescription make sure its for a 100 mg, even if you are only suppose to take 25 or 50 mg. the 100 cost the same as the 50’s)
    He did tell me after the fact that talking to a women doctor was very uncomfortable. BOY I FELT LIKE AN ASS. I had never thought about that part.
    Woman doctor, Man doctor, interns, my legs have been up in the stirrups for all of them.
    But he did it.
    I had a point, oh what I have learned about My mans ED is that at some point in his life he was shamed by a female.(teenage years) This lead to feeling of inadequacy, which lead to being shamed by a partner he had for to many years,(in his twenty) to just not giving a fuck any more. Then I come around!! He also has told me that the more he wants it, the harder he tries, the more disappointment he has. Which is something I have read about with men.
    They base so much on the blood flow to that one organ. Which is just silly in it’s self, Just because your penis does not stand at attention whenever you want it to does not make you less of a man. And men need to quit comparing themselves with porn stars. If they knew what a porn star really went through to get “the shot” they would never compare themselves again. Shit I don’t even know for sure, but I did read an article or two about it. Ron Jeremy the big fat hairy dude who has been around forever.
    The way I see it, is I had plenty of sex were they had a happy ending and I was just glad to be done. Now it is my turn. If he does not get a happy ending every time, it still is fun and intimate.


  6. Lyndie permalink

    I have been married for 20 years and just a few days ago my husband told me he wants to be my slave. I don’t even know what he means. We have not had sex in about a year. He told me the reason he doesn’t want to have sex with me is because a slave doesn’t have sex with their master. He said that if I am his master I can force him to have sex with me. He told me that he cannot get a hard on if he thinks about me as his wife, but can get one if he thinks about me as his master. He said he needs me to order him around and force him to do things so he can get turned on by me. He said he can’t get turned on by me anymore unless I am mean to him. I don’t like being mean to anybody and I don’t think I can be mean to him but he said if I don’t learn how to we won’t be able to have sex. I know you said you don’t have any advice for anybody but if you can think of something that would help me, please tell me.


  7. Lyndie,
    I just noticed this comment.

    I don’t want to put you on the spot and you don’t have to answer this, but what happened that put a stop to your sex life?


  8. Lyndie permalink

    I don’t really know. He just stopped asking for me to have sex with him. What made him say he wanted to be my slave was me asking him if he had stopped wanting to have sex with me for good. We never had that much sex to start with so I didn’t really think to much about it when it stopped. We get along really good but we don’t spend a lot of time together. He is gone a lot because he likes to fish and hunt. We only have one daughter and she moved out a few months ago and now I feel very lonely and it is why I asked him if he still wanted to have sex with me. I am sorry for rambling. I have been reading so much for the last few days and it is a relief to find someone I might be able to talk to about this.


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